Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Well, this post is just crap. Literally.

As I sat at my desk in the afternoon hours of this beautiful (if still a bit chilly) Tuesday, I thought to myself:

"Well, Grey," I said to myself, "how in the heck are you and Andee going to top yesterday's fantastic post about Robert Pattinson's erections?"
And then because I may possibly be crazy, I answered myself:
"Why, Grey, it's very simple. You talk about him pooping."

Oh, Lord. This is not going to go well.

I will try to make this post relavant to something important, not just potty humor. And actually, Andee is much better at the toilet talk than I am. I am a little prudish about the porcelain, to be honest.

Obviously, I'm talking about this pap photo from the Bel Ami set:

Yes, Rob is taking a roll of toilet paper into his trailer. Which is totally normal, because when you run out of toilet paper, you have to get some more. And that usually involves picking it up with one of your hands and walking it into the bathroom. Because we can't teleport things yet (YET!!! ONE DAY!). Because Rob doesn't have the power to levitate objects and float the TP to the bathroom. AND because Rob is probably too great a dude to ask some underling: "You there, go get my turkey on wheat from the Kraft table, MAYO ONLY! And 5 cans of Coke. Oh, and hey, while you're doing that, could you get me some toilet paper? Thanks."
With those options exhausted, Rob has to get his own toilet paper. When I first saw the picture, I thought "How cute! Rob's got toilet paper! He's totally normal and adorable!" Then I realized that Rob is a boy. And boys only need toilet paper to do one thing.


Andee handled this better than I did. I, on the other hand, was caught up in a desperate fight between my idyllic vision of Rob, (probably too closely blurred with the ficticious Edward if I'm truthful) and the nightmare that is Rob on the toilet. That vision is in my head. Right now. And I can't make it go away.

Andee and Grey's G-Talk (which sounds dirty to us, so we always giggle whenever one of us says "G-Talk me!" to the other)
Grey: i just realized something awful
Andee: what?
Grey: that unless rob has that toilet paper in his hand because he likes to blow his nose with it (like some people do) he is going to use it for poop. Because boys don't need it for pee. Only poop. I don't want to think about Rob pooping.

Andee: hahah u know i don't mind that :) *is there some fetish I need to know about, Andee????*

Grey: regular people pooping...fine. That's ok. but not awesome people like rob.

Andee: what if he talked about it like me and [the hubby] do.... you would be sooo disgusted


Andee: okay i'll give u that edward doesn't poop BUT ROB DOES!!!

Now, I promised that this post would be about more than just poopage, and here is my dilemma.

I want to see pictures of Rob. I was really feeling the post-New Moon/pre-Eclipse withdrawls. Yes, we had scruffy Rob for Haiti, but then he was gone again. And when he finally resurfaced, we saw him through the lens of the paparazzi. And when that happens, you get pictures of Rob heading to the toilet, or pictures like these:

I feel so sorry for stars like Rob who can't even have a BM or buy some freaking underpants without EVERYBODY knowing about it. But I also can't help wanting to see more and more pictures of Rob. I think this is really every good Rob fan's moral quandry--To pap pic or not to pap pic? On one hand, you have pap pics of poopage. Which is not good.

But on the other hand, you have pap pics of pooches, which is excellent and adorable *Note from Andee: Aww... Rob is petting MY black lab...HOW SWEET!* **Note from Grey: Andee....you realize that now I HAVE to say "That's what she said," right?**

I think I'm going to have to look at all Rob Pattinson pictures with totally AMORAL eyes. There is no right. There is no wrong. There is only Rob.




  1. GAH. And I was doing so well, ignoring the toilet paper - focusing on the dog! and the laughter! and the smoking! (too hot to be safe for anyone's health).

    But no. NO! You had to go and bring it up again. And make me laugh about it. Which, everyone knows, means I have acknowledged that it happened and can never again pretend otherwise.

    I think now it's best that I re-read Midnight Sun and pretend that ROB throws up his food, too.

    P.S. Love it, even if it is full of crap. The post, I mean. Not the Rob. 'Cause he's not. Not anymore.

  2. Oh, wow. I forgot about the mental image of Edward throwing up the bite of pizza. How do you think that sounds, anyway? Like a cat with a hairball?

  3. My lemming commented! Epic.

    I saw the pic of Rob with the toilet paper. I did a good job pretending the toilet paper didn't exist... until now.

    Thanks. I appreciate it. A lot.

    Now I have a terrible mental image of Rob... sitting on the crapper... all sweaty. It's disgusting.

  4. Do you think he reads FF while he's there?

  5. Yes! Of course.

    Isn't that the normal place to read ff? Especially if he is at work. He doesn't want his boss to see him reading about cock piercings and crying.

    He'd lose his street cred!