Thursday, February 11, 2010

So This Crazy Thing Happened to Us the Other Day...

It's important for you guys to realize that what we're about to tell you is the absolute truth. We swear. None of these shenanigans going on.

So yesterday afternoon, Andee and Grey took off work and got together to discuss the various ways that we were going to get Peter Facinelli to absolutely adore us at the Atlanta TwiCon. We decided to do this over soup and salad at the Olive Garden in Dothan. There we were, in our little booth at the OG when suddenly--right after we had ordered our drinks but before we could tell the waiter we wanted the Italian Sampler appetizer--in walked Robert Freaking Pattinson. INTO AN OLIVE GARDEN. In Dothan, Alabama. True story.

Well, we just totally flipped the eff out. I mean, ROB in DOTHAN???? When would that ever freaking happen???? And it was happening right there, in an Olive Garden.
When You're Here, You're Almost Guaranteed To Bump Into A Celebrity, Whether It's Jessica Simpson, Taylor Lautner or Robert Freaking Pattinson. And You're Family.

WHAT WERE WE GOING TO DO? Could we go over and talk to him? No, we didn't want to do that. The man was trying to get some decent Italian food and anyway, he probably gets totally annoyed when people keep stopping by and interrupting his Tour of Italy to ask for autographs or pictures. So no, we couldn't just go up and bother him.

But then Grey came up with a plan, and her totally inappropriate stripper high heels were the key. The plan was this: Grey would walk past Rob's table like she was heading for the bathroom and then as she passed his table, she would TRIP, and bust her buns right in front of Robert Freaking Pattinson. He is totally a gentleman, and would have to get up and help her. Possibly her skirt would fly up too, which would be fine because she was wearing awesome underwear that day. How lucky is that? Andee would run from her table to help, and apologies would ensue: "Oh, gosh, I'm so freaking awkward, I'm so clumsy, thank you so much, oh no, I'm not really hurt, just embarrassed, well it is embarrassing, I mean, we totally know who you are, and I just totally planted my face on the floor right in front of Robert Pattinson AND showed you what Victoria's secret was, no, no really, I'm fine, no big deal, thanks again."

Not just for working the pole, but apparently also for meeting Robert Pattinson. Ooh, ooh, and PROM!

And he would be so concerned. In his head, he would think it was a little funny--I mean, someone is walking past you and all of a sudden they aren't there anymore BECAUSE THEY ARE FACE DOWN ON THE FLOOR right next to you. With their ass showing. But he wouldn't laugh until Andee started laughing at Grey, because friends can laugh at each other after they've just showed their almost bare bottom to famous people by accident. And then Andee would thank Rob for helping her friend and offer to buy him and the dude he's with (his agent, obviously) a beer.

Then Rob will tell us that we don't have to do that, it's fine, and we insist, and then he'd be a little embarrassed that these little poor girls are offering to buy a multi-millionaire a couple of brews, but we'll tell him that it would be an honor to purchase him a round or two, and then, in an attempt to endear ourselves to him with our quirkiness (because quirkiness is obviously what attracts Rob), we would explain to him how we'd do it....we'd go back to our seats and tell the waiter that we would like to send a couple of Heinekens to the gentlemen at the table across the room (we would totally have Rob's attention with the mention of the Heinee), and when the waiter brings them over to him, he has to look over at us and thank us with the traditional raising-of-the-beverage-plus-head-nod-acknowledgement. And then we'll both wink at him, so it won't be awkward because stuff like that probably happens to him all the time. And he'll think we're a little bit crazy, but he'll be intrigued.

It was an excellent plan.

And that's totally what we did, y'all. Grey faked the fall, Rob helped her, Andee rushed over, apologies commenced, beer was offered and the winks were winked. And then he looked at us like we're a little bit crazy, but was totally intrigued. Just like we planned.

Then he came over after his finished his Tour and asked us if we're from the area, and then said that he's working on getting a role in a movie about PePe, this awesome mule who changed the entire system for processing turpentine in south Alabama. Rob would play PePe's owner, Beau, whose farm is about to foreclose if he can't make the turpentine quotas on time. And PePe saves the day, y'all.

Hooray for PePe!

The plot was so awesome that we started crying (fine, it may have been from overexposure to His Holy Hotness, but it worked out great because he thought we were really touched by the story) and then, since it would be filmed on location here in Alabama, Rob offered us the chance to play the parts of the two sisters who run the town store and always have a sassy comment ready when Beau comes in to sell his turpentine.

We were floored, of course, and immediately accepted. Then Rob told us that he was supposed to by flying out of the Dothan Regional Airport on Friday, but that since it was supposed to snow anywhere from 1-6 inches in the Wiregrass that day, the flight would probably be canceled. Which meant that he had plenty of time to check out the surrounding area, and would we like to show him around??? And so we did.

We can't really say anymore, except that we may have shown him this really awesome field that would be perfect for Beau's farm. But it was kind of hard for him to see it, because it may have been dark. Because it may have been night time.

Rob also may have been drunk.

(Fade to black.)

P.S. All of this is totally true. Except the part about the snow. That is obviously a blatant lie. There's no way that it would actually SNOW six inches in south Alabama.

P.P.S. Ok, actually, the only part about this that was true was the part about the snow. IT IS TOTALLY GOING TO SNOW IN SOUTH ALABAMA. We know that some of our northeastern friends have been covered in it and are totally over it, but it hardly ever snows down here and actually sticks. The last time it stuck we were in the 5th grade. Friday will be the most exciting day of our lives.

P.P.P.S. We really need to buy bread. When it snows in the south, everyone buys bread, and then all the bread is gone.

Update on the P.P.P.S. Apparently all the bread is already gone, along with the eggs and milk. Snow Day = French Toast Day in the south.

P.P.P.P.S. Yes, all we wanted to do was tell you that it was going to snow here, but we had to make it relate to Twilight. So, basically......we apologize for this post.

1 comment:

  1. Don't apologize, just eat your french toast and make snowmen.

    Can you do that with five inches of snow? I have no idea.