Our Take on Outtakes

For your Friday afternoon delight, since everyone knows that NOBODY does actual work after lunch on Fridays, please feel free to linger over some of the recently released EW outtakes. Try not to be distracted from Mr. Sexy Britches (Rob's nickname of the day) by the awesomeness of our comments.

With all the drama on late night television, it was only a matter of time before Rob posed as Conan to help draw attention to Team Coco.

This is London's Best Dance Crew Rob, right after his dance crew just totally STOMPED their rival crew in the UK's hottest dance-off. "We are thebomb.com, yo!"

This is Drunk and Stumbly Rob, headed over to hit on you from across the bar. Rob: "Hey, mnames Bob...I mean, Rob. Djuwanna get outta here?" You: "Yes."

This is what Edward would look like ALL THE TIME had Stephenie Meyer decided that her vampires had fangs. So instead of being all hot and brooding, Fangward would look like someone farted.

The sequel to Drunk and Stumbly Rob--The Morning After Rob

Who wants to bet that this part of the EW shoot went like this:

Photographer: Ok guys, those last shots were amazing! Keep having fun with it, we want fun--smile, Kristen!!! Let's get some fun music in here! *opening strains of "What is Love" by Haddaway are heard*

Kristen: *rolls eyes*


Taylor: Aww, awesome!!! Night at the Roxbury!!! Chris Katan is a legend! How sweet is this?!!! *bobs head repeatedly before trapping Kristen between himself and Rob* Me? You? Him? You? Him? Me? Who, me? Him? Me? You?


Rob: *confused*


Kristen: I'm gonna need to take a break before the pelvic thrusting begins.


Rob: *confused*

"Umm....Mr. Pattinson? You have a little....uhhh....Hot Pocket.....in the corner of your mouth. No, other side...."

Is this Rob's O-face? I'll be sure to remember that for future dream reference. You know it is...it's just like that bathos scene in New Moon when Edward grunts at Bella.

Rob doing his best Taylor impression.

Rocky Rob. "Yo, Adrienne!!!" (There is an inside joke there, but we can't tell you what it is. Because then it would be an outside joke.)

Rob remembering that time when Cougar Cathy told him about her dream....that he was in..."I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth."

Zombie Rob doing the Robot. "Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust...eat.....BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS....to Top 40 pop music while doing the only dance move that dorky white guys know how to do"

We grabbed all these from Robsessed. Thanks for the one-stop-shop for all our Robert Pattinson needs!

P.S. Dear Blogger,

Your randomness when it comes to spacing is giving us whiplash. Can you please not be on crack while we're trying to post?

Thanks,

Andee and Grey

Reason #3 Rob Should Visit Lower Alabama: Have You Ever Eaten a Fried Hot Pocket?

One day back when the little-film-that-could, Twilight, was being promoted, Robert Pattinson expressed his fondness for the Hot Pocket. Today, through the power of the Internet and the hilarious conjectures of our favorite Twilight bloggers, it is now a well known fact that Robert Pattinson's favorite food is Hot Pockets. Because if you read it on the Internet, it must be true.



We know he would prefer to eat Hot Pockets over any other type of cuisine. We know that he saves his Hot Pocket boxes to make forts. Who knows what kind of kinky Hot Pocket stuff goes on when he and Kristen are alone? (Hot Pocket Wax? Hot stone Pocket massages? "It's My D*** in a Hot Pocket" digital shorts? WHO KNOWS?

Can you read the label? I bet Rob has this tatooed somewhere, with a little tiny Hot Pocket underneath it.

Bottom Line: Rob + Hot Pockets = True Love. We bet that Rob has had his Hot Pockets every-which-way...except one. The best one of all. Which brings us to today's Reason Rob Should Visit Lower Alabama:

WE WILL DEEP FRY HIS HOT POCKETS. (If Rob was reading this, he just fainted. We bet that's the sexiest thing a woman has ever said to him.)

If Rob didn't faint, we will give him a moment for this to sink in. We. Will. Deep Fry. Your. Hot Pockets.

"Oh, the delicious possibilities!"

See, folks in Alabama love their food fried, which is probably the main reason that we're one of the most obese states in the nation. But you can't deny that anything fried tastes so much better. Our grandmother's knew how to get us to eat our vegetables--fry them! In fact, you can deep fry ALL the major food groups:

Meats

Fried Chicken, Country Fried Steak, Fried Pork Chops, Fried Ham (fried ham, fried ham, cheese and bolegna and, after the the macaroni, we'll have HOT DOGS, pickles and lettuce, and then we'll have some more fried ham, fried ham...............ok, we're done.)

Also included are Meat Subsitutes: Fried Spam, Corn Dogs, HOT POCKETS (All Fried Meat products go directly to the Southern girl's right love handle)

From the makers of the Vampcicle...The Spamcicle! Deep fried spam on a stick. Yum-o!

Milk and Dairy

Fried Cheese Sticks, Fried Ice Cream (Left love handle)

How do you fry ice cream? It makes no sense.

Fruits and Vegetables

Fried Squash, Zuccini, Okra, Eggplant, mushrooms, French Fries, Fried Apples, Peaches, Fruit Pies (Butt, hips and thighs)

Fried okra is the best! Regular okra not so much.

Grains and Breads

Fried Corn Bread, Fried Corn Nuggets (Right to the stomach. Oh, wait--that's the beer gut. Nevermind.)

You bake regular corn bread. But you can also fry it. It's better fried, obviously.

Fats and Oils

Fried Snickers, Fried Twinkies, Fried Oreos, Fried Elephant Ears, Fried Doughnuts, FRIED COKE, (Creates double, triple, quadruple chins.)

Fried Oreos

Fried Coke, another miracle ignoring the laws of physics.

Fried Snickers.

So you see, we are expert deep fry specialists down here in the South. (Well, WE aren't. When we fry things, like pork chops, we catch them on fire and set off the smoke detector in our college apartment and have to end up taking it off the wall and opening all the doors and windows to get the smoke/smell out. But our grandmomma's are pros.) We've got the Fry Daddy, Rob....all we need is you.

Any other deep fried nightmares we've missed? Let us know what you've had at the county fair!

It's that Damned Ol' Rodeo

I am a child of the South. Well, technically I wasn't born in the "South" south (Andee: For real, she talked like a 30-year-old Yankee in a 2nd grader's body), I was born in Florida--and not the redneck part--but I've lived in LA since I was five, so I guess I am a child of the South by the law of you've-lived-there-a-freaking-long-time-stop-trying-to-be-a-poser-and-just-accept-it-YOU'RE-SOUTHERN.

But I digress. I always digress, but Andee says that makes it fun (Andee: Always!). Anyway, even though I live in the South, I really don't care for too many southern things. I don't like tanning beds, I HATE most country music, I don't ride horses, I don't own cowboy boots or Wrangler blue jeans.

But somehow I spent my entire weekend at a rodeo.

No bull.

Ok, so I know how I ended up there. One of mine and Andee's best friends owns a rodeo arena, and they put on a bull riding event that benefited the charity organization that I work for. It was really great of them to donate to us, so I was happy to go. I was just so out of place. The only people who talked to me at my booth were ladies who were asking where the bathroom was. Then the rodeo clown told everybody that I "was going home with him tonight." (Andee: You should have totally taken him up on that offer!)

This is what Andee thinks I should be going home with. I guess it would be worth it if I got balloon animals in the deal.

I can't even watch those sweet little high school boys fall off those bulls and narrowly escape death by cow hoof to the head. I also feel sorry for the bulls. Nobody deserves to have their genitals tied up with rope all in the name of a good time. (If you need to disagree with me, please don't do it in the comments...)

Sooooo...getting back to Twilight and away from bull balls. Since I was missing Rob on the Haiti telethon (Andee: Which I had to watch with the husband. Kinda sucked because I couldn't drool, but loved all the support everyone showed for Haiti!), I thought about him alot while watching the rodeo. I even tweeted that I would love for Rob to be in a cowboy movie (cowboy, not boy-raised-by-Indians a la Unbound Captives), because chaps were freaking sexy. So that got Andee and I to thinking what other kind of Southern movies we would like to see Rob in. We came up with three, and we like to bring you the first edition of "Rob's Remakes," where we take perfectly good movies, put Rob in them, eff them up and make them funny. Or not funny. Whatever.

• 8 Seconds-- *For Rob's clarification: This is NOT instructions on microwaving Hot Pockets. You have nuked so many in your lifetime, you know it takes longer than that. We have NOT invented a super-fast Hot Pocket microwaving technique.* **Note to Andee from Grey: I have a little project that we need to be working on...** Rob is as a rising star on the pro rodeo circuit, taming wild bulls and winning the affection of a slacker games carney at the county fair. His rise to the top is stalled when he himself falls in love with a rodeo clown, and their forbidden love threatens to destroy everything. (Alternate ending--Rob falls in love with the bull.) Everybody knows that cowboys walk funny from all that ridin' and probably those chaps. Rob has the wonky walk DOWN.
  
  
  
  
  
  At least Rob can keep his plaid.
  
  
  
  
• Gone With the Wind--Rob stars as Rhett Butler in this modern-day remake of the epic classic. When Rhett first sees Scarlett O'Hara, the town's most famous 16-year-old-pretending-to-be-an-18-year-old stripper, he is immediately infatuated with her. But
  Scarlett has another passion--cooking, specifically with oregano. Throughout a very inopportune vampire war and the devastating legalization of brothels which threatens to put Scarlett's "Show-But-No-Tail" strip joint out of business, Rhett pursues Scarlett, but she can't see anything other than her oregano-based recipes. When she finally realizes that it's Rhett and not oregano she loves, it's too late--Rhett has left her to attend a school for witches and wizards in England. (It's really long because they have to fully develop the vampire war, but it's totally worth it.)
  
  
  
  So I totally made this...
  
  
  
  
  
  ....but then remembered that I saw THIS today.
  
  
• Smokey and the Bandit--Rob is Bo Bandit, a legendary truck driver known for makin'
  the fast hauls. A mysterious stranger offers the makers of Hot Pockets $10 million dollars if they can deliver a semi-truck full of Pepperoni Hot Pockets across the United States in four days. Hot Pocket hires Bo to make it happen. Bo's travel across the US is one big high speed chase as Joe Green, the country's largest organic farmer who wants to rid the world of microwaved products, tries to stop him. When Bo finally makes it to his destination, the back of the truck is EMPTY. Bo doesn't get his cut of the $1 million, and the Hot Pocket makers lose their inventory. PLOT TWIST: The movie ends with a shot of Bo pulling up at an abandoned storage unit. He pulls up the door to reveal a unit FULL OF HOT POCKETS. Bo reveals that he was the mysterious stranger all along, and now has a storage unit full of FREE HOT POCKETS.

Smokey is not a flavor of Hot Pocket. It is trucker slang for the police. You cannot eat the police.

This is what happens when I attend rodeos.

Grey out.

------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. This was in my head the ENTIRE time I wrote this. I don't like country music, but I can handle me some Garth Brooks in small doses. This dose is getting rather large.

Well, it's bulls and blood, it's dust and mud, it's the roar of a Sunday crowd,

it's the white in his knuckles, the gold in the buckle, he'll win the next go-round

it's boots, it's chaps, it's cowboy hats, it's spurs and latigo

it's the ropes and the reins and the joy and the pain and they call the thing RODEO.

Reason #2 Rob Should Visit Lower Alabama: Charitable Electronic Bingo

*Tonight is the night of George Clooney's star-studded charity telethon for Haiti. Since Rob is involved, it will obviously be a success. Or will it? LTR's Version of Tonight's Telethon . Anyway, in the spirit of "charity" comes today's post. Prayers to Haiti and good luck with the telethon, Rob! I can't watch it, and I will explain why not on Monday--Grey*

Is Rob a betting man? We're not totally sure. Of course, he IS currently dating Kristin “Sure Thing” Stewart*, so maybe he’s not into taking risks. On the other hand, he had to know that the odds of being able to handle her mullet were 50-50, and he took that action anyway, so maybe he is. If that is the case, then Rob The Gambler would have a great time in Lower Alabama, partaking in our famous Charitable Electronic Bingo.

Just like Las Vegas. Except not.

A little bit of background:

Charitable Electronic Bingo (or as the blue-haired old ladies down here lovingly pronounce it, “bang-o”) is a big issue down in the Wiregrass at the moment. See, gambling is sometimes illegal/sometimes legal in Alabama (you have to check daily to know for sure, it is very ambiguous), but bingo for charity is ok.

Now, by bingo for charity, we think what the Alabama government means is like what they do down at the Shriners Hall—smoky, crowded rooms, with older ladies sitting elbow to elbow, 12 to 24 bingo cards laid out in front of each lady, purple bingo marker firmly gripped in the right hand, teal bingo marker in the left hand (you can daub twice as fast that way!), cigarette dangling from ruby red lips. All eyes glued to the monitor, watching for the next ball to pop out, hoping—nay, PRAYING—that it is B 14, the one square needed to achieve the elusive diamond shaped B-I-N-G-O. Ahh, sweet, sweet victory for those ruby-lipped, double-daubing ladies. And for the Shriners Hospital, who gets all the proceeds from the event.

One of my favorite Roseanne episodes of all time--when Roseanne gets addicted to bingo. Double-dauber style.

I’m betting that Rob would fit right in at the Shriners Hall. I can see him now, with his one bingo card (maybe two, if he’s hasn't had too much to drink already), bingo marker in right hand, Hot Pocket in left hand (they have a microwave in the back), cigarette dangling from perfectly kissable lips that suddenly declare “BINGO!” because he just won the first round with ball N 41 and is declared Bingo King for the rest of the night. (That means every time N 41 is called out, one of the bingo bosses shouts out “Pay the King!” or something like that, and the King gets $50! So it pays to be the Bingo King.)

I just wanted to post this incredibly hot new picture of Rob. I don't know how I'm going to make it relate to bingo. Oh wait, I just typed bingo. So now it relates.

And even though everyone in the entire building looks right at him and grumbles “Got damn” (correct spelling—that is how it sounds when old southern people say GD) every time someone yells “Pay the King!”, no one would have any idea who the hell you were. Because they’ve probably never seen Twilight, or Harry Potter, or Little Ashes. (I can almost guarantee you they’ve never seen Little Ashes.) You’ll just be the Thursday Night Bingo King to them. I know you wouldn’t mind the anonymity.

And Dali was his name-o.

But we were talking about Charitable Electronic Bingo, right? Sorry. Well, CEB is nothing like Shriners Bingo. It’s more like slots, apparently. You just press a button, and your bingo card on the screen fills up electronically. If you have 5 in a row, you win! There’s this brand new, huge bingo pavilion that just opened up down here, and boy howdy, it’s hopping all the time. People are lined up to play the slots, I mean, bingo, and to mix and mingle with country music’s finest—George Jones, Lorrie Morgan, etc. Oh, that's because it’s a COUNTRY themed bingo pavilion. Open 24 hours a day, seven days a week to cater to Lower Alabama’s finest compulsive gamblers and folks just out for a good time.

So if Rob comes down on a Thursday, we can take him to the Shriners Hall for some traditional “bang-o”. We’ll stay there until they kick us out (which is 10pm, by the way) and then we’ll head down 231 South to the all night electronic bingo pavilion, turn $20 into $43.50, get sloshed on Sutter Home served chilled in a plastic cup, and JAM OUT to Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler” all night long. “You gotta know when to hold ‘em…know when to fold ‘em…”


*We don't know if KStew's nickname is really "Sure Thing." We are not privy to whether or not she puts out. We just thought it was funny.

UPDATE: In the 10 seconds between finishing this blog post and checking out Twitter, Rob must have read this. He totally has his Electronic Bingo look nailed.