RobFest: Headed to a Wal-Mart Near You.

Everyone in the Twi-world has been talking about Sundance for the past few days. Yes, we know that the Sundance Film Festival is "the premier showcase for new work from American and international independent filmmakers." (Quote lifted from Wikipedia, the source of all knowledge in the known universe.)

Our very own Kristen Stewart had two films in the festival, Welcome to the Riley's and The Runaways. Now, we didn't really like Kristen Stewart when we first "met" her, but ever since she dropped that popcorn at the VMAs on national television and then went on to say, "I was just about as awkward as you thought I'd be," we loved the Stew. There is a pretty intense debate raging over at LTT regarding KStew--there have been over 400 comments. People are pretty outspoken when it comes to Stew Hate and Stew Love.

For the record, we are all about Stew Love here at WTFy'all.

But this post is not about the Stew. This post is about Stewdan...we mean, Sundance. Oh, our bad.....actually, it's not. But it's all related. *Sigh* You'll see.

There is nothing like Sundance or Cannes or anything remotely like that down here in the Wiregrass. Maybe we're stretching the truth a bit, we guess. We do have a film festival: the Johnny Mack Brown Western Festival, held every year at Landmark Park, a place where you can experience history on an 1890's living history farm, complete with an old farmhouse, smokehouse, cane mill, syrup shed, and sheep, mules, cows, chickens, goats and pigs. Drift back in time in a Victorian gazebo, a one-room schoolhouse, a drugstore and soda fountain, a country store or a turn-of-the-century church.

Wow, those kids are so happy to be running around OLD BUILDINGS.

We can't make this stuff up, people.

Anyway, back to our only film festival. Johnny Mack Brown, a Dothan native, was one of Hollywood's most famous B-movie Western stars from the 20's until the 50's. J-Mack (that's what we're going to call him) was in over 160 movies! Yes, Hollywood cranked those puppies out overnight, but still...he's Dothan's only movie star.

Hot stuff.

So each year the Johnny Mack Brown Western Festival is held at Landmark Park (we don't really know how because we didn't realize that 1890's farms had electricity...) and is sponsored by Yellawood.

Do you know what Yellawood is? It's wood...that has a yellow tag on it.

Well, duh.

This is the dude that wants you to buy Yellawood. He is the Yella Fella, and he is the owner of the company. You can watch episodes of the Adventures of YellaFella at http://www.yellafella.com/. WE CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP, PEOPLE. We are not that good.

We think that the Johnny Mack Brown Western Festival sponsored by Yellawood is a good start for introducing the beauty and power of B-movies that got shot in one day important films to the Wiregrass. But as HardCore Twilight Fans, we would much rather see a festival that celebrates Robert Pattinson. We would call it RobFest. It would showcase Rob's finest films, including the cut scene from Vanity Fair, that Lord of the Rings (but with MULLETS!) rip-off Ring of the Nibelungs, the we-can't-understand-this-thriller-because-it's-British The Haunted Airman, and of course, the now-on-sale Little Ashes. Opening and closing films? Twilight and New Moon, of course.

Dude, we have GOT to see this movie.

We're actually going to need electricity to show these, so Landmark Park isn't an option. We're thinking we can project them on to the side of one of the Wal-Marts, and people can just park in the parking lot to watch. Just like a drive in. With the world's largest concession stand.

Reason #1 Why Rob Pattinson Should Visit Lower Alabama: Where the Hell Are We, Anyway?

(Note: This is an ongoing series of blog posts about why Rob Pattinson, or any Twilight cast memeber for that matter, should visit us down in Lower Alabama. Yes, we know that no one is interested in visiting us, but we thought that maybe if we pestered gave Rob enough reasons, he might come.)

Rob is having a hard time right now. Every move he makes is documented by swarming hordes of paparazzi. We know that becoming an actor in this day and age means you run the risk of becoming the Next Big Thing, and that technically, he signed up for this. But it’s still hard for us to watch him have to run from a restaurant/airport/bar/dentist appointment straight to his waiting car. (Oh wait, he went to the bar AFTER his dentist appointment. Sorry.)

"Hey, doc, I'm going out to get lit after this, so I probably don't need the gas...what the hell, give it to me anyway." (LOVE the goofy dentist visit kid--is this real life? Unfortunatly yes, David.)

As someone who has spent many a night hanging in the TGI Friday’s parking lot because the conversation between friends is so awesome that you don’t want the night to end, we feel his pain. Rob can’t do that. He can’t hang out in the TGI Friday’s parking lot, hoping the buzz will wear off before he has to drive home, laughing with his buddies while leaning up against some stranger’s car door. It’s awkward enough when the dude who owns the car gives you the evil eye for touching his Altima…imagine if the paps were there blocking traffic and causing mayhem. Other customers would get fed up and walk across the parking lot to Olive Garden. (Umm, down here in Lower Alabama, our restaurants are almost always located next to other restaurants. Because after you polish off Tuscan Spinach Dip, followed by Sizzling Parmesan Cheese Pizza, with Vanilla Bean Cheesecake for desert, what are you really in the mood for? Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks, duh.)

"How did the paps know I was at TGI Fridays?"

So Rob should totally come down here to the Wiregrass Area, because we have NO PAPARAZZI. None. And why should we? Do you even know where we are? Have you ever heard of Dothan, Headland, Andalusia, Ozark, Enterprise, or Geneva, Alabama? We didn’t think so. Why would any paparazzi want to come here? We have nothing of entertainment value, except for Bama Jam, a three-day country music festival. We could absolutely promise Rob that if he chose to spend a week or two in one of the aforementioned towns, he would not be bothered.

The only map I could find showing the Wiregrass Area, and they highlight it with what apprears to be a smudge of dirt. Sooooo fitting.

However, there are a few places Rob would need to stay away from, and we will now list them for his convenience. Cause we all know that he’s Googled himself and wound up here. It’s inevitable. *E-mail us when you finally do peruse this page, Rob, and we’ll set up the travel arrangements.*

1. Wal-Mart—because everyone, EVERYONE goes to Wal-Mart, and chances are someone will recognize Rob standing in the frozen food aisle, face firmly planted to the glass door behind which are EVERY TYPE OF HOT POCKET IMAGINABLE. He would be a sitting duck, and there are a lot of duck hunters in Lower Alabama, my friend. Also, have you ever checked out People of Wal-Mart? Well, since this is the south, the possibility of snagging a picture worthy of gracing this website are HIGH. So people are walking around with their camera phones out. Just sayin.

A picture that Andee actually took at her Wal-Mart.

2. Sam’s Club—there may not be people with camera phones at the ready here, but they do have Hot Pockets...in bulk. So the same sitting duck situation applies to Sam’s Club. And not only would they have a chance to find Rob in the frozen food section, but he would be extremely vulnerable trying to push three flat-bed carts of Pepperoni Hot Pockets through the parking lot to his rental car.

3. Chick-fil-A—We're really sorry about this one, because we love waffle fries. We bet Rob does too. But the majority of people who frequent Chick-fil-a, at least when we're paying attention to these things—are teenagers and women. Now, of all the different demographics in this crazy world, which ones are most likely to recognize Rob? That’s right. (We're not saying that real manly men don’t eat at Chick-fil-a, cause Grey's fiancé luvs him some nuggets, but it just seems like the only people who are in line with us are teenagers and women.)

Dear Chick-fil-a: Don't sue us. We have nothing to give you...except ourselves, which is nothing to get excited about. Just laugh about it, ask us to take it down, and we will.

4. Wiregrass Commons Mall—there is only one Hot Topic in the Wiregrass area, and it is located here. There is also a Chick-fil-a in the food court. Oh, and IT IS A FREAKING MALL. Full of teenagers and women. Three strikes, you’re out.

So Rob, just let us know. We'll make all the Hot Pocket runs to Wal-Mart for you.