Thursday, March 18, 2010

Breaking Dawn: Grey's Cut (Available at Wal-Mart Locations Everywhere)

A quick recap from yesterday:

  • Jacob imprints on Nessie and it's creepy.
  • While it wasn't anything close to "imprinting," in the olden days, being a teenaged male who knew he was going to marry a 8 year old female was pretty normal.
  • Jacob's feelings/motives for Nessie were not pervy.
  • Stephanie Meyer obviously wanted Jacob to be happy and this was her chosen way to make that happen.
  • It's still a little creepy.
So, as promised, here is Grey's Version of Breaking Dawn *dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!*

Eclipse ends the same way, with Jacob brokenhearted because Bella was going to marry Edward. (Which is what happens to love triangles--someone's gonna get hurt, unless you decide to move into the whole menage a trois thing, and I'm PRETTY SURE that Jacob and Edward wouldn't have gone for that. Bella was really disappointed when they told her "no.") Breaking Dawn begins the same, too, except we'll leave out that really awkward and not-in-any-way normal conversation where Bella lets Jacob know that she and Edward are going to have cautious sex before she's a vampire, and he gets so pissed off that he almost phases and kills Edward right there, BECAUSE I HATE THAT PART. Possibly the 5 or so lines I hate most in the entire saga.

Bella and Edward go off on their honeymoon and Bella comes back pregnant. Same as Steph's BD. Jacob still protests when the pack wants to kill Bella and the baby, is still worried and concerned for Bella's safety,still hates Edward because he got the girl and then got the girl pregnant, and--most importantly--still hates the "thing" that Bella is carrying.

And then the baby is born.

Now, I said that my version would blow your mind, but I was lying. Actually, my idea for the movie is pretty simple. Here are the steps that must be in place for my version to work:

My movie version first deviates from Twilight canon in that you remove all knowledge that the wolves imprint on first sight. All you have to do is not mention that in Eclipse, and you're good. In fact, LEAVE OUT THE WHOLE SCENE where Jacob talks about Quil imprinting on a little girl. He can explain imprinting to Bella, fine, but no Quil/Claire and no mention of "at first sight."

Both of these are possible because Eclipse hasn't come out yet, and they can easily not have that scene in there.

Now, when Nessie is born, there should be no mention of Jacob imprinting on Nessie. The audience should be aware that SOMETHING happens when Jacob sees the baby (and the Twilight fans will know what that something is supposed to represent). Make it a small moment. A pause. A connection, where Jacob sees that Nessie's eyes are intellegent, not bloodthirsty and savage. Let that look change his heart from hatred of Nessie to acceptance of her. Add a little bit of curiousity and facination about her, and you've got the foundation for my fantastic ending to BD....

Now, Jacob has accepted Nessie and there's something about her that he can't quite place, but since he's broken off from his pack, there's no reason why he can't keep hanging around the Cullens. If the audience is perceptive enough, they will realize that Jacob isn't really moondogging (lol at my own pun) after Bella anymore, and understand why. Others will just think he's finally accepted defeat. Maybe throw in a little bit of Leah in there, to throw people off track. (I mean, COME ON, you guys saw it too...there was totally potential there for Jacob and Leah to hook up. If I hadn't already known that he would imprint on Nessie before I read BD, I totally would have thought that Stephanie was going to take it there...)

All this (Jacob still being with the Cullens, his lessening interest in Bella) will be masked by the fact that the danger from Irina and the Volturi begins almost immediately. Since Bella trusts Jacob, he is still there to help protect Nessie, and he is still the obvious choice to take her if they all die fighting the Volturi. But they don't die, because they prove to the Volturi that Nessie isn't a threat. The End.

Just kidding.

It's 7 years later...

....the Cullens have moved on, to Alaska. They couldn't stay in Forks forever, after all. The wolf packs stay in the Forks area, protectors of their land. But Bella, Edward, and Renesmee regularly come back to visit Charlie and Jacob, like once a year, so they have seen Renesemee grow up quickly. But this time, Jacob comes into Charlie's house, turns the corner, and boom....

....finds himself staring face to face with a beautiful 17-year-old Nessie. And then there's a BIG MOMENT, deep eye staring, jaw slowly dropping, as recognition of what's happening takes hold. Jacob has imprinted. He knows it, Bella and Edward know it, the audience knows it (Charlie's clueless).

And then the movie's over.

Seriously, I end the movie there. I'm not kidding.

I like my version, because it avoids any hint of impropriety with small children AND gives us a glimpse of the happily ever after of Bella and Edward. AND shows us what Renesmee will look like grown up.

So, Melissa Rosenburg? I'm waiting for my royalty check. And, you're welcome.

What did you guys think? Was it lame? Did it leave any gaping plot holes? Do you have ideas of how to handle Breaking Dawn? Please comment and let us know!!!


  1. I want to marry you for this...

    *stands up*

    *applauds widely*

  2. If I had a nickel for every Twilight fan that wanted to marry me.....

    ....well, I'd have a nickel. But that's not the point. The point is THANK YOU THANK YOU!!