"Hey, doc, I'm going out to get lit after this, so I probably don't need the gas...what the hell, give it to me anyway." (LOVE the goofy dentist visit kid--is this real life? Unfortunatly yes, David.)
As someone who has spent many a night hanging in the TGI Friday’s parking lot because the conversation between friends is so awesome that you don’t want the night to end, we feel his pain. Rob can’t do that. He can’t hang out in the TGI Friday’s parking lot, hoping the buzz will wear off before he has to drive home, laughing with his buddies while leaning up against some stranger’s car door. It’s awkward enough when the dude who owns the car gives you the evil eye for touching his Altima…imagine if the paps were there blocking traffic and causing mayhem. Other customers would get fed up and walk across the parking lot to Olive Garden. (Umm, down here in Lower Alabama, our restaurants are almost always located next to other restaurants. Because after you polish off Tuscan Spinach Dip, followed by Sizzling Parmesan Cheese Pizza, with Vanilla Bean Cheesecake for desert, what are you really in the mood for? Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks, duh.)
"How did the paps know I was at TGI Fridays?"
So Rob should totally come down here to the Wiregrass Area, because we have NO PAPARAZZI. None. And why should we? Do you even know where we are? Have you ever heard of Dothan, Headland, Andalusia, Ozark, Enterprise, or Geneva, Alabama? We didn’t think so. Why would any paparazzi want to come here? We have nothing of entertainment value, except for Bama Jam, a three-day country music festival. We could absolutely promise Rob that if he chose to spend a week or two in one of the aforementioned towns, he would not be bothered.
The only map I could find showing the Wiregrass Area, and they highlight it with what apprears to be a smudge of dirt. Sooooo fitting.
1. Wal-Mart—because everyone, EVERYONE goes to Wal-Mart, and chances are someone will recognize Rob standing in the frozen food aisle, face firmly planted to the glass door behind which are EVERY TYPE OF HOT POCKET IMAGINABLE. He would be a sitting duck, and there are a lot of duck hunters in Lower Alabama, my friend. Also, have you ever checked out People of Wal-Mart? Well, since this is the south, the possibility of snagging a picture worthy of gracing this website are HIGH. So people are walking around with their camera phones out. Just sayin.
A picture that Andee actually took at her Wal-Mart.
2. Sam’s Club—there may not be people with camera phones at the ready here, but they do have Hot Pockets...in bulk. So the same sitting duck situation applies to Sam’s Club. And not only would they have a chance to find Rob in the frozen food section, but he would be extremely vulnerable trying to push three flat-bed carts of Pepperoni Hot Pockets through the parking lot to his rental car.
Dear Chick-fil-a: Don't sue us. We have nothing to give you...except ourselves, which is nothing to get excited about. Just laugh about it, ask us to take it down, and we will.
4. Wiregrass Commons Mall—there is only one Hot Topic in the Wiregrass area, and it is located here. There is also a Chick-fil-a in the food court. Oh, and IT IS A FREAKING MALL. Full of teenagers and women. Three strikes, you’re out.