Monday, March 1, 2010

Twilight Profile: Kiowa Gordon, or Please Just Keep Reading And Eventually You Will Get To The Part About Kiowa

Today I spent my lunch hour walking around Target. I was there to get bridal shower invitations for the shower I'm throwing for my cousin. You'd think that would be pretty easy, right? I mean, no need to spend your entire lunch hour there to just pick up a couple of packs of invites, right?

Wrong. I sat in the invitation/thank you card aisle, literally staring at the 3 choices Target made available to me, one of which was ugly, and 2 of which had cute skinny wedding dresses on the front, which would normally be FANTASTIC except that the bride is 7 months pregnant and they don't make maternity bridal shower invitations and we live in the FREAKING BIBLE BELT and I had no idea if the conservative little blue-haired ladies we sent these things to were going to show up at the shower with pitchforks and torches in hand. All because I sent out bridal shower invitations with white wedding dresses on them.

Oh, and rolling pins. Of course they'd bring rolling pins. P.S. I don't think this is a real grandma. I think this is a poser.

It blew my brain SO HARD that I was beginning to think in run-on sentences (like the one above). But I knew that if I could just get through this, a wonderful reward would be waiting for me. Because what I was planning to do after Target was going to make everything freaking peaches, y'all. I was going next door to Barnes and Noble to pick up Rob's Details magazine, because nothing turns a frown upside down like Rob Pattinson, naked ladies, and vagina allergies.

Nothing clears up the vagina allergies quite like Robert Pattinson.

But there was no Details magazine.
I could have shut down right then, I guess. On some level, I think I did. I needed that magainze, guys. It was going to change my day. I'm already pissed that everyone in NYC is having a freaking field day getting ready for Remember Me, and going to see Rob on the Today Show, or Jimmy Fallon, or The View, or The Daily Show. I mean, all those chances to see Rob, and I'm stuck down here in Lower Alabama, trying not to offend old ladies.
I NEEDED that magazine. I needed it like Ashley Greene needs to tone it down. (Yes, boys like you naked. Relax.) I needed it like Catherine Hardwick needs to watch the Twilight audition tape one more time. I needed it like Kellen Lutz DOESN'T need a sock. (You know what I'm talking about.)

I needed it like Kiowa Gordon needs a hug.

Look at those puppy-dog eyes (really, honestly, TRULY no pun intended).
Yes, Kiowa is our Twilight Profile for today, and he needs a hug. Badly. You've seen the New Moon press videos of the Wolf Pack making their rounds, and Kiowa is always a little bit more reserved than the rest. Obviously, anyone around Bronson would look like a statue in comparision, but Kiowa is definitely the least exhuberant Wolf Packer in the vidoes I've seen. Even his character, Embry, once he becomes part of the pack, is low-profile and always in the back of the group.

Don't try to cover your face, Kiowa. You have as much right to strut around in your peacoat as Chaske does in his scarf, or Alex does with his immeasurable hotness.

Kiowa, don't let them squeeze you into the back. That happened to me at my first dance recital. I was three, and we were dancing in a line to "Animal Crackers In My Soup", and some of the bigger girls squeezed me into the back. So there I was, dancing all alone in the back. My mom was pissed. She told me I should have elbowed my way back into the line.

Obviously, Kiowa is sad and needs a hug. And guess what? While we are at The Offical Twilight Convention in Atlanta this weekend (THIS WEEKEND!!!!), we will see Kiowa. And, God willing, give him a hug. Do you think he's ticklish? Cause we may tickle him also. It depends on how he reacts to the hug.

Now Kiowa seems a little upset. Was it because we tickled you?

We just want to see Kiowa smile, and then after he smiles, we want to take it a step further. We want to hear him giggle.

So when we write next Monday's post and it's all about how we spent the night in the ATL jail because we allegedly tackled and tickled a Twilight star, well....................................................

At least you knew it was coming.


  1. We've got your bail. Do it. For us.

    This is your chance to shine. To make up for all the regret that's tormented you since that dance recital so long ago. You grab that boy and drag both your butts front and center. Make sure someone's filming the Tickle Me Kiowa bit.

    Front row dancing to "Animal Crackers" could NEVER have topped a mugshot and a "lewd and lascivious behavior" write-up in the Atlanta Tribune.

    Make us proud.

  2. I just realized that I forgot all about the Details mag. Fangirl fail #3113.

    Tickle Kiowa! He looks like he needs it.

    PS. If you get thrown in jail, I will send at least $5 (What? I'm poor.) for your bail money. You can count on me! ;)

  3. LOLz @ Alex's immeasurable hotness. Trufax, ladies, TRUFAX. xD

  4. I'm not really sure how we should feel about you guys' encouragement to end up in the slammer. But since you've offered to help with bail.....

    I'm totally going to use "Tickle Me Kiowa" in my next Twitter shout out.

    And when we grab him, I'm gonna start singing "Animal Crackers" just to make it more poignant.

    Then I won't end up in jail....I'll end up in the psych ward.