Thursday, July 22, 2010

Why Mixing Twilight With Work Is Usually Never Good.

Yesterday, the non-profit that I work for had a training session for our volunteers. This group was mostly middle-aged wome and as we were waiting to get started, a few of them began to talk about the books they were reading. Suddenly, my razor-sharp super-Twilight receptive ears heard one of the ladies say, "I want to read that Breaking Dawn book next. You know, that Twilight book."

It took all I had not to run across the room, jump on the table, whip out my car keys, shake my New Moon Edward keychain (a 25th birthday present from Andee!) vigorously in her face and scream, "DO YOU LOVE EDWARD, TOO??????!!!?"

Instead I walked calmly and slowly past my co-workers (who were asking "Oh, are you into that, too?" while looking pointedly at me) so that I could get closer to the conversation. If I was closer, I would be better able to hear whether the woman was Team Edward or Team Jacob--and consequently know if I needed to either reward her with candy or steal her car keys and flush them down the toilet.

This lady was not a "fan". While explaining the Twilight books to the lady next to her (Explaining?!? You mean she doesn't already KNOW??! Where did we dig up these volunteers?) I heard nothing about how freaking hot Robert Pattinson was, nothing about how you could wash your guest room towels on Taylor Lautner's abs, NOTHING about the newly red/blonde-headed Kristen Stewart. Sure, she admitted that when she first picked up Twilight she didn't have very high expectations but then was immediatly enthralled, but if that was the case, why hadn't she read Breaking Dawn already? Why was she even at the training session when she could have been at home right then reading about Bella's Bloodshakes or Jacob eating steak out of Rosalie's modified dog dish? Why wasn't she at least reading BD under the table???

Then she started talking about how she was always looking for new books to read, and so I took my opportunity to walk up and ask if she had seen any of the Twilight movies. She said no, y'all. So I kicked her.

No, actually I told her that if she did see the movies and she liked Robert Pattinson that he was currently filming a movie called Water for Elephants and that the book it was based on was really good (and it is). When I repeated the name so that she could write it down, I saw two other women hastily scribble it down, too. I thought, "Uh-huh....closet Robert Pattinson fans." I felt extremely proud for not only recommending a damn good book to someone, but also maybe helping a few more people go see Rob's Water for Elephants when it comes out. I patted myself on the back and we began our training session.

It wasn't until this morning that I realized that I had recommended a book that describes Rob's character Jacob walking in on a midget masterbating to a 1930's dirty comic book to a volunteer for a charitable organization. One of the descriptive words was "purple", y'all and I recommended it to a perfectly nice middle-aged volunteer, who, if she ever picks up Water for Elephants and gets to the midget masterbating scene, will probably immediately think of me.

Why do these things always happen to me?



  1. Daaaaaaaaaang. After reading your glowing recommendation, I was going to comment that I just HAD to read Water for Elephants now. However. Now that you have FINISHED with the coup de grace, a MASTURBATING MIDGET, I feel that comment would make me seem super skeevy.

    Also, my Would-be Debutante RL Twi Kindred Spirit just started following you guys on the Twittah, and I can only wish I was on vacation with her right now to make her read this post immediately.

    Hey, J, LOOK! There's a MIDGET in the Rob movie!!!

  2. Hey, we here at Welcome to Forks, Y'all do not discriminate. If reading about how smallish people get off gets you going, then more power to ya.

    I'm excited about your RL Would-be Debutante friend!!! I love debutantes! I'm a Wish-I-Was-A Debutante myself! *does the beauty queen parade wave to your friend (did you notice my white gloves?)*


  3. So. Many. Words. First of all love your stuff, yall. Thanks for StotheP for directing (and i probably don't have to tell you what I mean by DIRECTING) me here. So, as I was cruising through my favorite bookstore today, Sundog Books in Seaside, FL, I saw WFE and I really wanted to buy it, but i couldn't. I can't handle M&M's, I'm a diabetic.
    Also, on the Deb note...i'm pretty sure if i think about it long enough and re-read BD, it could be argued that Bella was a vampire deb.

  4. OOOOH, Seaside! Pretty!!!

    And you are *totally* right about Bella being a debutante!! She's for sure in the upper crust of vampire society by letting Edward shoot straight vampire venom into her already unbeating heart. But she totally effed up her coming out dress.


  5. You just totally spoiled Water for Elephants for me. Now I know EXACTLY what Rob was doing with the adorable midget on the train.

    Sadpants.... but know I want to read it more. #skeevy