Hopefully all you Americans have recovered from a fantastic Fourth of July weekend. Honestly, even though we love the Fourth and all that it stands for--freedom, independence, not having a Queen--you non-USAers are pretty lucky. You're not still hungover, you don't have massive heartburn from too many grilled sausage dogs, and you still have all your fingers and eyeballs intact. Hopefully.
You also probably weren't tragically injured by a Slip 'n' Slide. Unless you were. I don't know what kind of crazy weekends you foreigners have.
When we say injured, we don't mean we're, like, really hurt. No bones were broken in the process of two completely sane 25-year-olds deciding that it would be fun to set up a Slip 'n' Slide and then, well....slip and slide. Except that the Slip 'n' Slide was obviously meant for a small child.
Slip 'n' Slide. See the child? See how the size of the child is proportional to the size of the Slip 'n' Slide? Do you know how annoying it is to type Slip 'n' Slide?
And we are big grown-ups.
Even so, we made it work. As we flung ourselves onto the yellow plastic runway, liberally greased with baby oil to reduce friction, we screamed in wild abandon. It was fun. It was like childhood. It was like....freedom.
Even Andee's dog enjoyed her freedom, which meant that she chased us all the way down the slide and then pounced on our heads. Which was funny if you were watching it happen to someone else, but not so great when it happened to you. (Andee will post the pic after 5pm central time!)...Dangit my dear husband screwed me over(no pun intended) and got rid of the slip-n-slide and baby oil before I got home so I couldn't take the EPIC PICTURE :( So all I did was make him take a cute pic of the head pouncing pup!
But just like those heroic Revolutionaries, we too had a price to pay for our freedom, and that price was the ability to actually move the next day. Or the day after that. Neck muscles, arm muscles, leg muscles, stomach muscles....ok, ALL the muscles in our bodies are completely shot, and no amount of over the counter pain medicine can help.(We haven't tried the good stuff yet, but we are at work and we're not really sure if we should be answering the phone when we're high, but then even reaching for the phone feels like microscopic ninja penguins have inflitrated our muscular system and are ferociously ninja fwacking us with their flippers.....f*ck it, we sound high already, we're taking them.) All we want is to be able to actually put our seat belts on in the car, or pull our hair up in ponytails. Both these tasks, as well as any others that don't include blinking, breathing or changing the television channel, are futile.
There are, like, 700,000 Google hits on "ninja penguin."
So here we sit behind our desks at work after the Fourth of July, lucky to have successfully gotten out of our cars, grimacing in pain with each word--nay, each letter--typed, afraid to go on Twitter for fear of laughing out loud and straining our already over-taxed abdominal muscles, limiting our intake of fluids because the thought of having to get out of our chairs and make that long trek down the hall to the bathroom is just. Too. Much. We get though all that for you guys. We love all our loyal readers so much, and we sure as hell wouldn't let some unfortunate Slip 'n' Slide accident keep us from giving you what you want--a snarky blog post about Twilight.
Which is why it is totally ironic that this post has nothing to do with Twilight. Aren't irony and Slip 'n' Slides a bitch, y'all?