Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Reason #3 Rob Should Visit Lower Alabama: Have You Ever Eaten a Fried Hot Pocket?

One day back when the little-film-that-could, Twilight, was being promoted, Robert Pattinson expressed his fondness for the Hot Pocket. Today, through the power of the Internet and the hilarious conjectures of our favorite Twilight bloggers, it is now a well known fact that Robert Pattinson's favorite food is Hot Pockets. Because if you read it on the Internet, it must be true.

We know he would prefer to eat Hot Pockets over any other type of cuisine. We know that he saves his Hot Pocket boxes to
make forts. Who knows what kind of kinky Hot Pocket stuff goes on when he and Kristen are alone? (Hot Pocket Wax? Hot stone Pocket massages? "It's My D*** in a Hot Pocket" digital shorts? WHO KNOWS?

Can you read the label? I bet Rob has this tatooed somewhere, with a little tiny Hot Pocket underneath it.

Bottom Line: Rob + Hot Pockets = True Love. We bet that Rob has had his Hot Pockets every-which-way...except one. The best one of all. Which brings us to today's Reason Rob Should Visit Lower Alabama:

WE WILL DEEP FRY HIS HOT POCKETS. (If Rob was reading this, he just fainted. We bet that's the sexiest thing a woman has ever said to him.)

If Rob didn't faint, we will give him a moment for this to sink in. We. Will. Deep Fry. Your. Hot Pockets.

"Oh, the delicious possibilities!"

See, folks in Alabama love their food fried, which is probably the main reason that we're one of the most obese states in the nation. But you can't deny that anything fried tastes so much better. Our grandmother's knew how to get us to eat our vegetables--fry them! In fact, you can deep fry ALL the major food groups:


Fried Chicken, Country Fried Steak, Fried Pork Chops, Fried Ham (fried ham, fried ham, cheese and bolegna and, after the the macaroni, we'll have HOT DOGS, pickles and lettuce, and then we'll have some more fried ham, fried ham...............ok, we're done.)

Also included are Meat Subsitutes: Fried Spam, Corn Dogs, HOT POCKETS (All Fried Meat products go directly to the Southern girl's right love handle)

From the makers of the Vampcicle...The Spamcicle! Deep fried spam on a stick. Yum-o!

Milk and Dairy

Fried Cheese Sticks, Fried Ice Cream (Left love handle)

How do you fry ice cream? It makes no sense.

Fruits and Vegetables

Fried Squash, Zuccini, Okra, Eggplant, mushrooms, French Fries, Fried Apples, Peaches, Fruit Pies (Butt, hips and thighs)

Fried okra is the best! Regular okra not so much.

Grains and Breads

Fried Corn Bread, Fried Corn Nuggets (Right to the stomach. Oh, wait--that's the beer gut. Nevermind.)
You bake regular corn bread. But you can also fry it. It's better fried, obviously.

Fats and Oils

Fried Snickers, Fried Twinkies, Fried Oreos, Fried Elephant Ears, Fried Doughnuts, FRIED COKE, (Creates double, triple, quadruple chins.)

Fried Oreos

Fried Coke, another miracle ignoring the laws of physics.
Fried Snickers.

So you see, we are expert deep fry specialists down here in the South. (Well, WE aren't. When we fry things, like pork chops, we catch them on fire and set off the smoke detector in our college apartment and have to end up taking it off the wall and opening all the doors and windows to get the smoke/smell out. But our grandmomma's are pros.) We've got the Fry Daddy, Rob....all we need is you.
Any other deep fried nightmares we've missed? Let us know what you've had at the county fair!

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