Wednesday, August 4, 2010

All I Ever Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten. Or From Twilight. Whichever.

My job takes me to lots of different places during the fall. Today, I visited two elementary schools. As I waited in the hallways, I let myself drift back in time....back to 1990, when a much shorter version of me was in kindergarten.

I let the smells of the school--mostly disinfectant, with just a hint of vomit (thank gah the kids weren't back, because then I would smell cabbage. School cafeteria food always smells like cabbage in the south)--lull me back to the days of learning to tie my shoelaces so that I could finally get a pair of white leather Keds to wear mult-colored socks with. Back to the days of trying really, REALLY hard to color inside the lines so that I could win at least one--just one--coloring contest. Back to the days of freaking out my teachers because I talked like I was 30 years old because I was an only child and didn't know how to speak "kid".

Or specifically, back to the day when I pissed my pants doing nap mat duty because there was no teacher around to ask permission to use the restroom because they drilled it in us that we couldn't go to the bathroom unless we asked, so I held it and held it, hoping that my teacher would come back but she never did so I peed in my grey cordoroy overalls and had to wear a pair of grungy purple sweatpants from the lost and found box for the rest of the day.

Yay, me.

But the thing I remember the most were the bulletin boards. I was a sucker for a nicely decorated bulletin board. Those little round-faced kids with their beedy little eyes and single-lined smiles, doing all kinds of awesome things--fishing for good behavior, taking conduct out of this world--those kids were awesome.

It made me wish I was a little kid again. Especially if there were Twilight-themed bulletin boards, like this one:

Yes, Bella. Victoria found you. An amazing feat, considering you didn't even leave Forks or anything.

Kids today do have Twilight posters in libraries, encouraging them to, like, read or whatever.

If I ever had the misfortune to dislike reading...well, this would definitely change that.

So kids, enjoy your Twilight-filled school days. But always remember to run to the effing bathroom if you are about to piss yourself. To hell with permission.

Need to go back to school to learn how to sign my name at the end of each post,



  1. Ahhh, memory lane. A nice place to visit. Also, something a cousin once wanted to name her daughter. Thankfully, she came to her senses before I had to open up a can of ridicule.

    I LOVE the bulletin board. I used to love them, too! Edward's bouffant and Victoria's fire-engine red hair make me wish you would re-create the entire saga in bulletin boards.

    Pretty please?

    On that note, I'd like to add the the last several of your hand-drawn masterpieces have rocked my socks. MOAR.

  2. I think I'll read this to Alexis for all the helpful hints! ;)

    When I finally become a librarian, methinks I'll have that last poster in the library. Very inspiring.

  3. StotheP, Memory lane? *crickets* Penny Lane, maybe. Thank goodness for your cousin, I imagine your ridicule can is full of...well, ridicule.

    If you like crappy drawings using Paint, you should really check out Except her drawings aren't crappy, their awesome. I totally copied her. Scratch that, I *wish* I could copy her.

    Fang, I am really, REALLY hoping that you are serious and are going to become a librarian. To be in charge of all those books? The power of literacy? Oh, yes, that would be awesome.

  4. Ahhh I teach elem. school, the things the kids say about Twilight are so precious. My favorite is when they write stories with the character "Jake-up" in them. Yaay phonetic spelling!!

    Do you know about Post Secret? People send in anon. post cards with a secret on one side and they are posted for the world to see. This one is my favorite

  5. Michelle, you must be going back to school soon! Good luck and have a great year! P.S. Do you have any reckless-yet-brilliant artists in your class this year? You need to give them "I Draw Like a Cullen" stickers.

  6. Shhhh 3 more weeks off. We do not speak of that thing known as September. :) Seriously tho thank you. I'm moving to Kindergarten so it should be a very reckless-yet-brilliant year for all of us! Your new slogan= Brilliant. A+ and a gold star sticker for you.