Rumors, Lies and The Love Child of Betty White and Robert Pattinson

This morning, I visited the interwebs to tell them "Good morning!" and ask them how their weekend went. (It was fine, thanks for asking.) And then the interwebs started sharing things with me, cause we're buddies. Also because the internet is terrible at keeping secrets. I learned that Robert Pattinson showed up late to the Eclipse reshoots and had to be "talked to" by The Slader and Summit. Which was weird, because I also learned that Rob showed up on time to the Eclipse reshoots and everyone went out for ice cream after they were finished.

And something about Betty White lining up to do nudity.

Rob Pattinson. Betty White. Nudity. 'Nuff said.

Oh, that's wrong, isn't it? It's supposed to be Betty White draws the line at nudity. Oh, thank heaven. See this is how rumo--

Oh my gosh. The internet is speading rumors, y'all.

Rumors. They suck big ones. By the way, did you hear about Tina? Apparently, she does, too.

Rumors make me think about that Lindsay Lohan song, and anything that makes me have to think about Lindsay Lohan pisses me off. So, yeah...rumors piss me off.

Rumors really piss me off because I live down south, and y'all--we are the QUEENS OF GOSSIP. Down here, it could be said that there is no such things as a rumor because if it comes out of someone's mouth, by God, it must be true. Like television.

And it must be repeated. Often. Without thought to the consequences. Hell, why even bother with finding out if it's even true? Cause after all....there's no smoke without a fire. And see, kids, that's a metaphor meant to explain that if people are talking about something, it must have at least a tiny grain of truth.

Myself and Andee have both fallen victim to a malicious rumor. It's hard not to where we come from. I hate to perpetuate the stereotype that there's nothing to do in small southern towns, so we just sit around talking about people, frying chicken and setting fire to things, but sometimes stereotypes are true, y'all.

So if there's no smoke without fire, I am going to rub some sentences together and see if they start a'burnin'. This weekend, Betty White will be hosting SNL, which is fantastic because now I can cross "Watch Betty White Host SNL" off my To-Do Before I Die list. And you know that Robert Pattinson neatly evaded the "Who is your celebrity crush?" question by answering Betty White, so he obvioulsy has the hots for her. And you also know that Twilight fans have been dying to have Rob host SNL and that Lorne Michaels has said that he'd be game for Rob to host.

So here's what going to happen this week. And it's totally true because I just typed it and you just read it and now it's on the internet:

Betty White hosts SNL. Rob stops by for a guest appearance in a skit where Betty White seduces Rob all Mrs. Robinson/that fake movie that Jack Black and Cloris Leachman made for The Office-style. Afterwards, Betty and Rob announce they are getting married and having a child using eggs that Betty White had frozen over 60 years ago for just this occasion. They will name the child Rose Blanche Dorothy Sophia Pattinson if it's a girl (Betty is really hoping for a girl!!) and just Frank if it's a boy. Kristen Stewart will not comment publicly on the announcment.

Unless you count flipping off the first photog that asks her about it as a public comment.

What will the media dub them--Brob? Retty? Pattinwhite? Whitinson? I hope not, cause those are lame.