Monday, July 26, 2010

This Post Has Nothing To Do With Robert Pattinson Getting A Pap Smear, No Matter What It Looks Like. We Swear.

Today, the big Twilight story was the paparazzi swarm on Robert Pattinson this weekend. All the dude wanted to do was go to a movie, hit up a Malibu party and just get back home. And the paps were all over him--as usual--but for some reason, Rob was not having it this time. He was tired of them following him all day and tried to talk some sense into them.

Which never works, because they are paparazzi. It's the nature of the beast to be an invasive asshole. I'm sure there are plenty of good paps out there...wait, I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but surely there are some photogs out there that get the pic and call it a day, not hang around to see just how far they can push a poor British boy. (Wow, I just realized I said "good pap" which reminds me of a pap smear, and that's certainly an oxymoron. I suppose can be good if it comes back negative because you don't want to have cancer or anything like that, but the pap itself is never "good." Unless that's your thing, and in that case, go for it, girl. Get that check up.)

But the video (which you can check out on LTR today) is just too sad. Only watch it if you can stomach seeing The Pretty all sad faced, confused as to how exactly to handle the situation, tired, annoyed, get the picture. It may be the very absolute saddest Robert Pattinson video I have ever watched, and I kinda wish I could go back and "un-watch" it. Really, y'all. That video made my tummy hurt. I am a sucker for *anyone* who gives off that level of sad panda, but especially, especially Roberto. All I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him everything would be alright, pet his little head (get your minds out of the gutter) and give him a Hot Pocket. Because everything is better if the Pocket is Hot (again with the gutter, people).

Sad Panda Photo from Robsessed

And there was no one to come to the rescue, not even law enforcement. (Seriously, why aren't there better laws?? That is redonk.) Not even the FAN GIRL who approached him and asked if he did public speaking engagements. There is a Rob's quote going around about how fans helped clear the paps away from the WFE set, and that made me wonder...

...where were Rob's fans that night? If this crap is how the paps are going to treat Rob from now on, you Golden Coast girls are going to have to do something. And that something is form the Pattinson Pap Squad.

Yes, the Pattinson Pap Squad. A secret society of Robert Pattinson fans whose sworn mission is protect The Pretty from all harm. Imagine this weekend's situation if the Pap Squad were already in existance...

....It's been a long day for Rob as he leaves a Malibu party. He's a little tired, and the gentle purr of his classic car threatens to lull him to sleep. He makes a wrong turn into a deserted alley. "Bloody hell," he mutters as he reaches for the gear shift to throw the car in reverse and head back onto the highway. But before he can do so, a shadow quickly flits past his window. Startled, he cranes his head back to see what the shadow could be. There is nothing there. 

Chagrined, he turns back around, only to find a man standing in front of his car. A man with....a camera. Suddenly, there is another man with a camera inches away his window, and yet another man, this time with a video camera, approaches from behind the car. Paps. One after another, the nightmarish camera-wielders creeps out from behind the buildings and slowly, eerily approachs his car, with each click and flash inching closer and closer....Rob steels himself and faces the onslaught head on...

....when all of a sudden, a Remember Me DVD disc flies through the air, crashing into nearest street light and engulfing the alley in darkness. The paps gasp in surprise, but quickly find their bearings, using their flashes and video camera lights to once again find Rob and continue their approach once more.

Their lights don't help them, though. They only allow Rob to see the flashes of plaid-clad elbows as they smash into cameras and noses indiscrimanantly. He sees laceless Keds and dirty Chucks and........can it be? Shiteous Nikes?.........smash into stomachs, slam into shins and play "kick the camera" with the paps equipment, ifyouknowwhatimean. He can barely make out a "Bite Me, Robward!" cardboard poster as it slices through the night air, and when the side of a pap's face slides slowly down his driver's side window, Rob can clearly see a Cullen crest imprinted in the man's forehead.

It becomes quiet. After minutes of silence, Rob cranks his car and turns on the headlights. The street is littered with paps, all groaning, clutching their heads, their shins, their crotches. Rob looks on with amazement. "Who...?" he asks himself.

Pattinson Pap Squad, that's who.

Pattinson Pap Squad: Kind of like these guys, except not mutant turtles. They don't really have to be teenaged, either. But definitely ninjas. For sure.

UPDATE: *This* is what a Pattinson Pap Squad member really looks like:

Thanks for the inspiration, @StotheP! From now on, all PPS members are armed with jelly beans and ninja stars. Makes perfect sense.


  1. Aww... I want to hug Rob too. Poor sadpanda Roberto.

    Btw, I am dubbing this blog post the BEST YET! Pattinson Pap Squad! BWHAHAAH!

  2. There will be one super-long, awkward high five waiting on you in Baton Rouge for this.

    You had me at the Remember Me DVD. The TMNT were just the icing on an already-perfect cake, but HA FREAKING HA!

    Rob being pestered so much IS annoying, but I was kind of too busy still giggling over 'go for it. Get that check up' to get REALLY sad. The whole thing makes me mad, anyway. I just want him to yell, "Outta the way!" and jump in his car and floor it. Sounds like fair warning to me.

  3. StotheP, Oooh, I hope the super-long, awkward high five is in slow motion as well, because I have a history of effing up a good high five. You will have to be gentle with me.

    Poochi_mama, fan-fic plays out in my head all the time. You should hear all the scenarios I have worked out for meeting KStew. They all involve me pretending to be a bad ass.

    Fang, I think the Pattinson Pap Squad needs a theme song.

    Pattinson Pap Squad,
    Protecting Rob from the mob
    of horrendous photogs,
    Pattinson Pap Squad.

    Ok, so that's like a theme song-haiku hybrid. A Themeku? Whatever.