Reason #3 Rob Should Visit Lower Alabama: Have You Ever Eaten a Fried Hot Pocket?

One day back when the little-film-that-could, Twilight, was being promoted, Robert Pattinson expressed his fondness for the Hot Pocket. Today, through the power of the Internet and the hilarious conjectures of our favorite Twilight bloggers, it is now a well known fact that Robert Pattinson's favorite food is Hot Pockets. Because if you read it on the Internet, it must be true.



We know he would prefer to eat Hot Pockets over any other type of cuisine. We know that he saves his Hot Pocket boxes to make forts. Who knows what kind of kinky Hot Pocket stuff goes on when he and Kristen are alone? (Hot Pocket Wax? Hot stone Pocket massages? "It's My D*** in a Hot Pocket" digital shorts? WHO KNOWS?

Can you read the label? I bet Rob has this tatooed somewhere, with a little tiny Hot Pocket underneath it.

Bottom Line: Rob + Hot Pockets = True Love. We bet that Rob has had his Hot Pockets every-which-way...except one. The best one of all. Which brings us to today's Reason Rob Should Visit Lower Alabama:

WE WILL DEEP FRY HIS HOT POCKETS. (If Rob was reading this, he just fainted. We bet that's the sexiest thing a woman has ever said to him.)

If Rob didn't faint, we will give him a moment for this to sink in. We. Will. Deep Fry. Your. Hot Pockets.

"Oh, the delicious possibilities!"

See, folks in Alabama love their food fried, which is probably the main reason that we're one of the most obese states in the nation. But you can't deny that anything fried tastes so much better. Our grandmother's knew how to get us to eat our vegetables--fry them! In fact, you can deep fry ALL the major food groups:

Meats

Fried Chicken, Country Fried Steak, Fried Pork Chops, Fried Ham (fried ham, fried ham, cheese and bolegna and, after the the macaroni, we'll have HOT DOGS, pickles and lettuce, and then we'll have some more fried ham, fried ham...............ok, we're done.)

Also included are Meat Subsitutes: Fried Spam, Corn Dogs, HOT POCKETS (All Fried Meat products go directly to the Southern girl's right love handle)

From the makers of the Vampcicle...The Spamcicle! Deep fried spam on a stick. Yum-o!

Milk and Dairy

Fried Cheese Sticks, Fried Ice Cream (Left love handle)

How do you fry ice cream? It makes no sense.

Fruits and Vegetables

Fried Squash, Zuccini, Okra, Eggplant, mushrooms, French Fries, Fried Apples, Peaches, Fruit Pies (Butt, hips and thighs)

Fried okra is the best! Regular okra not so much.

Grains and Breads

Fried Corn Bread, Fried Corn Nuggets (Right to the stomach. Oh, wait--that's the beer gut. Nevermind.)

You bake regular corn bread. But you can also fry it. It's better fried, obviously.

Fats and Oils

Fried Snickers, Fried Twinkies, Fried Oreos, Fried Elephant Ears, Fried Doughnuts, FRIED COKE, (Creates double, triple, quadruple chins.)

Fried Oreos

Fried Coke, another miracle ignoring the laws of physics.

Fried Snickers.

So you see, we are expert deep fry specialists down here in the South. (Well, WE aren't. When we fry things, like pork chops, we catch them on fire and set off the smoke detector in our college apartment and have to end up taking it off the wall and opening all the doors and windows to get the smoke/smell out. But our grandmomma's are pros.) We've got the Fry Daddy, Rob....all we need is you.

Any other deep fried nightmares we've missed? Let us know what you've had at the county fair!

Reason #2 Rob Should Visit Lower Alabama: Charitable Electronic Bingo

*Tonight is the night of George Clooney's star-studded charity telethon for Haiti. Since Rob is involved, it will obviously be a success. Or will it? LTR's Version of Tonight's Telethon . Anyway, in the spirit of "charity" comes today's post. Prayers to Haiti and good luck with the telethon, Rob! I can't watch it, and I will explain why not on Monday--Grey*

Is Rob a betting man? We're not totally sure. Of course, he IS currently dating Kristin “Sure Thing” Stewart*, so maybe he’s not into taking risks. On the other hand, he had to know that the odds of being able to handle her mullet were 50-50, and he took that action anyway, so maybe he is. If that is the case, then Rob The Gambler would have a great time in Lower Alabama, partaking in our famous Charitable Electronic Bingo.

Just like Las Vegas. Except not.

A little bit of background:

Charitable Electronic Bingo (or as the blue-haired old ladies down here lovingly pronounce it, “bang-o”) is a big issue down in the Wiregrass at the moment. See, gambling is sometimes illegal/sometimes legal in Alabama (you have to check daily to know for sure, it is very ambiguous), but bingo for charity is ok.

Now, by bingo for charity, we think what the Alabama government means is like what they do down at the Shriners Hall—smoky, crowded rooms, with older ladies sitting elbow to elbow, 12 to 24 bingo cards laid out in front of each lady, purple bingo marker firmly gripped in the right hand, teal bingo marker in the left hand (you can daub twice as fast that way!), cigarette dangling from ruby red lips. All eyes glued to the monitor, watching for the next ball to pop out, hoping—nay, PRAYING—that it is B 14, the one square needed to achieve the elusive diamond shaped B-I-N-G-O. Ahh, sweet, sweet victory for those ruby-lipped, double-daubing ladies. And for the Shriners Hospital, who gets all the proceeds from the event.

One of my favorite Roseanne episodes of all time--when Roseanne gets addicted to bingo. Double-dauber style.

I’m betting that Rob would fit right in at the Shriners Hall. I can see him now, with his one bingo card (maybe two, if he’s hasn't had too much to drink already), bingo marker in right hand, Hot Pocket in left hand (they have a microwave in the back), cigarette dangling from perfectly kissable lips that suddenly declare “BINGO!” because he just won the first round with ball N 41 and is declared Bingo King for the rest of the night. (That means every time N 41 is called out, one of the bingo bosses shouts out “Pay the King!” or something like that, and the King gets $50! So it pays to be the Bingo King.)

I just wanted to post this incredibly hot new picture of Rob. I don't know how I'm going to make it relate to bingo. Oh wait, I just typed bingo. So now it relates.

And even though everyone in the entire building looks right at him and grumbles “Got damn” (correct spelling—that is how it sounds when old southern people say GD) every time someone yells “Pay the King!”, no one would have any idea who the hell you were. Because they’ve probably never seen Twilight, or Harry Potter, or Little Ashes. (I can almost guarantee you they’ve never seen Little Ashes.) You’ll just be the Thursday Night Bingo King to them. I know you wouldn’t mind the anonymity.

And Dali was his name-o.

But we were talking about Charitable Electronic Bingo, right? Sorry. Well, CEB is nothing like Shriners Bingo. It’s more like slots, apparently. You just press a button, and your bingo card on the screen fills up electronically. If you have 5 in a row, you win! There’s this brand new, huge bingo pavilion that just opened up down here, and boy howdy, it’s hopping all the time. People are lined up to play the slots, I mean, bingo, and to mix and mingle with country music’s finest—George Jones, Lorrie Morgan, etc. Oh, that's because it’s a COUNTRY themed bingo pavilion. Open 24 hours a day, seven days a week to cater to Lower Alabama’s finest compulsive gamblers and folks just out for a good time.

So if Rob comes down on a Thursday, we can take him to the Shriners Hall for some traditional “bang-o”. We’ll stay there until they kick us out (which is 10pm, by the way) and then we’ll head down 231 South to the all night electronic bingo pavilion, turn $20 into $43.50, get sloshed on Sutter Home served chilled in a plastic cup, and JAM OUT to Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler” all night long. “You gotta know when to hold ‘em…know when to fold ‘em…”


*We don't know if KStew's nickname is really "Sure Thing." We are not privy to whether or not she puts out. We just thought it was funny.

UPDATE: In the 10 seconds between finishing this blog post and checking out Twitter, Rob must have read this. He totally has his Electronic Bingo look nailed.

Reason #1 Why Rob Pattinson Should Visit Lower Alabama: Where the Hell Are We, Anyway?

(Note: This is an ongoing series of blog posts about why Rob Pattinson, or any Twilight cast memeber for that matter, should visit us down in Lower Alabama. Yes, we know that no one is interested in visiting us, but we thought that maybe if we pestered gave Rob enough reasons, he might come.)

Rob is having a hard time right now. Every move he makes is documented by swarming hordes of paparazzi. We know that becoming an actor in this day and age means you run the risk of becoming the Next Big Thing, and that technically, he signed up for this. But it’s still hard for us to watch him have to run from a restaurant/airport/bar/dentist appointment straight to his waiting car. (Oh wait, he went to the bar AFTER his dentist appointment. Sorry.)

"Hey, doc, I'm going out to get lit after this, so I probably don't need the gas...what the hell, give it to me anyway." (LOVE the goofy dentist visit kid--is this real life? Unfortunatly yes, David.)

As someone who has spent many a night hanging in the TGI Friday’s parking lot because the conversation between friends is so awesome that you don’t want the night to end, we feel his pain. Rob can’t do that. He can’t hang out in the TGI Friday’s parking lot, hoping the buzz will wear off before he has to drive home, laughing with his buddies while leaning up against some stranger’s car door. It’s awkward enough when the dude who owns the car gives you the evil eye for touching his Altima…imagine if the paps were there blocking traffic and causing mayhem. Other customers would get fed up and walk across the parking lot to Olive Garden. (Umm, down here in Lower Alabama, our restaurants are almost always located next to other restaurants. Because after you polish off Tuscan Spinach Dip, followed by Sizzling Parmesan Cheese Pizza, with Vanilla Bean Cheesecake for desert, what are you really in the mood for? Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks, duh.)

"How did the paps know I was at TGI Fridays?"

So Rob should totally come down here to the Wiregrass Area, because we have NO PAPARAZZI. None. And why should we? Do you even know where we are? Have you ever heard of Dothan, Headland, Andalusia, Ozark, Enterprise, or Geneva, Alabama? We didn’t think so. Why would any paparazzi want to come here? We have nothing of entertainment value, except for Bama Jam, a three-day country music festival. We could absolutely promise Rob that if he chose to spend a week or two in one of the aforementioned towns, he would not be bothered.

The only map I could find showing the Wiregrass Area, and they highlight it with what apprears to be a smudge of dirt. Sooooo fitting.

However, there are a few places Rob would need to stay away from, and we will now list them for his convenience. Cause we all know that he’s Googled himself and wound up here. It’s inevitable. *E-mail us when you finally do peruse this page, Rob, and we’ll set up the travel arrangements.*

1. Wal-Mart—because everyone, EVERYONE goes to Wal-Mart, and chances are someone will recognize Rob standing in the frozen food aisle, face firmly planted to the glass door behind which are EVERY TYPE OF HOT POCKET IMAGINABLE. He would be a sitting duck, and there are a lot of duck hunters in Lower Alabama, my friend. Also, have you ever checked out People of Wal-Mart? Well, since this is the south, the possibility of snagging a picture worthy of gracing this website are HIGH. So people are walking around with their camera phones out. Just sayin.

A picture that Andee actually took at her Wal-Mart.

2. Sam’s Club—there may not be people with camera phones at the ready here, but they do have Hot Pockets...in bulk. So the same sitting duck situation applies to Sam’s Club. And not only would they have a chance to find Rob in the frozen food section, but he would be extremely vulnerable trying to push three flat-bed carts of Pepperoni Hot Pockets through the parking lot to his rental car.

3. Chick-fil-A—We're really sorry about this one, because we love waffle fries. We bet Rob does too. But the majority of people who frequent Chick-fil-a, at least when we're paying attention to these things—are teenagers and women. Now, of all the different demographics in this crazy world, which ones are most likely to recognize Rob? That’s right. (We're not saying that real manly men don’t eat at Chick-fil-a, cause Grey's fiancé luvs him some nuggets, but it just seems like the only people who are in line with us are teenagers and women.)

Dear Chick-fil-a: Don't sue us. We have nothing to give you...except ourselves, which is nothing to get excited about. Just laugh about it, ask us to take it down, and we will.

4. Wiregrass Commons Mall—there is only one Hot Topic in the Wiregrass area, and it is located here. There is also a Chick-fil-a in the food court. Oh, and IT IS A FREAKING MALL. Full of teenagers and women. Three strikes, you’re out.

So Rob, just let us know. We'll make all the Hot Pocket runs to Wal-Mart for you.