Thursday, June 24, 2010

Another Fabulous Listing by Forks Realty! Twilight Fans Need Not Enquire.

So I've been house hunting for the past month, and it's been nothing but a gigantic pain in my posterior. The small town that we're looking to live in doesn't really have anything that I LOVE on the market, and I wanna really LOVE something if I'm going to pony up my cash and be a home owner.

So I've seen tons of houses--houses made of wood, houses made of brick, houses made of a mixture of the two. (Brood? Wrick?) Forclosed houses, remodeled houses, NOT remodeled houses. I've seen teeny tiny houses with big huge price tags, houses with bright orange rooms dedicated to a college football team, houses that didn't have enough extra bedrooms to house both my extensive wardrobe and my equally extensive Twilight memorabilia collection. I've seen houses that had pets but you couldn't tell, houses that had pets and you COULD tell because the house smelled like dogs and oh, wait, the dogs are in kennels in one of the guest bedrooms and the weiner dog is growling at me and I HATE weiner dogs (well, only the red ones) because my grandparents had an evil red one named Rusty whose sole mission on this earth was to kill me as a child, houses that were locked when we got there so we had to peek into the windows and maybe we leaned too hard on one of them because it fell out of its frame and into the house so we thought "What the hell, we might as well go in now."

So you could say that I have houses on the brain. (Go ahead, say it if you want. Out loud, even, if you are so inclined.) So when I saw all the scanned pictures from the Eclipse Movie Guide, which one do you think I took a second look at? Was it Edward and Jacob talking in the tent? The Jacob/Bella kiss? Alice and Jasper making out?

No, it was this one:

(Ok, fine. I really looked at all the pictures that had Rob in them first. But then I looked at this one.)

My keen house-hunting eye was drawn to the picture of Edward's bedroom, with it's brand new addition--a big ass bed for getting it on to make out on. And it made me think--what if, when it's time for the Cullen clan to leave Forks, they decided to put the house up for sale and I was the buyer looking at Edward's old room?

It makes sense--instead of letting the house sit there in the middle of the woods empty and alone, why not let some other nice family enjoy it? I mean, yes, the Cullens could just come back to it in 100 years and restoring it would give Esme something to do, but she's already restored this house once, y'all. Give her a break.

First off, if I were viewing this room, the realtor would be super pissed at me later when she found out that there's no way I could afford this house and I was completely wasting her time. Also because I probably cut out a piece of Edward's carpet when she wasn't looking and stuffed it into my purse. (Later at home, I will take it out of my purse and smell it.)

Then I would be all, "Wait, this isn't Edward's room." And she'd be all, "Well, of course it is. Don't you see the door to nowhere?" And I'd be all, "Yes, and we'll get to that later, but don't tell me this is Edward's room. I KNOW Edward's room, and this isn't it." And she'd be all like, "What's wrong with you?" and I would tell her that nobody knows but then show her this:

(I can't remember where I stole this from. I do that all the time. I swear I'm not a bad person...I don't mean to take other people's things. If you are the person I stole this from, please give me a very harsh verbal dressing-down.)

Clearly, the Eclipse set crew has made some changes to Edward's room since Twilight. One being that they seemed to have repainted and replaced the carpet. I can't say that I blame them--blue tinted walls and carpet? Hello? (You have just experienced a bad joke based on the fact that the entire movie Twilight was tinted blue. I didn't really mind the blue tint, I was just trying to be funny. Key word there--trying.) The biggest addition though, is the extra space added to the bookshelf wall to fit that big ass love bed.

I would smile triumphantly at my realty lady as she admits I'm right.

Then the realty lady would sigh in a very over-dramatic, exhasperated way. And that's when I would bring up the door.

The door leading to nowhere. A metaphor, perhaps, by a quirky architect? An obvious child hazard? A way to trick birds into your room? (Who would want to do that??) OR.....a perfect opportunity for Catherine Hardwick to have Edward fling Bella onto his back and climb trees while uttering nonsense about spider monkeys?

The realty lady would probably lean towards the metaphor aspect of the door.

I would just tell her to lean more towards the door. If I pushed her out, she may not notice that big hole in the carpet.



  1. Wow. When I need to buy a house, I'm calling you. For now, I'll stick with the free one I live in. The guy that hanged himself in the garage doesn't even freak me out anymore! Win.

    Door to nowhere totally leads to the sandy place with the sandworms from Beetlejuice.

  2. HAHAHA! I can't wait to get your thoughts on the Cottage of Love in Breaking Dawn.

    Do you think that in 2100, Century 21 will change its name to Century 22? Wouldn't it be funny if there was a real estate company catering to vampires that was called Century 400 A.D.? (No.) Do you think that there will BE a year 2100? Or will the Mayans clone the dinosaurs and they will eat us all?

    If this post were true, I'd be so stoked about smelling your carpet on The Great Road Trip of Fall 2010.

  3. "If this post were true, I'd be so stoked about smelling your carpet on The Great Road Trip of Fall 2010."

    BHAHAHAHAhahaheeheeHAHAHAHhohohohohoHAHAHAHAH......*breathes* *breathes some more* *sucks in big breath* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

    And Fang, the sandy worms from Beetlejuice? I was TERRIFIED of them. They are not allowed anywhere near my carpet.