Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Grey's Twilight FAIL, a.k.a. How Could Grey Be So Stupid?, a.k.a. WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU SMOKING, GREY?

Today, something awful happened: I committed a total FAIL when it comes to Twilight. It was so fail that I nearly broke down in tears in the “cards with sound” aisle at the Wiregrass Commons Mall Hallmark store. Honestly, I don’t know how it could have happened. I thought I was better than this…that I was a hardcore Twilight fan to the bone. But obviously, I’m not. True Twilight fans don’t have FAILS like this one, they only have WINS. (Or FTWs, which, up until a month ago, I thought stood for “F*** The World”. So you can imagine how confused I was every time I saw it.)

This cute little blue creature obviously just won the Tri-County Blue Creatures Spelling Bee (you can tell he's smart because of his glasses). This would not be the ideal time to tell the world to eff off.

Err….I should probably tell you what happened, shouldn’t I? Geez, I always wander off in the middle of my stories because my brain thinks of exactly 27 different things at one time. Like right now as I’m typing this, I’m sipping on a soft drink that has CRUSHED ICE, which is the best ice in the world, and I wonder why ALL ice doesn’t come this way? Because if ALL ice was crushed ice, then I wouldn’t have had to be trapped in my car this weekend with my fiancĂ© while he occupied himself by DEMOLISHING huge chunks of ice with his BARE TEETH, chunk by chunk, with such rhythm that you could start a band. FOR THIRTY MINUTES.

Crushed ice. Beautiful.

I hate hearing people chew things.

What were we talking about again? Oh, right.

I think that I’m avoiding telling you this because it is so embarrassing. But since I started this post, and you’ve read this far down, it really wouldn’t be fair to stop now. So what happened was this: I was killing the last 15 minutes left in my lunch break by cruising the Hallmark aisles. I do this periodically to check for new Twilight cards. I already bought Andee’s Valentine’s card back in December. *Note: I’m glad I reminded myself of that. Now I have to remember where I put it…* Anyway, I check out the “Cards with Sound” aisle, and spot one! It has Edward on the front and it says something like, “I could never forget your birthday…” and on the inside it says, “it’s like I can read minds or something.”

And I didn’t get it. For like 5 seconds.

Five seconds is not a long time. Heck, your microwave couldn’t even get the frost off a Hot Pocket in five seconds. But it was an eternity when I realized what I had done. I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT EDWARD COULD READ MINDS. For five seconds.

In those five seconds, I believe this was my thought process: “Read minds? What? What is he…an X-Man or something? Read min…..OH MY GOD.”

And then I almost cried like a baby. I didn’t, but I wanted to. I didn’t even buy the card, my shame was so great. It was the single worst moment in my Twilight fan existence.

I am a smart girl. I was the valedictorian of my senior class and graduated college Summa Cum Laude. I have read the Twilight Saga—all four books—four times since May 2009. I have watched Twilight like 10 times, and New Moon twice. I realize how many different times Edward demonstrates his mind reading abilities. I know that the one of the reasons Edward is even interested in Bella is that he can’t read her mind. I know that Bella would have been eaten by James if Edward didn’t read his mind. I know that Edward would have continued to hate little fetus Renesmee if he couldn’t read her mind.

I'm so glad that I can't read minds so that I can continue to hate Renesmee...

I know all these things. And I can only offer this explanation for failing to remember Edward’s vampire power:


Seriously, I NEED to see New Moon again. I NEED the New Moon DVD to hurry up and come out so that I can see behind-the-scenes footage and interviews. I NEED deleted scenes, oh man, do I need deleted scenes. I NEED to see Eclipse teaser trailers, or full-length trailers, or movie stills. The absence of new Twilight is contributing to lapses in my memory. It is affecting me MENTALLY. What other reason can there be for FORGETTING that Edward can read minds? It clearly means that I need more instances in which Edward DOES, in fact, READ MINDS.

This is all we have of Eclipse. Cherish it.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to me until then. I will try to self-medicate with re-readings of my Twilight books, or peeking through the Eclipse script again, or watching Twilight for the 11th time. But if there is some crazy shiz on this blog, don’t be alarmed. I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell.

Wait...what? Cowbell?

I mean, Twilight. The only prescription is more Twilight.

See what I’m talking about?

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