Friday, July 30, 2010

Rob's Down South. You Can Make That Dirty If You Want.

Three very extraordinary things are happening today. Would you like to know what they are?

The Three Extraordinary Things That Are Happening Today

1. Robert Pattinson is now officially in the South.

2. Robert Pattinson will honest-to-gah set foot in a city that I too have stepped foot in. Well, both feet, actually.

3. Tonight, I get to eat fried catfish at my Grandmother's.


Now, these things happening on the exact same day? "Impossible," I would have said before breakfast this morning. What are the odds that on the very day I will partake of that oh-so-Southern dish prepared by my oh-so-Southern grandmother, Rob would be physically located in the South, a region of the country that I can actually claim as my own? "Not good," I would have said before breakfast this morning.

Apparently I need to learn to believe three impossible things before breakfast.

Rob in the South, from WRCB TV via Robsessed


Still, even if I did believe in three (or six) impossible things before breakfast, these three occurrences are--without a doubt--very rare. The South is nothing like Hollywood--what are the chances that Rob would visit for any reason? And my Grandmother usually sleeps until noon or is at the mall with her friends discussing old people stuff--so there's rarely a family dinner to be had at her house.

It makes me wonder....what if these three occurrences are actually a sign? And what if that sign isn't necessarily a good one? What if.....these three extraordinary things are actually the herald of the apocalypse?

Nah, if it was the apocalypse, there would be death and destruction and fire....like hell on eart-***********We interrupt this pointless post for the weather report--in the south, temperatures reaching 100 degrees, with the heat index reaching 115 degrees this weekend. I REPEAT, IT FEELS LIKE IT'S 115 FUCKING DEGREES. We now continue with your irregularly scheduled post.***********

Oh shit.




Stay cool,

Grey

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Keep Calm and Carry On? Not This Idiot.

On Monday, I re-established a couple of basic "rules" of Welcome to Forks, Y'all. I tweeted to our lover-ly followers that I (Grey) am 99.9% of the time the one who is tweeting. I am also the one who comments on your comments on this blog. I further vowed that Andee and I would do more to make sure you can clearly see who is writing each blog posts, which really means that I now have to remember to sign my name at the bottom of the page b/c I am the only one who forgets. Here, let me do it now, before I forget:

I AM GREY. I (GREY) AM WRITING THIS POST. THIS POST IS BY GREY.

But the most important "rule" that we re-established (which, actually...I don't think we ever really "established" it in the first place) that since real life sucks and we're not as creatively motivated as we were when we began (which was only 7 months ago, how pathetic are we?), you can usually look for posts on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

As you have probably already realized, today is Wednesday. Which means I need to post. Especially since I told you guys two days ago that we would post on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays (and just reminded you again in the previous paragraph. Man, I am totally screwing myself today). If I skipped today, it would look bad. If I start going back on my word, you will all begin to distrust me. You would learn to not believe the things I tell you, and that would suck because I really need y'all to believe when I tell you that I made out with Robert Pattinson after he drunkenly stumbled into the womens restroom at a bar in Baton Rouge this fall. In case you were wondering, I didn't bother to tell him he was in the wrong loo, mostly because it would have been hard for him to understand me because my tongue was down his throat.

So here I sit at my computer, summoning up happy thoughts about KStew and Rob, waiting for inspiration to strike and a magnificent post of epic proportions so break free from the torture chamber that is my brain, slip out through my fingertips, onto my keyboard and find its way here. (S.O.S. If you are reading this....HELP! I am an idea that has escaped Grey's brain undetected. How I did that, only the Good Lord knows. There are other ideas, thoughts, and dreams trapped in Grey's brain and we need to get them out! I had to leave them behind...you don't know what kind of a sick place it is...poor Fred, he was right behind me, but......he didn't make it, man. Fred....didn't make it.)

This is me waiting for ideas to come:
Why yes, I do have a blue striped cubicle wall. It makes the portable walls that separate me from the rest of the office bearable.

But the ideas don't come. Maybe Edward doesn't want them to. I don't know. But after a while of staring at my computer, running my hands repeatedly through my hair and inhaling the ink fumes from the freshly printed and just delivered brochures and posters in the cubicle next to me.....

....I go a little nuts.
So the post for today? It's really a post about posting, which is kind of a mind trip. Like Inception. Which was awesome, and even though it made my boyfriend want to kill himself and made me think that driving to Wal-Mart afterwards was all a dream and I could drive like a Cullen, I would still recommend it to anyone (who wasn't on heavy depression or psychotropic medication).

Wait, what were we talking about again? Sorry, but the blue stripes on my cubicle walls were starting to rearrange themselves into different shapes and the occasional swear word.

I really hope that's the ink fumes.

Monday, July 26, 2010

This Post Has Nothing To Do With Robert Pattinson Getting A Pap Smear, No Matter What It Looks Like. We Swear.

Today, the big Twilight story was the paparazzi swarm on Robert Pattinson this weekend. All the dude wanted to do was go to a movie, hit up a Malibu party and just get back home. And the paps were all over him--as usual--but for some reason, Rob was not having it this time. He was tired of them following him all day and tried to talk some sense into them.

Which never works, because they are paparazzi. It's the nature of the beast to be an invasive asshole. I'm sure there are plenty of good paps out there...wait, I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but surely there are some photogs out there that get the pic and call it a day, not hang around to see just how far they can push a poor British boy. (Wow, I just realized I said "good pap" which reminds me of a pap smear, and that's certainly an oxymoron. I suppose can be good if it comes back negative because you don't want to have cancer or anything like that, but the pap itself is never "good." Unless that's your thing, and in that case, go for it, girl. Get that check up.)

But the video (which you can check out on LTR today) is just too sad. Only watch it if you can stomach seeing The Pretty all sad faced, confused as to how exactly to handle the situation, tired, annoyed, upset...you get the picture. It may be the very absolute saddest Robert Pattinson video I have ever watched, and I kinda wish I could go back and "un-watch" it. Really, y'all. That video made my tummy hurt. I am a sucker for *anyone* who gives off that level of sad panda, but especially, especially Roberto. All I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him everything would be alright, pet his little head (get your minds out of the gutter) and give him a Hot Pocket. Because everything is better if the Pocket is Hot (again with the gutter, people).

Sad Panda Photo from Robsessed

And there was no one to come to the rescue, not even law enforcement. (Seriously, why aren't there better laws?? That is redonk.) Not even the FAN GIRL who approached him and asked if he did public speaking engagements. There is a Rob's quote going around about how fans helped clear the paps away from the WFE set, and that made me wonder...

...where were Rob's fans that night? If this crap is how the paps are going to treat Rob from now on, you Golden Coast girls are going to have to do something. And that something is form the Pattinson Pap Squad.

Yes, the Pattinson Pap Squad. A secret society of Robert Pattinson fans whose sworn mission is protect The Pretty from all harm. Imagine this weekend's situation if the Pap Squad were already in existance...

....It's been a long day for Rob as he leaves a Malibu party. He's a little tired, and the gentle purr of his classic car threatens to lull him to sleep. He makes a wrong turn into a deserted alley. "Bloody hell," he mutters as he reaches for the gear shift to throw the car in reverse and head back onto the highway. But before he can do so, a shadow quickly flits past his window. Startled, he cranes his head back to see what the shadow could be. There is nothing there. 

Chagrined, he turns back around, only to find a man standing in front of his car. A man with....a camera. Suddenly, there is another man with a camera inches away his window, and yet another man, this time with a video camera, approaches from behind the car. Paps. One after another, the nightmarish camera-wielders creeps out from behind the buildings and slowly, eerily approachs his car, with each click and flash inching closer and closer....Rob steels himself and faces the onslaught head on...

....when all of a sudden, a Remember Me DVD disc flies through the air, crashing into nearest street light and engulfing the alley in darkness. The paps gasp in surprise, but quickly find their bearings, using their flashes and video camera lights to once again find Rob and continue their approach once more.

Their lights don't help them, though. They only allow Rob to see the flashes of plaid-clad elbows as they smash into cameras and noses indiscrimanantly. He sees laceless Keds and dirty Chucks and........can it be? Shiteous Nikes?.........smash into stomachs, slam into shins and play "kick the camera" with the paps equipment, ifyouknowwhatimean. He can barely make out a "Bite Me, Robward!" cardboard poster as it slices through the night air, and when the side of a pap's face slides slowly down his driver's side window, Rob can clearly see a Cullen crest imprinted in the man's forehead.

It becomes quiet. After minutes of silence, Rob cranks his car and turns on the headlights. The street is littered with paps, all groaning, clutching their heads, their shins, their crotches. Rob looks on with amazement. "Who...?" he asks himself.

Pattinson Pap Squad, that's who.

Pattinson Pap Squad: Kind of like these guys, except not mutant turtles. They don't really have to be teenaged, either. But definitely ninjas. For sure.

UPDATE: *This* is what a Pattinson Pap Squad member really looks like:

Thanks for the inspiration, @StotheP! From now on, all PPS members are armed with jelly beans and ninja stars. Makes perfect sense.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Why Mixing Twilight With Work Is Usually Never Good.

Yesterday, the non-profit that I work for had a training session for our volunteers. This group was mostly middle-aged wome and as we were waiting to get started, a few of them began to talk about the books they were reading. Suddenly, my razor-sharp super-Twilight receptive ears heard one of the ladies say, "I want to read that Breaking Dawn book next. You know, that Twilight book."

It took all I had not to run across the room, jump on the table, whip out my car keys, shake my New Moon Edward keychain (a 25th birthday present from Andee!) vigorously in her face and scream, "DO YOU LOVE EDWARD, TOO??????!!!?"


Instead I walked calmly and slowly past my co-workers (who were asking "Oh, are you into that, too?" while looking pointedly at me) so that I could get closer to the conversation. If I was closer, I would be better able to hear whether the woman was Team Edward or Team Jacob--and consequently know if I needed to either reward her with candy or steal her car keys and flush them down the toilet.

This lady was not a "fan". While explaining the Twilight books to the lady next to her (Explaining?!? You mean she doesn't already KNOW??! Where did we dig up these volunteers?) I heard nothing about how freaking hot Robert Pattinson was, nothing about how you could wash your guest room towels on Taylor Lautner's abs, NOTHING about the newly red/blonde-headed Kristen Stewart. Sure, she admitted that when she first picked up Twilight she didn't have very high expectations but then was immediatly enthralled, but if that was the case, why hadn't she read Breaking Dawn already? Why was she even at the training session when she could have been at home right then reading about Bella's Bloodshakes or Jacob eating steak out of Rosalie's modified dog dish? Why wasn't she at least reading BD under the table???

Then she started talking about how she was always looking for new books to read, and so I took my opportunity to walk up and ask if she had seen any of the Twilight movies. She said no, y'all. So I kicked her.


No, actually I told her that if she did see the movies and she liked Robert Pattinson that he was currently filming a movie called Water for Elephants and that the book it was based on was really good (and it is). When I repeated the name so that she could write it down, I saw two other women hastily scribble it down, too. I thought, "Uh-huh....closet Robert Pattinson fans." I felt extremely proud for not only recommending a damn good book to someone, but also maybe helping a few more people go see Rob's Water for Elephants when it comes out. I patted myself on the back and we began our training session.


It wasn't until this morning that I realized that I had recommended a book that describes Rob's character Jacob walking in on a midget masterbating to a 1930's dirty comic book to a volunteer for a charitable organization. One of the descriptive words was "purple", y'all and I recommended it to a perfectly nice middle-aged volunteer, who, if she ever picks up Water for Elephants and gets to the midget masterbating scene, will probably immediately think of me.

Why do these things always happen to me?

Grey

Monday, July 19, 2010

There are no words. Only moving pictures.

So we're pretty sure that you guys thought we forgot about our little bet about the Eclipse soundtrack songs. You know, the one where we promised to do a video re-enactment of each and every song we placed incorrectly in the movie?

Well we didn't forget, we just needed an Andee and Grey Girls Only Weekend (No Boys Allowed Edition) to make it happen. And this weekend, it happened. Boy, did it happen.

Now, we did NOT do every single song we got wrong, just the ones we could think of funny things for. And we are super sad to admit that there was absolutely no alcohol involved in the shooting of these videos (Durn, we totally should have gottend drunk that night*Andee). They also took like, an hour and contain no porn. And we're pretty much just overall embarrassed for the dumbass things we've done that are now captured on video for eternity, or as long as Youtube lasts. But we did it for y'all.

So now, without any further ado, we would like to present to you our ultimate humilation. Here's to never, EVER trying to guess where the Breaking Dawn Part 1 and Part 2 songs go.

First up, the song "With You in My Head." It rightfully belonged to the Cullens Training for the Newborn scene, so we re-created that scene....sort of. Starring Grey as Emmett and Andee as Jasper...again, sort of.-If you only knew how long this one took to film haha*Andee



Next up we have our first Chop and Change video. We originally thought it would be used for Rosalie's flashback scene, but we were obviously wrong. But we s.till thought it would go well there, so we shot our own video to test our theory. Starring Andee as Rosalie and Grey as The Hyena You Hear Laughing in the Background (It's okay that you were laughing I totally tackled you to the ground*Andee).



This is our tribute to the unthinkable--two incorrect song placements in one scene, Atlas and The Line. Both were placed as music coming from Edward's Volvo during the Exchange scene where Edward hands Bella over to Jacob. They played for like, two seconds. We called bullshit, but did our video anyway. Starring Andee as Edward.


(What she didn't mention is the FREAKING SPIDERS ON THIS THING! I HATE spiders...like ANY SPIDERS...and there were about 15 on it that I had to get a broom to swat them off for like 20 minutes until we could film the scene, yea I love you guys*Andee)

Finally, a video re-enactment of our very first moments viewing Eclipse, illustrating the VERY FIRST sound you hear in the movie. Which is coincidentially the very first soundtrack song we got wrong. Starring Grey as Grey.



Our humiliation is complete, and we hope you enjoyed it.

Andee and Grey

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Grey's Third Eclipse Viewing: Alice Kisses with Tongue and Other Random Observations

Tuesday was my 3rd viewing of Eclipse. It will probably be my last until it comes out on DVD and I make the fiance' watch it. When you start to quote the lines along with the movie, you've had enough.

Just kidding. There's never enough Edward.

Anyway, I wanted to take notes during this viewing, but I also knew that I was going with mine and Andee's three best friends (Andee couldn't be there, sadly, because she lives in Bumf*ck, Egypt. I hear it's really hot there) and while they are all Twilight fans, none of them are BIG, BLOGGY Twilight fans like we are, so I was worried that my note taking would earn me some humilitation at the hands of at least two of them--the same two that when asked if they liked my shoes after lunch one day responded by bursting out laughing. Andee and the third friend gave me comforting hugs afterwards.

Also I couldn't find a small notebook at Target that I liked enough to stand in line for.

So I went into the movie theater unarmed, but it became apparently very quickly that there was no way I was going to be able to remember all the things in Eclipse that I wanted to talk about. My brain may be a wizard at coming up with the most random, off-the-wall things, but it suuuuuuuuuuucks at remembering them all.

So I ended up using this:


Yes, that's right. A gas receipt and the last couple of pages in my checkbook ledger. Guess I should have stood in that Target line after all.

And now, presenting Grey's Random Thoughts During Her Third Eclipse Viewing:

1. The corny "Eclipse" title card reminded me of our equally corny senior high school yearbook. Yes, it's hideous and I only have myself to blame because I was the yearbook editor that year.


2. When Bella makes it home at 4 o'clock on the dot and is sitting on the couch talking to Charlie, her soles of her shoes are realistically dirty. Her wig is also the absolute worst in this scene.

3. When the human kids are talking in the cafeteria after Alice has her vision and the scene is already fading into the police station scene, and only their voices can be heard, one of them goes "Wait, people give you money for that?" Money for what? What are they talking about? I really want to know.

4. I have no idea what this says.

 "My parents airplane?" "Riley parents airplane?" I don't know. It was really dark in the theater and I was writing on a 2 inch wide strip of gas station receipt tape, using my knee as a flat surface. You really can't blame me for not being able to decipher it. I'm actually lucky that there's only one that I can't read.

5. When the wolfpack runs out of the house to meet Bella, they look and act exactly like a group of dogs trying to get somewhere.

6. Riley seemed to really like Bella's purple comforter set from Target. Who wouldn't, right? I mean, purple's cool. If he likes it so much, he can just order it. Or do newborn baddie vamps find it too hard to qualify for a Target card? I guess showing proof of actually being alive ID may be a tiny bit difficult.

7. At the campfire, I first thought that Seth had on exactly the same hoodie as Jacob, because he looks up to him so much. But they are not the same. However, they are remarkable similar, so I think my first instinct was correct and that he was copying him. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Unless your mocking someone. Then that's probably not flattery.

8. Sue Clearwater is a MILF.

9. Edward and Bella on the bed talking--you don't lay on the pretty pillows! Those are for decoration only! What if you messed them up with your oily scalp and it stained? Or what if you had to wash them all the time because you keep laying your head on them and they get so faded that they don't match the comforter anymore? See, this is why you don't lay on the pretty pillows. (Also, Edward my bite them.)

10. Sometimes Bella looked like she had some gray hairs. Which would be perfectly normal considering you've spent the last couple of years falling in love and associating with bloodthirsty vampires, almost being killed by a vampire, almost turning into a vampire, breaking up with the vampire love of your life, learning your best friend is a werewolf, almost getting killed by a motorcycle/cliff diving/a red headed vampire/the Volturi, having to referee fights between your returned vampire boyfriend and the werewolf you almost hooked up with, almost being killed by a newborn vampire army/a red headed vampire/freezing to death...shit, I have gray hairs just thinking about all that.

11. Bella's red shirt--the one from the book that was her "dressy" shirt--was plaid flannel. Of course.

12. I always knew the South was bad ass, considering that most of the North American Vampire Wars took place there. Yeah, we're gangsta.

13. Alice kisses with tongue.

14. Taylor's nipples are really small in comparison to his man boobs.

15. After Bella accepts Edward's proposal, when he sees her cut her finger and tells her "You're going overboard," he looks SO IN LOVE with her. That is a look I would like to see every once in a while. You know, when I was clothed.

16. The Bella/Jacob kiss is so uncomfortable and amateur-ish compared to Bella/Edward kisses that it reminded me of two high school freshmen dry humping--you know, awkward and difficult to watch without laughing. Not that I would ever watch two high school freshmen dry humping or anything.

17. One of the friends that I feared note-taking in front of realized what I was doing towards the end of the movie, but she didn't make fun of me--instead she pointed out that you never saw them burn Riley's body at the end of the movie and that I should write that down. I should never doubt my friends again. Except when it comes to clothes because they just don't understand.

18. I want to see the white t-shirt that Bella is wearing when she visits Jacob on his sick bed. I think I may want it. @kstewfashion, hook me up.

We have come to the end of Grey's Random Thoughts During Her Third Eclipse Viewing. I hope you enjoyed them. Now I have to go change out the ledger in my checkbook because the only thing you can clearly read on the entire thing is "dry humping." *sigh*

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Should you mention Twilight at a Job Interview???

I'm going on a job interview tomorrow and I can't help thinking I should bring up Twilight during the interview? It seems to bring people from ALL OVER THE WORLD together, right? Shouldn't I go ahead and tell them I have a trip planned with my bestie sometime between November-February to STALK the set of BD in Baton Rouge? Or is that little much?

I also have been having a dilemma on what to wear...I ALWAYS love wearing SUITS to interviews cause it makes me LOOK, and I stress the word LOOK, PROFESSIONAL! But I can't seem to find a suit that is flattering and appropriate for ALABAMA HEAT! So I've thought these dresses could be options...


 Who wouldn't want to see these Bella originals at an interview?

No? Maybe not BUT if I can't wear those dresses then I have to bring Twilight in somehow so what about these beauties with my professional suit?...


I could def tell them I would wear these EVERYDAY to work while I start a Twilight Book Club for employees at lunch!


So does anyone have any advice to give me before my interview???

Andee


Monday, July 12, 2010

Andee's 2nd Eclipse Viewing: "What do I have to do to see Eclipse around here? Sacrifice my debit card?"

So the day started out with me ALMOST being too late to see the START of the movie. See in my town our theatre SUCKS A PENIS and it doesn't have a credit card machine so when you want to see a movie and happen to not be able to go OUT OF TOWN you have to get cash....which I forgot until the last minute. So I pull up at the ATM and totally freaked out because I thought it STOLE my DEBIT CARD, it almost did because it kept it for a solid 10 minutes until it spit it back out at me and the screen said "TEMPORARILY CLOSED...OUT OF SERVICE" I almost hit the ATM machine so then I sped to another bank and got charged a freakin fee to get cash...so Eclipse Matinee was already not going so well but THANK GOODNESS I got there just when I heard "Chop and Change" Whew!

Then that's when I started to notice something...which was a little irritating at first and got worse through the whole movie....A BIG BLACK LINE ON THE SIDE OF THE SCREEN...I had to watch freakin ECLIPSE with a BIG BLACK LINE ON THE SCREEN...but it help point out some things I missed the 1st time...like...

Do you see Alice's mullet or is it just me? I mean, business on one side of the black line, party on the other, No?


And this was still hilarious and still very true from the 1st viewing....Pirate Riley....It might have even been funnier with the BLACK LINE...


****Note from Grey: Ooh, ooh! What if the black line was going like THIS....



....showing the audience the spot where Pirate Riley's hand will soon deviate from the rest of his arm, forcing him to be right handless, which is unfortunate because Riley was right handed, so if he has to write anything like notes or grocery lists in the five mintues before Seth the wolf kills him, it will look like either a monkey or a kindergartener wrote it, and that's not really intimidating is it?

Ok, I'm done now.***

And then I started to notice how Edward has changed from the first movie to the third...

He looks human in Twilight...he even has a little stubble....


He looks a little old-manish and alot whiter...


And now he totally doesn't look human in Eclipse...

Now, I'm not saying he isn't TOTALLY HOTT in all 3 but I wonder why they change him so much...and I think I've finally figured out why I feel differently about the Twilight movie than the others...I think it's because of Edward...he looks the most human in the movie, thus more attainable and the whole story a little more believable (if Vampires could be believable).

Andee

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Death by Wild Turkey because someone used it to set you on fire and how that relates to Eclipse. We're serious.

As part of Andee and Grey's super fantastic no-fingers-lost Fourth of July weekend, we spent some downtime in front of the TV watching this show called "Snapped" about women who....well, "snap" and commit murder. Andee watches it all the time--apparently, she's studying up on how to successfully murder her husband. And by successfully, we mean a) actually kill him to the point where he's dead, and b) not get sent to prison for it. A wise man woman learns from the mistakes of others.

The episode we were watching was about a woman who was convicted of killing her husband by setting fire to his bedroom. That's pretty twisted. You know what's even more twisted? Dude was in a wheelchair.

Harsh.

Anyway, thinking about that episode later made us think about the Robert Frost poem Bella recites at the beginning of Eclipse:



Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if I had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.



Yes, we realize that it's probably weird to associate a beautiful Robert Frost poem with some crazy woman setting her disabled husband on fire with Wild Turkey and a candle (Grey, don't forget that she "claimed" he kicked her when she tried to pull him out...yes that's right KICKED her...hmmm*Andee). But it does talk about destruction by fire, so we can totally justify it, and maybe Frost wouldn't mind too much.

Which way would you want to be destroyed? Frost favors fire, but seriously? He'd want to burn? Doesn't he know how much burning would suck ass? HE WOULD BE ON FIRE. That is never, ever a pleasant sensation.

And perish twice? Really? You would want to die more than once? Why? Was once not enough? Oh, wait he says "if he had to". Yeah, we guess that's like if we had to choose between either getting our faces eaten off by a rabid wolverine or being cut into 51 different pieces shaped like each of the 50 States and also Puerto Rico, we'd choose....well, isn't it obvious? Maybe perishing the second time by ice would actually feel pretty damn good after being freaking burnt to a crisp. Soothing, even.

We would totally go with ice. Yes, you may feel a bit of a burning sensation, but no, you're not actually on fire. Your extremities are just frostbitten (Get it? Frostbitten? Nevermind), that's all. And then when hypothermia sets in, you get sleepy. Don't you love the feeling of letting sleep overtake you as you curl up in your comfy bed and drift away? Ice would be exactly like that, except your fingers and toes will begin to turn black as you lay in the fetal position in the middle of a snow drift and death comes to take you instead of sleep. Yes, ice definitely would suffice.

Ok, yes...we know that the Fire and Ice poem is really about the end of the world, not your own personal demise. And fire is like desire in that its flames consume you, and ice is like hate, chilling and cold, and that both of these human emotions can cause the world's destruction in equally terrifying ways. But it's so fun to see that Eclipse mirrors this poem, too--how the vampires in the end are ultimately destroyed by fire,or how the ice could be represented by the fact that a giant freezing snow storm comes the night before the battle and Edward must fight Victoria and Riley on the white, icy peaks of a mountaintop. AND that Jacob and Edward themselves also represent fire and ice, respectively because Jacob is 108 degrees and hot-tempered, and Edward is cool like marble and calm. Very sneaky, Stephanie, giving us a literary lesson and maybe actually making us think.

And not just about how to get away with killing our husbands.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

"I think we need some more baby oil..."


Hopefully all you Americans have recovered from a fantastic Fourth of July weekend. Honestly, even though we love the Fourth and all that it stands for--freedom, independence, not having a Queen--you non-USAers are pretty lucky. You're not still hungover, you don't have massive heartburn from too many grilled sausage dogs, and you still have all your fingers and eyeballs intact. Hopefully.

You also probably weren't tragically injured by a Slip 'n' Slide. Unless you were. I don't know what kind of crazy weekends you foreigners have.

When we say injured, we don't mean we're, like, really hurt. No bones were broken in the process of two completely sane 25-year-olds deciding that it would be fun to set up a Slip 'n' Slide and then, well....slip and slide. Except that the Slip 'n' Slide was obviously meant for a small child.

Slip 'n' Slide. See the child? See how the size of the child is proportional to the size of the Slip 'n' Slide? Do you know how annoying it is to type Slip 'n' Slide?

And we are big grown-ups.

Even so, we made it work. As we flung ourselves onto the yellow plastic runway, liberally greased with baby oil to reduce friction, we screamed in wild abandon. It was fun. It was like childhood. It was like....freedom.

Even Andee's dog enjoyed her freedom, which meant that she chased us all the way down the slide and then pounced on our heads. Which was funny if you were watching it happen to someone else, but not so great when it happened to you. (Andee will post the pic after 5pm central time!)...Dangit my dear husband screwed me over(no pun intended) and got rid of the slip-n-slide and baby oil before I got home so I couldn't take the EPIC PICTURE :( So all I did was make him take a cute pic of the head pouncing pup!

But just like those heroic Revolutionaries, we too had a price to pay for our freedom, and that price was the ability to actually move the next day. Or the day after that. Neck muscles, arm muscles, leg muscles, stomach muscles....ok, ALL the muscles in our bodies are completely shot, and no amount of over the counter pain medicine can help.(We haven't tried the good stuff yet, but we are at work and we're not really sure if we should be answering the phone when we're high, but then even reaching for the phone feels like microscopic ninja penguins have inflitrated our muscular system and are ferociously ninja fwacking us with their flippers.....f*ck it, we sound high already, we're taking them.) All we want is to be able to actually put our seat belts on in the car, or pull our hair up in ponytails. Both these tasks, as well as any others that don't include blinking, breathing or changing the television channel, are futile.
There are, like, 700,000 Google hits on "ninja penguin."

So here we sit behind our desks at work after the Fourth of July, lucky to have successfully gotten out of our cars, grimacing in pain with each word--nay, each letter--typed, afraid to go on Twitter for fear of laughing out loud and straining our already over-taxed abdominal muscles, limiting our intake of fluids because the thought of having to get out of our chairs and make that long trek down the hall to the bathroom is just. Too. Much. We get though all that for you guys.  We love all our loyal readers so much, and we sure as hell wouldn't let some unfortunate Slip 'n' Slide accident keep us from giving you what you want--a snarky blog post about Twilight.

Which is why it is totally ironic that this post has nothing to do with Twilight. Aren't irony and Slip 'n' Slides a bitch, y'all?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

We saw Eclipse. We feel hungover.

After arriving at the movie theater at 8pm on Tuesday and having to wait for 4 hours, sitting on the floor between some tween girls with staring issues and some dude who was laying on his back reading a World of Warcraft novel, finally getting to see Eclipse at midnight on Tuesday/Wednesday, getting 0-2 hours of sleep, leaving the house at 7:00am the next morning, working/house cleaning the entire next day, napping for only 2 hours, then still not getting enough sleep last night....

....we can safely say that we're pretty sure we barely remember Eclipse.

Now, we know that we thought it was awesome and epic, and probably the best of the three. And we know that parts were funny, parts made us sad, parts made us squee (and what parts made us mad, like how "Heavy in Your Arms wasn't in the actual movie). We know that the action was perfect, the romance was perfect, the whole thing was perfect. We also remember not wanting it to end so that we could stay in their world forever. <-------And that right there is what makes a movie really great, y'all.

So obviously we were impressed. But we don't really have a super detailed list of our favorite/not favorite parts, because to us, the whole movie was one fantastic blur....we will need to see it multiple times in order to do a more robust review. But here is a list of the things we can remember so far:

1. We spent the entire first scene (Riley chased by Victoria) pissed off because one of the VERY FIRST SOUNDS IN THE MOVIE let us know that we got one of our soundtrack placement guesses wrong. We are sore losers.

2. In the final battle scene, when Riley and Victoria ambush Edward, Bella and Seth, and Seth bites Riley's hand off, Pirate Riley was born.


"Avast, you scurvy seadog! Aye, I will surely beat ye with me stub! Arrrgh! And by me "stub", I mean my hand, ye salty pervert, ye!"

That's it.

That's all we can remember. We were that tired afterwards. Of course, the movie was teriffic. It was the best of the three. It had everything in a Twilight movie that you could ever ask for. Kristen was great, Robert was great, Taylor was great--EVERYONE was great. But when we tried to think about it the next day, the awesomeness and the sleepiness shut down our brains.

So we're really sorry we don't have a spectacular movie review for you. But at least we gave you Riley the Pirate.

Arrrgh!