Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Edward Cullen Doesn't Care How You Flip Your Pancakes

The other day, I was making myself gorgeous, and when I put my make-up on at my vanity by my window, I like to watch TV, or at least have it on. I don't like to beautify in silence. So I flipped channels until I saw that Bewitched was on TV Land. "I haven't seen Bewitched in years!" I thought to myself. (Because when I talk to myself, I sound like a old lady. I have an old lady brain.) I used to watch Bewitched and I Dream of Jeanie all the time when they first came on Nick at Night. That was back in the 90's. I fondly remember Block Party Summer, and one whole weekday evening would be devoted to a particular show. Nick at Night was really awesome in my childhood. (I guess my old lady brain liked all those shows from the 60's and 70's.)
I memorize theme songs. Now this one is stuck in my head for at least three days.

It was an episode where Samantha was outside one morning, painting. It was important that she catch the morning light on her subject: a bowl of fruit. Then the timer went off in the kitchen--it was time to flip the pancakes. (Random thought: who leaves pancakes unattended to go outside and paint?) Samantha was conflicted--she knew she should rush into the kitchen and get Darren's breakfast ready, but she had to have the right light for her painting. So she wiggled her nose and did it the magical way--pancakes flipped themselves, coffee pot poured a nice, hot cuppa' joe, a cold glass of orange juice flew out of the fridge and made its way to the breakfast table with all the other eats.

Then her mother, Endora, showed up and praised her for actually using her powers, and I suddenly remembered--Darren didn't like Samantha to use her witchcraft, and so she always tried to do everything the human way.
Shut up, Darren. You needed a lighter, she got it for you. What is your freaking problem? P.S. I see you, Endora. You sexy thing.

And this bothered the 25-year-old me in a way that the 10-year-old me never picked up on...that Darren demanded that Samantha deny who she essentially was. By trying to be human, she was pretending to be something she wasn't. Yes, she loved him. Yes, (as my mother pointed out) she didn't tell him before they got married that she was a witch. BUT STILL. Darren wants Samantha to deny her witchcraft, and thus, deny her true self.

I didn't think that I was a feminist, but this totally bothered me. "I would never let someone, some man, tell me what to do," I fumed. "I'd have more balls than that. I'm an independent woman, got it?" Which totally speaks volumes of how I (possibly/maybe/ok, fine) treat my fiance. Poor Brando....I feel for him, but sometimes I am not to be trifled with. He puts up a good fight, though, bless his heart.

But last night I had this dream. Yes, Edward was in it. Yes, it was sexy. And yes, it totally proved that I am a huge freaking hypocrite.

Or at least Dream Me is. She's also a slut, but that's another post for another day.

Obviously it involved Twilight. I was a new kid in high school, and it was lunch time. Even though I was new, I  was apparently dating my fiance', Brando. I sat my books and purse down on the lunch table in the cafeteria and went to get my food. Brando said that since it was a nice day, we should eat outside, and he headed out there. I told him I would meet him outside, and stopped to get my stuff. I considered leaving it there...after all, who was going to take my bookbag and purse? So I left them, took a few steps, had second thoughts, set my tray down, scooped my stuff on, picked up the tray and headed outside.

I would eat sloppy joe's all. day. long. if I could sit with this. Hell, I'd  even eat them extra sloppy.

When I found the table, things had changed. Brando was no longer Brando--he was Edward. (There are so many things I could say, but I won't...) I sat down opposite him, and he grinned at me, with that half smile that Rob is sooooo good at. And then he beckoned me over to him, and I got totally excited. (Apparently when Brando turned into Edward, he ceased to be my boring old boyfriend and became my super hot crush, so that's where all the giddy feelings were coming from.) As I sat down next to him, he looked at me sweetly and said....

"Where have you been?"

But even though his face and voice were sweet, the message behind them was not. I stammered through my story about not being able to decide what to do with my bags, but I could tell that it wasn't good enough. "I don't think that would take you that long..." he replied. It was scary--he was being freaky possessive, like he thought that in the few minutes I had debated on my bags, I must have passionately made out with some random guy on top of a lunch table. (Obviously, I hadn't, or my butt would have been covered in sloppy joe sauce.)

Then Edward bit the end of my nose.

Which sounds weird, but was totally sexy in my dream--he was talking and getting closer to my face, and at the end of a sentence,  he took just a little, sexy nip at the end of my nose. I do remember that it hurt, but that I didn't care. In fact, even though Edward was being a total psycho-possessive-scary boyfriend, I was so into him. It was like sitting next to sex personified. I didn't care what he was telling me, or what he was implying, or what kind of future I would have with someone who needed me to account for three minutes of my life--he was just so damn hot.

Edward takes "Got your nose" to a whole other level.

It was like I was in his spell.

Just like Samantha from Bewitched is in Darren's. (Get it? It's funny because she's the witch, but she's in her human husband's spell--because she loves him! Actually, I think I kind of ruined it by explaining it. Sorry.) She loves him and would do anything for him. Just like I loved Dream Edward and would have done anything for him. But Darren isn't some possessive jerk who scares the crap out of you. He's a pretty nice dude--a little high-strung, but nice enough, and most importantly, he loves his girl. Just like the "real" Edward. "Real" Edward may have been labeled by some as "possesive" and "controlling" and "stalker-y", but all the things he was kind of a turd about were things that kept Bella safe. Edward cared about her, cared that her human life was so vunerable and fragile, so he was willing to do anything, even piss Bella off, to keep her safe. And if making Samantha Stevens turn off her twitcher would keep her safe, Edward Cullen would demand that, too. But since he's a magical, mythical creature as well, he probably wouldn't care if Samantha used her powers. I mean, he can't turn his off...why should she?

I still don't like the fact that Darren makes Samantha do things the human way, but in my dream, I got a glimpse of how she must feel about him that makes her willingly tone down her freaktastic magical powers. In my dream, I was obviously in the bad kind of love, but it made me see that if you were in the good kind of love, maybe a few concessions wouldn't be such a big deal. Maybe I could concede a few times, too.

Brando will be so proud of me....

.....until he finds out it had something to do with Twilight.

Then it will just be funny.


  1. I remember the Block Party on Nick at Night too! I lovvvvved it!

    You make some good points. I'm also the sort of girl that fights anything my love tries to tell me to do. I say "tries" because I'll never do anything he says. I can't unless I start a mega fight and feel guilty. But he does almost everything I ask. Boooo to me, I guess.

    I love the dream! Him biting your nose at the end is both creepy and cute. I can't decide.