Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Twilight Profile: Gil Birmingham

Yesterday, I discussed the rigors of buying bridal shower invitations. Today I spent my ENTIRE morning addressing them. (Yes, during work. I love my job. It is the very, very best.) By hand. Recipient address. Return address. All. By. Hand.
The only way that I got through it was by pretending that I, Grey the Twilight Blogger, was Catherine Hardwicke's first and only choice to play the role of Bella Swan, the protaginst of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga, and that instead of addressing envelopes, I was signing autographs for thousands of hyperventalating fans.

Oh, and Robert Pattinson is sitting right next to me. Did I mention that since I won the role over Kristen Stewart, I had found a way to make Rob fall in love with me instead of her? Yeah, that's why in my cubicle fantasy, during our free moments inbetween autographs, he's got his hand on my knee. Don't be jealous. We're in love.

Rob's smiling because now I've got my hand on his......er, knee. Yeah.

It's funny that I should imagine that i'm signing autographs (and that I would ever, EVER be able to take the place of Kristen Stewart. None of us can. There's even a whole website devoted to how we can never be as good as her),because we're going to be getting the autographs of several Twilight stars this weekend in Atlanta. We bought one of those "Preferred Weekend" packages, and while it's not the very highest that one can roll at the Twi Con (we save the ultimate VIP/front row seat money for Britney Spears and Rob Pattinson only), we get a one-on-one autograph session with each celebrity there.

All except for Mr. Gil Birmingham, a.k.a. Billy Black, our Twilight Profile of the day. His is the only autograph not included in our package.

We are so sad. Why do you make us cry, Gil Birmingham?

Why, Gil? We know that you're "down with the kids," but why are you only "down with the Gold Weekend Package but not the Preferred Weekend Package kids"? We were really looking forward to getting your autograph. You are second to only Mr. Charlie Swan himself, Billy Burke, when it comes to stealing every scene that you are in. You tried to fight the Forks Chief of Police and your battle tactic was to run him down in your wheelchair. You are the bringer of Harry Clearwater's famous fish fry and when you bring it baby, you bring it in a brown paper bag. You were one of the few characters in Twilight to give Edward the stink eye and not end up dead. You were--and I think Barney from HIMYM says it best--LEGENDARY.

I read somewhere that this was actually your sweater. But I can't ask you that, because I don't get to meet you.

You've had a pretty awesome career. You are from the South originally (Yay, Southern people! We have to represent in Hollywood in order to make up for all the toothless people that end up on CNN. There are dentists in Alabama, people. Really). You've been in tons of movies, tv shows, etc. You like to play music and you were a bodybuilder. You built this body, and it gave you the chance to play Conan the Barbarian. You cannot pass stuff like this up, and you didn't.

Wow. You looked just like Ah-nuld. You're welcome.

Gil Birmingham, I hope that we at least get to meet you in Atlanta. But it will have to be a casual meeting (or Andee will have to flash you to get your attention. Not me because I don't have any boobs) because we're not going to pay extra for your autograph. It doesn't mean we don't love you. It doesn't mean that in the future, every time we talk about you, we will call you Jill, because that's what I already do everytime I say or think your name. It doesn't mean that when Eclipse comes out, we will hiss when you are on the screen. It doesn't mean that we will keep mistakenly referring to you as "that dude from Free Willy" like Andee did that one time. No, we will still love you. You are a great actor and made Twilight's Billy Black AWESOMESAUCE.

What it probably means is that you're going to get flashed at Twi Con in Atlanta this weekend. Which I guess is a win-win--you get to see boobs and we get your attention without having to pay extra for an autograph. Except now, we'll be going to jail for allegedly assulting Kiowa Gordon and indecent exposure. So I guess it's actually a win-win-lose.

P.S. To the person who created this:

No. Just....no. Look, Brokeback Mountain jokes are old. But besides that, you can't just make a Brokeback joke just because someone has a cowboy hat on. I don't care if your true meaning was that Twilight itself was "gay" and since Gil has a cowboy hat on, you can go there. It would only work if Edward/Rob ALSO had a cowboy hat on. And you shouldn't be making gay jokes anyway.

And as a bonus treat, the G-Talk conversation that led to this crappy post:

Andee: i think we should do gil birmingham today

Grey: yes, i think we should, too and it's going to be about how we don't get to get his autograph and why that makes us sad

Andee: and that ANDEE thought he was the guy off of Free Willy haha

Grey:I will have to look that up, because i totally don't remember free willy except that part at the end? when the whale lands on the boy and squishes him

Wait, did that happen? :)

Andee: nope.... haha he jumped over him and MADE IT TO THE OCEAN.

That would have been a horrible kid movie if that had happened, grey


  1. First of all, teehee you said package. Secondly, you guys are never gonna learn how Billy Black drove that truck, cause that information is for priviledged "Gold Weekend Package" buyers (teehee package buyers) only. Unless you ask by writing it on your boobs. If you decide to do this, write the hotel room number as well, incase he's too busy and feels like sending one of the wolf pack to show you exactly how it was done. Bow chicka wow wow...Can you tell I've never been to any conventions? pfffttt I should shut up.

    You guys are da bomb! :)

  2. Oh, I hope, I hope, I HOPE that's how conventions work.

    Andee could fit all that on her boobs. I think.

  3. OKAY PEOPLE...Grey and IllegalWL y'all act like I can't read...now stop TALKING ABOUT MY BOOBS every other post!!!Grey you are in BIG trouble this weekend (that is if the flashing doesn't work at Twicon...because IT BETTER!*Andee

  4. Oh, it will work. Trust. I've seen your boobs. It will work.

  5. Awwwwww, since when is "Gold" better than "Preferred," anyway? Doesn't the definition of "Preferred" MEAN that you guys are . . . well, preferred? As in, above all others? This makes no sense to me.

    I'm glad to see you aren't giving up in the face of adversity. As a former Girl Scout I will share our motto and some good advice: Be Prepared. Take something for Gil to sign, just in case you run into or over him during the convention. A "Falcon Crest" DVD from 1987 when he had such a small role that IMDB won't even acknowledge his character had a name. A Stevie Ray Vaughan cd because apparently the late musician inspired Gil's own musical pursuits and also because if Gil wants to listen to a track with you guys, you'll have approximately eleven minutes in which to convince him to talk to the casting director about one of you playing his daughter in a Twilight film or at least let you try out - in a kissing scene with Alex/Paul. OR - and this is last but definitely NOT least - you could have him sign a picture of Andee's BOOBS! Hehehehehehehe.

    Wow. I'm going to stop now. I had no idea this "comment" would turn into such a journey of Gil Birmingham/Girl Scout memories discovery.

    PS I could totally hook you up with something useful from my Girl Scout arts and crafts memorabilia, for all that time spent in autograph lines. I made it and it's called a situpon. You . . . sit . . upon . . it. Amazing, I know.

  6. Yes, your extensive Girl Scout training has finally paid off. We will indeed keep on the lookout for times when Gil Birmingham can sign something. Maybe it will be one of the items you suggested. Maybe it will be a cassette tape of Diana Ross' Muscles, in which video he was an oily and half naked participant. Maybe it will be Andee's ACTUAL boobs. We don't know yet. We will make that call when the time is right.

    I have to know what a situpon is. I will not be able to work today until I find out.

  7. Um. It's just a piece of picnic table fabric, wrapped around some magazines and tied with yarn.

    Like I said . . amazing.