Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Reason #1 Why Rob Pattinson Should Visit Lower Alabama: Where the Hell Are We, Anyway?

(Note: This is an ongoing series of blog posts about why Rob Pattinson, or any Twilight cast memeber for that matter, should visit us down in Lower Alabama. Yes, we know that no one is interested in visiting us, but we thought that maybe if we pestered gave Rob enough reasons, he might come.)

Rob is having a hard time right now. Every move he makes is documented by swarming hordes of paparazzi. We know that becoming an actor in this day and age means you run the risk of becoming the Next Big Thing, and that technically, he signed up for this. But it’s still hard for us to watch him have to run from a restaurant/airport/bar/dentist appointment straight to his waiting car. (Oh wait, he went to the bar AFTER his dentist appointment. Sorry.)

"Hey, doc, I'm going out to get lit after this, so I probably don't need the gas...what the hell, give it to me anyway." (LOVE the goofy dentist visit kid--is this real life? Unfortunatly yes, David.)

As someone who has spent many a night hanging in the TGI Friday’s parking lot because the conversation between friends is so awesome that you don’t want the night to end, we feel his pain. Rob can’t do that. He can’t hang out in the TGI Friday’s parking lot, hoping the buzz will wear off before he has to drive home, laughing with his buddies while leaning up against some stranger’s car door. It’s awkward enough when the dude who owns the car gives you the evil eye for touching his Altima…imagine if the paps were there blocking traffic and causing mayhem. Other customers would get fed up and walk across the parking lot to Olive Garden. (Umm, down here in Lower Alabama, our restaurants are almost always located next to other restaurants. Because after you polish off Tuscan Spinach Dip, followed by Sizzling Parmesan Cheese Pizza, with Vanilla Bean Cheesecake for desert, what are you really in the mood for? Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks, duh.)

"How did the paps know I was at TGI Fridays?"

So Rob should totally come down here to the Wiregrass Area, because we have NO PAPARAZZI. None. And why should we? Do you even know where we are? Have you ever heard of Dothan, Headland, Andalusia, Ozark, Enterprise, or Geneva, Alabama? We didn’t think so. Why would any paparazzi want to come here? We have nothing of entertainment value, except for Bama Jam, a three-day country music festival. We could absolutely promise Rob that if he chose to spend a week or two in one of the aforementioned towns, he would not be bothered.

The only map I could find showing the Wiregrass Area, and they highlight it with what apprears to be a smudge of dirt. Sooooo fitting.

However, there are a few places Rob would need to stay away from, and we will now list them for his convenience. Cause we all know that he’s Googled himself and wound up here. It’s inevitable. *E-mail us when you finally do peruse this page, Rob, and we’ll set up the travel arrangements.*

1. Wal-Mart—because everyone, EVERYONE goes to Wal-Mart, and chances are someone will recognize Rob standing in the frozen food aisle, face firmly planted to the glass door behind which are EVERY TYPE OF HOT POCKET IMAGINABLE. He would be a sitting duck, and there are a lot of duck hunters in Lower Alabama, my friend. Also, have you ever checked out People of Wal-Mart? Well, since this is the south, the possibility of snagging a picture worthy of gracing this website are HIGH. So people are walking around with their camera phones out. Just sayin.

A picture that Andee actually took at her Wal-Mart.

2. Sam’s Club—there may not be people with camera phones at the ready here, but they do have Hot bulk. So the same sitting duck situation applies to Sam’s Club. And not only would they have a chance to find Rob in the frozen food section, but he would be extremely vulnerable trying to push three flat-bed carts of Pepperoni Hot Pockets through the parking lot to his rental car.

3. Chick-fil-A—We're really sorry about this one, because we love waffle fries. We bet Rob does too. But the majority of people who frequent Chick-fil-a, at least when we're paying attention to these things—are teenagers and women. Now, of all the different demographics in this crazy world, which ones are most likely to recognize Rob? That’s right. (We're not saying that real manly men don’t eat at Chick-fil-a, cause Grey's fiancĂ© luvs him some nuggets, but it just seems like the only people who are in line with us are teenagers and women.)

Dear Chick-fil-a: Don't sue us. We have nothing to give you...except ourselves, which is nothing to get excited about. Just laugh about it, ask us to take it down, and we will.

4. Wiregrass Commons Mall—there is only one Hot Topic in the Wiregrass area, and it is located here. There is also a Chick-fil-a in the food court. Oh, and IT IS A FREAKING MALL. Full of teenagers and women. Three strikes, you’re out.

So Rob, just let us know. We'll make all the Hot Pocket runs to Wal-Mart for you.


  1. Rob should totally come to Lower Alabama! No paps and thrift shops galore! And if he should happen to need a place to stay, I'm sure I could help him out with that...purely out of the kindness of my heart, of course.

  2. There are so many places I could take him...besides the thrift stores, I bet Rob would LOVE yard sales. You can get that much thriftier than that! He could get something nice for himself, and a lil something for Stewie, too!

  3. So I had this whole long comment typed out and Blogger ate it. I guess it was hungry.

    Anywho, the bullet points:

    1. I know where those towns are. Do I get extra credit?

    2. Rob should visit the South because there's lots of places to hide. Like my parents 50-acre farm in TN that is almost impossible to find. Even with GPS.

    3. I've never understood why the restaurants in the South are all next door to each other. But it makes a handy topic of conversation for when Rob visits.

  4. Yes, pangewritesstuff, you win a trip to the World's Smallest City Block, located in beautiful Downtown Dothan, Alabama! No expenses are paid, travel arrangements are not provided, but if you are ever in Dothan, e-mail one of us and we'll give you the tour! It won't be long, I promise!

  5. Yay! I win! Let me know when Rob's going to be there and I'll collect that weekend, mkay? =))

  6. Ok, but you two will have to take turns touring the World's Smallest City Block. Only one person can fit at a time...

  7. I flove this. And I don't flove a lot of stuff. The only other thing I've floved today is being called a hardcore pornstar. That was nice. Oh. And I floved scruffy Alex yesterday. I only flove awesome things. Be thankful.

    Lower AL sounds like my neck of the woods 'cept the nearest Sams & Chick-fil-a are 45 minutes away.

    Great bloggy. :)

  8. This is beyond amazing. Beyond. DOTHAN!!!! And your chik-fil-a photoshop job = perfection. le sigh. :)

  9. I know, right? The Wiregrass needs all the love it can get!