Friday, August 20, 2010

Things I Have In Common With Edward Cullen

Hello, and welcome to the very first editon of Things I Have In Common With Edward Cullen. This may very well be the only edition of Things I Have In Common With Edward Cullen, unless I can come up with some more things later. Moving along, I present to you--

Things I Have In Common With Edward Cullen

Me: I like to listen to music in my car.

Edward: He likes to listen to music in his car.

Reason Why I Listen To Music In My Car: I am so terrified of the engine noise that I must have another louder, more booty-shaking noise to block the sound of the car racing down the highway. Not that's there's anything wrong with the engine--it runs and probably sounds fine. Except that to me, the sound of moving machinery sends the same chills down my back that fingernails on a chalkboard do to most normal people. (My apologies, b/c I realize that I just made you think about fingernails on a chalkboard. Oh crap, I did it again. My bad.) I live in mortal fear of my car's engine, with its pistons pumping up and down, up and down, UP AND DOWN with such rapidty that the thought of what lies under my hood makes me want to curl up in my bed (with my new t-shirt sheets--those mother f*ckers are soft) and cry a little. I am also equally horrifed of ceiling fans on high speed and especially the ones that wobble. I look at ceiling fans and wonder why someone would use Satan to try and cool me down. In fact, there is a fan in my grandmother's house that spins SO EFFING FAST that if it wasn't bolted into the ceiling, it could fly itself around the room, probably hacking off body parts or at least someone's hair along the way. I do not enter that room when I visit. And while not terrifying, both windshield whipers and clothes dryers make me extermely anxious. If I had a Zoloft prescription, driving in the rain or doing my laundry would be so much easier.

Reason Edward Listens to Music in His Car: Probably because he just likes music.

For the love of cheese stop moving,


P.S. Honestly, does anyone else have any of these fears? I would like to know I'm not alone.

P.P.S. If you haven't read LTT yet (but of course you have), their latest recap on meeting Stephenie Meyer is here!

UPDATE: Not 24 hours after I posted the very intimate details of my severe ceiling fan phobia, I was sitting at a pub table in a restaurant out of town when I happened to look up and see this shit:

That's right. A big ass fan. A BIG ASS FAN. Thankfully, it wasn't directly overhead, or I would've had to politely ask the waitress if we could move out from underneath the giant spinning blades of doom. And then to add irony to the already ironic situation, Fiance' tells me that the company that makes that big ass fan is actually called Big Ass Fans. For real, y'all. Seriously, this sucker's blades were about 12 F*CKING FEET LONG. It's like my ceiling fan phobia had sex with @antisocialangel's helicopter dream and this is their love child of death. Needless to say, I did not enjoy my steak as much as I could have.

Things like this always happen to me.



  1. You are not alone (Free Willy! New and improved, now with more Bindi Irwin!). The noise of vehicle engines doesn't bother me, but the movement of machinery in general scares the bajeesus out of me. Things could get sucked in! cut off! chewed up! pinched! mashed! I grew up and have worked in manufacturing environments. Anyone familiar with the lockout/tagout procedure? Anyone? No? Anyway. I would lockout/tagout my standing fans if The Man wouldn't scorn my wussy tendencies.

    Ceiling fans are da debil. Also, wholly unnecessary. One should only have standing fans. The kind whose blades are in a protective cage. The kind who could be locked out and tagged out.

    Half your Zoloft with me, Grey?

  2. I've never considered the fact that I should be afraid of the engine... but now I am. Thanks for that.

    You wanna know what really scares me? MORE THAN OTHER THINGS?!?!?

    Helicopter... blades. Are they called blades? I don't know but I had a dream about them once where this huge crowd of people wouldn't move and it still landed and cut the heads off of everyone and there was blood everywhere and I was running and crying THEN aliens got out of the helicopter and tried to chase me down to kill me with a laser gun filled with alien piss but you know what?

    I woke myself up before those bastards could get me. Then I woke up the boyfriend and told him the story and he gave me a Tylenol pm and turned on Twilight... NO MORE EVIL HELICOPTER/ALIEN PISS DREAMS!

    That got a little off subject. My apologies.

  3. The air here is FULL of helicopters. FULL. We live near the Army's helicopter training base, so every day, those giant whirling metal birds of death are right above me, threatening to land in front of my vehicle as I zoom down the highway (with the music full blast, natch) and slice my head clean off my body. So yeah....I get your helicopter fear.

    I get it *very much*.


  4. True Story: When I was younger I had very long hair. I was standing beside the stand up oscillating fan in my bedroom (yes, a stand up fan in my bedroom..we were high rollers) and the fan's motor, protective cage and all SUCKED MY HAIR INTO THE BACK OF THE FAN AND HELD MY HEAD HOSTAGE WHILE MY FAMILY LAUGHED AT ME...and this happened more than once. I swear i'm not retarded...even though a certain online test may suggest otherwise.
    My Mema used to tell me stories of a girl she knew who also had very long hair and was standing next to a truck with the hood up and engine running and her hair got caught in the engine belts and it ripped her scalp off. Personally, I think she made the story up, but did I ever go near a raised truck hood without my hair tucked under a cap? No. WELCOME TO MY CHILD HOOD.

  5. Jahni, I can only say thank the good Lord I wore my hair in a ponytail today. I may be upgrading it to a bun after reading your comment, though.