Wednesday, April 7, 2010

How to Get a Cullen to Say "Elephant, Elephant, Elephant", or We Can Pretty Much Make Anything Relate to Twilight

It's certainly Spring down here in south Alabama: the grass is green, the trees have leaves, the flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping, butterflies are fluttering, the skies are sunny. Sounds beautiful....
But we really haven't had the chance to enjoy it.

We've been sneezing.
The reason for our sneezin'.

Spring sucks, because in Alabama it means Pollen Season has returned: noses are runny/stuffy/snotty/, eyes are itchy/watery/swollen shut/, sinus headaches are pounding, skin is itchy and blotchy.

And every. single. surface is covered--COVERED!!--in that awful yellow dust.

Especially our cars. When we leave them outside for even a few hours, sometimes we can't find where we parked them. Because nature has magically transformed our blue and red cars....into yellow ones. Very sneaky, nature (True story...I drove up to my work parking lot the other and had a split second though of...Am I in the right place? Are they turning this into a tennis court?*Andee)

Disgusting. And exactly what our cars look like for a month, because there's no point in washing them.

At least now we can pretend that we drive Alice's yellow Porche from New Moon.

We wondered how vampires would like to live down south during pollen season. "Vampires are too badass to be affected by a little pollen," you say. (We're really glad you said that, because now this whole post has a point. So thank you.) Maybe...or maybe not. Because vampires have nose hairs like we do, right? If they didn't, then how could they smell things? And you know they have an amazing sense of smell. Very much heightened from our own.

Which must mean that they have super sensitive nose hairs.

Pollen up close. This is what they're super sensitive nose hairs pick up. It looks *exactly* like the moon at the beginning of New Moon. 

Coincidence? We think not! (Thanks to @CPHaurora!)

And those super sensitive nose hairs would have to be super sensitive to pollen as well. And since we're on the subject of super sensitive senses (Say it. Five times fast. OUT LOUD), you know that vampires have awesome eyesight. Bella describes vampire vision really well when she is "turned" in Breaking Dawn. Pollen season would SUCK for them, because all they would be able to see were those tiny freaking pollen particles floating around everywhere (like when Bella had to wear the contacts to hide her evil red eyes from Charlie). We bet it would drive them nuts. It would be like looking at the world thru pee-colored glasses.

Okay, Okay...Back to super sensitive nose hairs. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a vampire sneezed???? Because they would be sneezing all the time down here during pollen season. However, sneezing could be fun for the Cullens. After all, a sneeze is like an orgasm for your nose. It feels so freaking good sometimes, doesn't it (Yes, it does Grey...but I'm often driving when I sneeze and I'm always scared of wrecking!!!*Andee) ? And if it feels good to us, it would feel ten times better for a vampire. Just like human sex vs. vampire sex.

I guess that means *this* is her "O" face.

But now for some serious questions about vampire sneezes: Would the power of their sneeze be enough to knock a grown man down? Because that could be a problem--everytime Edward's nose gets a little tickle, someone gets blown thru a window? That's a little conspicuous, don't you think? Or what if they tried to sneeze with their eyes open (which is possible) , but it's so powerful, they blow their eyeballs out? We know that they could just stick them back in and they would fuse back, but how will they be able to see to find them?

Or how about this: instead of saliva, would they sneeze venom? Would the venom-spittle come out so powerfully that it could penetrate a human's skin....which would then......infect them with venom and ultimately change them into vampires, too?

OH MY GAH. Vampirism just became an air-born epidemic.

Not even a southern girl's "Bless You" can save us now.


  1. Uhmazing. Once again.

    Now I'm going to do something I always forget to do. I'm going to actually show my respect for awesome blogging skills by responding to questions asked by the bloggers in their uhmazing post. And I'm going to do so as Stephenie Meyer. Ahem:

    Thanks so much for this wonderful blog celebrating your love of my internationally best-selling bookseries! While I can understand how you would be confused about vampire sneezes, let me reassure you that they are, in fact, able to control the force of their sneezes. In much the same way that Edward was able to make love with Bella without harming her nether regions, vampires are able to temper their sneezes by biting boxes of Kleenex. After which they always look chagrined. Thank you and don't forget to read The Host, my book that is not Twilight! And also the thing about Bree that is not Midnight Sun!

    PS I heart you guys so hard for vampire sneezes becoming an airborne epidemic. I want this movie to happen, and I want it to star Bruce Campbell.

  2. OMG, Stephenie!!! I can't believe you know about our humble little blog!!! I will keep your information in mind and always carry a box of Kleenex around during spring in case of vampire allergies! Thank you so much for writing Twilight!!! I haven't read The Host which is not Twilight, but I will be buying the thing about Bree that is not Midnight Sun.