Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Breaking Dawn: I don't hate it, but...

(Note: This is just Grey's opinion of a certain part of BD. If you feel differently, we won't hate you or anything. And, oh gah, please don't hate us. We are total people-pleasers, it would kill us. But if you have a different opinion, please feel free to share it. Cause we're also sharing people.)

I read Agatha Christie novels. I think I’ve read almost all of them actually, but it wasn’t until the other night that I picked up her autobiography. In it, I read something pretty interesting that I---of course---related back to Twilight. (Because it's like EVERYTHING relates back to Twilight at some point. Is that a sign of obsession?) Or more specifically, Breaking Dawn.

"Damnnnn, Agatha! How'd you get so awesome?.......What?.....Oh....oh, Dame Agatha. I see."

(Totally Off-Topic Note: Does anyone watch Roseanne? Do you remember the episode where Roseanne and Dan do their taxes at the last minute? And every time someone says any variation of the word "audit" the music goes "Dun-dun-DUNNNNNNNNNN!" and they look around for where it could be coming from? THAT'S what happens to me when I hear/see the words "Breaking Dawn."

Hear it?)

Agatha tells the story of how her parents met and married. (Note: Agatha was born in 1890, so obviously it was the mid-1800's when her parents hooked up.) Her father, Frederick, and her mother, Clarissa, were step-cousins and Frederick was a teenager when Clarissa was a young girl.

Frederick was amused by his little cousin and she adored him. They got along very well, until one day, one of Frerdick's friends told him, “You know, you’re going to marry your little cousin Clarissa one day.” And while the thought had never before crossed Frederick's mind, he now seriously considered it. And yes, FELL IN LOVE WITH HER. When Claire turned 16, Frederick asked permission to marry her. Her guardians were unsure at first, because she was so young, but because Frederick was so in love with her, they finally assented. And eventually Agatha was born.

(And yes, I am aware of the fact that I am about to call Jacob and ReeNee out, while blatantly ignoring the fact that these two people were semi-related. It's because I'm southern, I come from a town of 5,000. The ENTIRE TOWN is related. It's no biggie for me.)

Look how chaste. It's precious. Ok, well that shoulder is a little bare....hmmm, she may get up on the trampy side of the bed after all.

When I first read this, my first thought was "Ewww." I can't help it, there is just something a little bit creepy about a physically mature (youknowwhatimsayin) male looking at an elementary-aged female and thinking, "One day, I'll hit that" "Someday, that young lass may be my wife." And it was yet ANOTHER reminder of one of the most uncomfortable parts of the Twilight Saga: Jacob imprinting on Renesemee (I don't even care if I've spelled that name right.)

Now, I've done some thinking about the whole "early bethrothal/imprinting" thing, and I've come to understand it. I don't think either Jacob or Agatha Christie's father is a perv. I don't think that Jacob imprinting on a tiny child was quite the way for Steph to go, but here's a little scenario that makes me feel better:

George? Yes, dear? You know I love you, don't you, darling? And I, you, my pet. George? Yes, dear? When you die, I do get all the money, don't I?......George?

Jim and Jane are born on the same day in the mid 1800's. They grow up next door to each other and spend their childhood together. Eventually, Jim goes away to school; Jane is taught at home. After school, Jim either enlists in the army/begins training for his vocation/does something useful, while Jane is ready to be married. Jane's parents start looking for suitable matches. Guess who is not one of them? Jim, because he is just starting to establish his career and "credentials" to be a good husband. So Jane will marry George, who is like 10 years older than Jim, and already established and ready to be a proper providing husband.

Now, if all the Jane's in the neighborhood are engaged to George's, then who is left for the Jim's to marry?
Yes, maybe someone older, if she's wealthy (think: a cougar with money). But more likely....

....someone younger.

(Did I just blow your mind?.................Oh, you had already thought of that? Nevermind.)

So, obviously, it's really pretty historcially normal in polite society for a 18-year-old boy to look at a younger girl and wonder what she'll be like when she grows up. Because that's really the key, isn't it? Jacob isn't looking all pervy at the tiny Renesemee. The pervy looks won't start until she's closer to his age, and by then they won't be pervy at all....just normal, everyday horny male teen thoughts. And Nessie will be having those same-ish type thoughts, too.

So I spent all this time justifying in my head why it was morally, historically, and logically alright for Jacob to imprint on Nessie, only to say this:

That it is the New Millenium, Stephanie Meyer. And IT. IS STILL. CREEPY.  I don't want Jacob to be creepy. I like Jacob the Warrior for Bella's Heart and Soul. Jacob the Technical Leader of His Entire Effing Tribe. Jacob the Bad Ass Biker. I like these Jacobs. So why would you want to insert a story line where people could potentially view him as Jacob the Seriously Disturbed and Dangerously Close to Committing a Felony?
Ok, everyone's a kid here. It's not that creepy. But the fact that somone used it to symbolize Jacob and Renesmee...and there's even a dog in it...

I get it, Steph---it ties up your story quite nicely, doesn't it? No feeling bad for Jacob because Bella chose Edward, all loose ends tied up, everyone happy. But do you know who's not going to be happy, Steph?
All those people that see Breaking Dawn: The Movie without reading Breaking Dawn: The Book *almost peed myself when orchastra music startled me*, who will finally, FINALLY be able to assert--with absolute positivity--that Twilight fans are f*cking crazy.

So I've got a way to save the day--an idea for the Breaking Dawn *plugs ears because the dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn is kinda loud* that could avoid the entire mess AND give us die-hard Twi-hards a little treat, as well. Oh,'s gonna bend the rules of Twilight canon, but only a little bit. It's going to change some stuff up. Maybe it will be awesome, or at least pretty decent.

Oh, and it will be here tomorrow. Muah-ha-ha-ha....


  1. Okay that was rather interesting and quite entertaining.... Can't wait for more it was so unfair of you to leave us hanging like that...

  2. Oh, now I can't wait. I'm hoping it has something to do with Leah and Renestupidnamemee being switched at birth through a creative use of the space/time continuum.

    OH,yeah, and this post? THIS POST? This post is why I'm a forksamaniac.

  3. Well, crap. Now I have to come up with another ending...

    Thanks for the comments!!!

  4. so true about haters having absolute proof we're all nuts. i am both dreading this movie and looking forward to the fuckery. it's kinda almost my fave book in the series, though. justsayin. *ducks*

  5. Hey, that's ok! Everyone likes something different! Everyone always says that Eclipse is their favorite book, but Twilight is mine (it's because it's like Pride and Prejudice, and I'm a sucker for unattainable men who--pleasant surprise--find me facinating). I like BD because Edward finally gets Bella the way he wants her...not like that. Married. I mean married.

  6. Why did I miss this?

    Where the hell have I been?

    Defending my good name elsewhere, that's where. Eff my good name. Long live the forks!

    *runs around carrying giant fork* *hears mother's voice... "I TOLD you not to run with forks!"* *falls and pokes eyeball out*

    Forks are dangerous... but not nearly as evil as sporks.

    PS. I love this. THIS IS WHY Twi fans are insane. I want for no one to see the BD movie(s?) except the fans.

    The end.

  7. I followed that drama a little bit the other day!! If I ever have to rough anyone up, I will make sure you are in my corner! Just make sure to bring your giant fork.