Monday, February 8, 2010

New Moon Viewing #3, or Vampires + Kenny G = Awesome

This weekend, the Dynamic Duo of Andee and Grey were together again. Since Andee got married and moved almost 2 hours away from our hometown in 07, we have only seen each other like 12 times a year. *Wow, we just realized that 12 times a year is not a lot of times. That makes us sad.* So when we had to be hostesses with the mostesses for our friend’s baby shower, we turned the whole weekend into an Andee and Grey Go Wild In the Wiregrass extravaganza.

And we started that extravaganza with—oh, yes ma-am—New Moon.

We arrived at one of the local movie theaters at 6:35pm sharp for the 7:00pm show for New Moon. When we walked into the theater, we were totally alone. OUR OWN PRIVATE SCREENING OF NEW MOON!!! How VIP is that? It’s like they KNEW that we had started our own Twilight blog and needed the theater to ourselves to laugh at all the crazy comments we made to each other. We have NEVER been loud and obnoxious in a movie theater (plenty of other places, yes, but never in a movie theater) and we were so excited about our first chance to do it.

Grey made Andee go check out a black lump near the front of the theater, because she was positive that it was either a crazy person asleep, or a crazy person who stabs people in dark movie theaters. Turns out it was just a black garbage bag over a broken seat. Andee made us sit sort of in the middle of the theater (cause the screen wasn’t that big) even though Grey tried to tell her that if we sat in the back row, no one could sneak up on us while we were intently watching New Moon and strangle us with their necktie. Or shoelaces. Or whatever. Andee probably thought she had humored Grey enough by that point, and told her “no.” So we sat in the middle, but it was ok because more people came in and sat behind us, so Grey felt better because now THEY would get strangled/stabbed.
Dark crappy picture of Andee in the empty movie theater. Thank goodness we carry that fork around with us...Grey was totally going to use it in self-defense if anyone tried to strangle her.

And while we were a little bummed that we no longer got our private screening of New Moon, we were happy that there were still 8 people in the theater AND TWO OF THEM WERE GUYS! They came with their wives/girlfriends, and we’re almost positive that since we didn’t really see that eyes-glazed-over look that signals they were forced there against their wills (or in exchange for a good time, ifyouknowwhatimsaying),we just KNEW they were unicorns.

We freaking saw unicorns, y’all.

Anyway, the movie was just as good the 3rd time as the 1st and 2nd times. In fact, this time was the most awesome because we didn’t have strangers sitting next to us invading our personal space bubbles, or babies crying in the row behind us. It was peaceful.

Except us. We talked quite a bit, actually, but everyone was so spaced out (seat-wise, not like we all did drugs during the previews or anything…) that we don’t think we annoyed anyone. We hope. Err…we’re sorry if we annoyed anyone.

So here are some Things We Learned About New Moon the Third Time Around:
  • That when Paul almost attacks Bella, and we see Jacob phase for the first time, Sam is no longer the leader of the wolfpack, but instead he is Squad Leader Sam Uley of the La Push Shirtless Sniper Brigade, Jort Division, directing his men using the classic miltary hand command to "stay back" while Jacob and Paul duke it out. You can't see it because they're off camera, but before Sam instructs Jared and Embry to take Bella back to Emily's, he first ascertains that the sitution is "all clear" and relays this information back to J and E through a complicated series of hand signals. But Embry is a little lazy (and may smoke pot, because he does kinda look stoned a lot of the time) and so he doesn't take the time to learn all of Sam's non-verbal commands, and instead wonders in confusion why Sam wants him to throw a curve ball.
    "No, Paul, I said to wait until after I gave you the hand signal."

  • One of the sweetest scenes in the movie was totally ruined by Grey. When Jacob rescues Bella from the ocean and they are heading back to his house to change, Bella is cold. Jacob tells her "It's 108 degrees over here," and Grey busts out with "IN MY PANTS!" Thank goodness we'd seen the movie 2 times already or we would have missed something, because we couldn't stop laughing. And it was cold the whole weekend, so it never failed that one of us would remind the other that it was, in fact, 108 degrees in Jacob's pants.

    Is that a thermometer in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

  • Grey's Pet Peeve: That her favorite song on the NM soundtrack, Slow Life, was totally underused. Grey dreams of making out with Edward to that song, so she is always bummed that they play all of 10 seconds of it before Jake pulls Bella out of the water. Bella is about to die, people! She welcomes death because she won't have to miss Edward anymore! More angst! More flashbacks! More staring at Ghost Edward floating in the water, more last bubbles of air escaping Bella's lungs, more BELLA ALMOST DIED. And more Slow Life.

  • Andee's Pet Peeve: That Jacob calls Bella "loca" when she shows up with the bikes, and also when Jacob says whatever he says to Bella in Quileute before they almost kiss. That was basically the most embarrassing, awkward, BATHOS thing in the whole movie.

  • When Jacob takes his shirt off to help Bella after she crashes the motorcycle, if you watch him dab her head, you'll see that he's doing absolutely NOTHING for the bleeding, except maybe smear it a little bit. If you're going to go to the effort of Chippendaling your shirt off, at least use it to actually slow the blood flowing out of Bella's head.

  • The smirk that Jane gives when Edward tells Bella to not be afraid when they are heading to see the Volturi. Jane. Is. Scary. People.

  • AND THE WINNER OF THE SADDEST MISUSE OF COMEDIC TIMING goes to the Volturi elevator scene. We LOVE that Chris W. included it, and it was totally funny on its own merit (come on, people, 5 vampires trapped in an elevator with a human. Plus, the fact that they're VAMPIRES and they have to use ELEVATORS.) But we're saddened by the choice of Italian opera music instead of some fantastic Kenny G versions of today's greatest hits. Or would the Volturi prefer muzak?
    Love this, found it on the internets. Mad props to whoever did it.


  1. Hilarious!

    Times I snorted: 'We freaking saw unicorns, y'all'; 'personal space bubbles' (so true); 'is that a thermometer . . .' and I quit - there was just too much win in this entire post.

    Thanks for the head-up tweet about this post! You guys are cracking me up!


  2. That is awesome that you snorted! Andee snorts when she laughs, too! Don't tell her I said that, though.