Monday, January 25, 2010

It's that Damned Ol' Rodeo

I am a child of the South. Well, technically I wasn't born in the "South" south (Andee: For real, she talked like a 30-year-old Yankee in a 2nd grader's body), I was born in Florida--and not the redneck part--but I've lived in LA since I was five, so I guess I am a child of the South by the law of you've-lived-there-a-freaking-long-time-stop-trying-to-be-a-poser-and-just-accept-it-YOU'RE-SOUTHERN.

But I digress. I always digress, but Andee says that makes it fun (Andee: Always!). Anyway, even though I live in the South, I really don't care for too many southern things. I don't like tanning beds, I HATE most country music, I don't ride horses, I don't own cowboy boots or Wrangler blue jeans.

But somehow I spent my entire weekend at a rodeo.

No bull.

Ok, so I know how I ended up there. One of mine and Andee's best friends owns a rodeo arena, and they put on a bull riding event that benefited the charity organization that I work for. It was really great of them to donate to us, so I was happy to go. I was just so out of place. The only people who talked to me at my booth were ladies who were asking where the bathroom was. Then the rodeo clown told everybody that I "was going home with him tonight." (Andee: You should have totally taken him up on that offer!)

This is what Andee thinks I should be going home with. I guess it would be worth it if I got balloon animals in the deal.

I can't even watch those sweet little high school boys fall off those bulls and narrowly escape death by cow hoof to the head. I also feel sorry for the bulls. Nobody deserves to have their genitals tied up with rope all in the name of a good time. (If you need to disagree with me, please don't do it in the comments...)

Sooooo...getting back to Twilight and away from bull balls. Since I was missing Rob on the Haiti telethon (Andee: Which I had to watch with the husband. Kinda sucked because I couldn't drool, but loved all the support everyone showed for Haiti!), I thought about him alot while watching the rodeo. I even tweeted that I would love for Rob to be in a cowboy movie (cowboy, not boy-raised-by-Indians a la Unbound Captives), because chaps were freaking sexy. So that got Andee and I to thinking what other kind of Southern movies we would like to see Rob in. We came up with three, and we like to bring you the first edition of "Rob's Remakes," where we take perfectly good movies, put Rob in them, eff them up and make them funny. Or not funny. Whatever.
  • 8 Seconds-- *For Rob's clarification: This is NOT instructions on microwaving Hot Pockets. You have nuked so many in your lifetime, you know it takes longer than that. We have NOT invented a super-fast Hot Pocket microwaving technique.* **Note to Andee from Grey: I have a little project that we need to be working on...** Rob is as a rising star on the pro rodeo circuit, taming wild bulls and winning the affection of a slacker games carney at the county fair. His rise to the top is stalled when he himself falls in love with a rodeo clown, and their forbidden love threatens to destroy everything. (Alternate ending--Rob falls in love with the bull.) Everybody knows that cowboys walk funny from all that ridin' and probably those chaps. Rob has the wonky walk DOWN.

    At least Rob can keep his plaid.

  • Gone With the Wind--Rob stars as Rhett Butler in this modern-day remake of the epic classic. When Rhett first sees Scarlett O'Hara, the town's most famous 16-year-old-pretending-to-be-an-18-year-old stripper, he is immediately infatuated with her. But
    Scarlett has another passion--cooking, specifically with oregano. Throughout a very inopportune vampire war and the devastating legalization of brothels which threatens to put Scarlett's "Show-But-No-Tail" strip joint out of business, Rhett pursues Scarlett, but she can't see anything other than her oregano-based recipes. When she finally realizes that it's Rhett and not oregano she loves, it's too late--Rhett has left her to attend a school for witches and wizards in England. (It's really long because they have to fully develop the vampire war, but it's totally worth it.)

    So I totally made this...

    ....but then remembered that I saw THIS today.

  • Smokey and the Bandit--Rob is Bo Bandit, a legendary truck driver known for makin'
    the fast hauls. A mysterious stranger offers the makers of Hot Pockets $10 million dollars if they can deliver a semi-truck full of Pepperoni Hot Pockets across the United States in four days. Hot Pocket hires Bo to make it happen. Bo's travel across the US is one big high speed chase as Joe Green, the country's largest organic farmer who wants to rid the world of microwaved products, tries to stop him. When Bo finally makes it to his destination, the back of the truck is EMPTY. Bo doesn't get his cut of the $1 million, and the Hot Pocket makers lose their inventory. PLOT TWIST: The movie ends with a shot of Bo pulling up at an abandoned storage unit. He pulls up the door to reveal a unit FULL OF HOT POCKETS. Bo reveals that he was the mysterious stranger all along, and now has a storage unit full of FREE HOT POCKETS.

Smokey is not a flavor of Hot Pocket. It is trucker slang for the police. You cannot eat the police.

This is what happens when I attend rodeos.

Grey out.


P.S. This was in my head the ENTIRE time I wrote this. I don't like country music, but I can handle me some Garth Brooks in small doses. This dose is getting rather large.

Well, it's bulls and blood, it's dust and mud, it's the roar of a Sunday crowd,

it's the white in his knuckles, the gold in the buckle, he'll win the next go-round

it's boots, it's chaps, it's cowboy hats, it's spurs and latigo

it's the ropes and the reins and the joy and the pain and they call the thing RODEO.

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