Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Breaking Dawn is just getting started and I'm already embarrassing myself.

Breaking Dawn is getting started!!! *excited ants-in-my-pants dance commencing in my cubicle* Bill Condon is already in Baton Rouge, sets are being built, preliminary set stalking has begun (see full info on the BD preparations at Mandy's Mind), and this afternoon, it was announced that Benjamin, the witness Egyptian vampire who can control the elements, was cast!

It. Has. BEGUN, Y'ALL.

In retrospect, that dream I had about Kristen Stewart last week makes total sense--like it was a premonition of the future Breaking Dawn excitement that is starting right as I type. However, with my luck,  it's probably more of a premonition of future embarrassment. You decide.

The dream began with me traveling out of town to where KStew was filming. I had done my research and was fairly confident that my hotel was Kristen's as well. But I had to know for sure, so for some reason that made perfect sense in the dream but is lost on me now, I went for an early morning jog in the field behind the hotel. *Kids, don't go for lonely jobs in fields behind hotels. That's what the complimentary gym on the ground floor is for* There was a mysterious dirt road running through the field, and I was freakishly positive would lead me straight to The Stew. Sure enough, out of the foggy forest, two huge tour buses came barreling down the dirt road. "I've found her!" I thought as I kept jogging down the dirt road while the buses passed me. I even waved, certain that KStew, while staring whistfully out the window, saw me. "Maybe she even waved back," I thought. Then I hugged myself, because the thought made me that happy.

I jogged back to the hotel, where college football fans were just leaving for a big game in town. I guess being back in the presence of people and away from the magical field of dreams where Kristen Stewart waves to me made me start thinking about what had just happened. Why a tour bus? "Kristen wouldn't be on a tour bus," I reasoned. "She wouldn't need a whole bus--she's just one tiny girl!" I had been wrong. I felt a little silly, but oh well, no harm done. "Nobody thought I was weird or anything," I thought, "just another vacationing exercise enthusiast who waves to strangers in tour buses."

Until I saw what I was wearing:

Right. Nothing weird there at all.


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Because I Feel Horribly, HORRIBLE Guilty About Not Posting This Week...

Here's Joe Twilight, hanging outside the biology lab during blood typing.

At last--solid, verifiable proof that I am the worst employee on the face of the planet. It took, like, AN HOUR to modify this picture. WHY IS IT NOT TIME TO GO HOME YET???

Wants to go home,


Friday, August 20, 2010

Things I Have In Common With Edward Cullen

Hello, and welcome to the very first editon of Things I Have In Common With Edward Cullen. This may very well be the only edition of Things I Have In Common With Edward Cullen, unless I can come up with some more things later. Moving along, I present to you--

Things I Have In Common With Edward Cullen

Me: I like to listen to music in my car.

Edward: He likes to listen to music in his car.

Reason Why I Listen To Music In My Car: I am so terrified of the engine noise that I must have another louder, more booty-shaking noise to block the sound of the car racing down the highway. Not that's there's anything wrong with the engine--it runs and probably sounds fine. Except that to me, the sound of moving machinery sends the same chills down my back that fingernails on a chalkboard do to most normal people. (My apologies, b/c I realize that I just made you think about fingernails on a chalkboard. Oh crap, I did it again. My bad.) I live in mortal fear of my car's engine, with its pistons pumping up and down, up and down, UP AND DOWN with such rapidty that the thought of what lies under my hood makes me want to curl up in my bed (with my new t-shirt sheets--those mother f*ckers are soft) and cry a little. I am also equally horrifed of ceiling fans on high speed and especially the ones that wobble. I look at ceiling fans and wonder why someone would use Satan to try and cool me down. In fact, there is a fan in my grandmother's house that spins SO EFFING FAST that if it wasn't bolted into the ceiling, it could fly itself around the room, probably hacking off body parts or at least someone's hair along the way. I do not enter that room when I visit. And while not terrifying, both windshield whipers and clothes dryers make me extermely anxious. If I had a Zoloft prescription, driving in the rain or doing my laundry would be so much easier.

Reason Edward Listens to Music in His Car: Probably because he just likes music.

For the love of cheese stop moving,


P.S. Honestly, does anyone else have any of these fears? I would like to know I'm not alone.

P.P.S. If you haven't read LTT yet (but of course you have), their latest recap on meeting Stephenie Meyer is here!

UPDATE: Not 24 hours after I posted the very intimate details of my severe ceiling fan phobia, I was sitting at a pub table in a restaurant out of town when I happened to look up and see this shit:

That's right. A big ass fan. A BIG ASS FAN. Thankfully, it wasn't directly overhead, or I would've had to politely ask the waitress if we could move out from underneath the giant spinning blades of doom. And then to add irony to the already ironic situation, Fiance' tells me that the company that makes that big ass fan is actually called Big Ass Fans. For real, y'all. Seriously, this sucker's blades were about 12 F*CKING FEET LONG. It's like my ceiling fan phobia had sex with @antisocialangel's helicopter dream and this is their love child of death. Needless to say, I did not enjoy my steak as much as I could have.

Things like this always happen to me.


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Grey's Post o' Shame

Yes, this is a genuine Post o' Shame, very similar to Pearls Before Swine's Box o' Stupid People seen below:

Except without the box.

Ten Things I Did Today That I'm Ashamed Of

1. Called some old dude in an RV an "asshole" for not getting into his turn lane quickly enough.

2. Spent the first 4 hours of work not working, because work yesterday made me miss this:

So there, Work.

3. (Refer back to #1) Possibly influenced Andee to also not work by engaging her in a lenghty G-Talk conversation.

4. (Refer back to #2 and #1) Researched Baton Rouge hotels and hotspots with Andee where we would--God willing--be likely to run into Rob, Kristen or any of the Twilight gang.

We need this to be us. Anyone have any cute elementary-aged children we can borrow to make us less creepy? Or does borrowing strange children make you more creepy?

5. (Refer back to #3, #2, and #1) Realized that what we were doing could possibly be classified as pre-meditated preparations for future stalking. Or at least that's what Rob's lawyers will probably try to claim.

6. Stepped in huge wad of baby blue bubble gum in the TJ Maxx parking lot and instead of using a napkin to get it off, I scraped it off on a random curb. Ok, the curb right in front of their entrance.

7. Ate an entire basket of O'Charley's rolls at lunch. By myself.

8. Made fun of Taylor Lautner's height. And laughed at his resemblance to an alpaca. Or llama. Whatever.

(@StotheP and @antisocialangel made me do it!)

9. Tricked our adminstrative assistant into picking up the dead bug on the bathroom floor by asking her to help me find so many dead-bug-pick-up tools that she finally did it herself.

10.  Realized that I didn't have a 10th thing to be ashamed of so instead posted my favorite LOLcat picture of the day.

10, continued. But then thought maybe that was really just phoning it in, so decided to at least show a Twilight-related LOLcat picture.

Closing o' Shame,


Friday, August 13, 2010


Things have slowed down here at Welcome to Forks, Y'all, your southern source for all things hilariously related to Twilight, because things down here in the actual south are getting crazy. Work in the fall is more time-consuming, so we apologize for the slowness of posts. We also apologize for the terrible irony of telling you that we usually post on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays one week, and only posting on Tuesday the next. We love irony unless it can be used as a weapon against us. Damn you, Work, with your ironic weapons.

Once we get through August and September, things should cool off real life-wise and we can sink our teethies into regular blog posts once more. As Breaking Dawn filming gets closer, we will be sharing our Baton Rouge plans (well, not where we're sleeping or eating or what Target we will be using. Sorry, creepers. P.S. Don't think we didn't miss the irony of US not telling online where WE'RE staying on a trip that is, at its most basic core, all about US stalking SOMEONE ELSE), our thoughts about the filming itself, and what we plan to say to Rob and Kristen if we meet them. We really want to work the phrase "douche canoe" in there somewhere, and we may need your help in finding the most tactful way of doing that. (Not because we think either of them are douchey or canoe-like, we just think it would make Rob giggle like a little girl, and who doesn't want that?)

So as soon as Work does this....

....we'll be back on track.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Da Google. God bless Da Google.

A few weeks ago, my favorite comic strip of all time (after Peanuts, of course), Pearls Before Swine, ran a series of strips about "Da Google".

See, the stupid crocodile Larry always wants to eat his "Zeeba neighba". Zebra and Larry the Croc live in the same neighborhood as Rat and Pig, the stars of the strip, although Guard Duck holds my heart. If any of that made sense to you, then give yourself a big hug--you're a Pearls fan. If not, I suggest you go to comics.com and start reading Pearls right away. You will not be able to live without them. This is my kind of humor, people.

Anyway, the Da Google strips go perfectly with looking at what search engine keywords led people to our site. Some of them are wonderfully straightforward Twilight searches like "twilight welcome to forks sign" or "new moon deleted scene bella's birthday cake". But some of them? Some of them are...well....you tell me.

Searches from Da Google (or Da Bing, Da Yahoo--whatever)

  • "andee milf" Well, no, Andee's not exactly a Mother I'd Like to F*ck yet. She's more of a Someone Else's Wife I'd Like to F*ck. (SEWILF? That doesn't sound appealing at all.) Some day, though, she'll be a milf. But she's flattered all the same.

  • "baby oil sliding down the hallway" Sounds fun. But my hallways are carpeted, so this wouldn't really work. Actually, it probably wouldn't work for anyone, regardless of hallway status, would it? Hey, if you are the person who googled this and found us, do you mind letting me know how that worked out for you? Thanks.

  • "fake southern hospitality paula deen" HOW DARE YOU??!? And I bet you think that too much butter is bad for you too, huh? Leave. Now.

  • "gil birmingham sweater" I guess this is because he wore his own jacket in Twilight. I really don't get it, though. I mean, "bill cosby sweater" I would totally understand...

  • "how to keep a bonfire going all night" Fire. You're welcome. 

  • "kiowa gordon got me pregnant" Oh, girl, me too. That Kiowa really gets around, apparently. But the child support comes in on time now that he's got that Twilight gig.

  • "spider killer game" Hey. Killing spiders is not a game. It's serious business. But you should always say you're sorry after you do it.

  • "pap smear Robert Pattinson paparazzi" There's really nothing funny about this one. It could actually mean that someone was intentionally trying to reach our site, and that makes me feel special. That someone wanted to find our site, I mean. Not pap smears. They don't make me feel special at all, just icky.

    Needs to Google "how to sign your name to your post,"


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

All I Ever Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten. Or From Twilight. Whichever.

My job takes me to lots of different places during the fall. Today, I visited two elementary schools. As I waited in the hallways, I let myself drift back in time....back to 1990, when a much shorter version of me was in kindergarten.

I let the smells of the school--mostly disinfectant, with just a hint of vomit (thank gah the kids weren't back, because then I would smell cabbage. School cafeteria food always smells like cabbage in the south)--lull me back to the days of learning to tie my shoelaces so that I could finally get a pair of white leather Keds to wear mult-colored socks with. Back to the days of trying really, REALLY hard to color inside the lines so that I could win at least one--just one--coloring contest. Back to the days of freaking out my teachers because I talked like I was 30 years old because I was an only child and didn't know how to speak "kid".

Or specifically, back to the day when I pissed my pants doing nap mat duty because there was no teacher around to ask permission to use the restroom because they drilled it in us that we couldn't go to the bathroom unless we asked, so I held it and held it, hoping that my teacher would come back but she never did so I peed in my grey cordoroy overalls and had to wear a pair of grungy purple sweatpants from the lost and found box for the rest of the day.

Yay, me.

But the thing I remember the most were the bulletin boards. I was a sucker for a nicely decorated bulletin board. Those little round-faced kids with their beedy little eyes and single-lined smiles, doing all kinds of awesome things--fishing for good behavior, taking conduct out of this world--those kids were awesome.

It made me wish I was a little kid again. Especially if there were Twilight-themed bulletin boards, like this one:

Yes, Bella. Victoria found you. An amazing feat, considering you didn't even leave Forks or anything.

Kids today do have Twilight posters in libraries, encouraging them to, like, read or whatever.

If I ever had the misfortune to dislike reading...well, this would definitely change that.

So kids, enjoy your Twilight-filled school days. But always remember to run to the effing bathroom if you are about to piss yourself. To hell with permission.

Need to go back to school to learn how to sign my name at the end of each post,