Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Da Google. God bless Da Google.

A few weeks ago, my favorite comic strip of all time (after Peanuts, of course), Pearls Before Swine, ran a series of strips about "Da Google".

See, the stupid crocodile Larry always wants to eat his "Zeeba neighba". Zebra and Larry the Croc live in the same neighborhood as Rat and Pig, the stars of the strip, although Guard Duck holds my heart. If any of that made sense to you, then give yourself a big hug--you're a Pearls fan. If not, I suggest you go to comics.com and start reading Pearls right away. You will not be able to live without them. This is my kind of humor, people.

Anyway, the Da Google strips go perfectly with looking at what search engine keywords led people to our site. Some of them are wonderfully straightforward Twilight searches like "twilight welcome to forks sign" or "new moon deleted scene bella's birthday cake". But some of them? Some of them are...well....you tell me.

Searches from Da Google (or Da Bing, Da Yahoo--whatever)

  • "andee milf" Well, no, Andee's not exactly a Mother I'd Like to F*ck yet. She's more of a Someone Else's Wife I'd Like to F*ck. (SEWILF? That doesn't sound appealing at all.) Some day, though, she'll be a milf. But she's flattered all the same.

  • "baby oil sliding down the hallway" Sounds fun. But my hallways are carpeted, so this wouldn't really work. Actually, it probably wouldn't work for anyone, regardless of hallway status, would it? Hey, if you are the person who googled this and found us, do you mind letting me know how that worked out for you? Thanks.

  • "fake southern hospitality paula deen" HOW DARE YOU??!? And I bet you think that too much butter is bad for you too, huh? Leave. Now.

  • "gil birmingham sweater" I guess this is because he wore his own jacket in Twilight. I really don't get it, though. I mean, "bill cosby sweater" I would totally understand...

  • "how to keep a bonfire going all night" Fire. You're welcome. 

  • "kiowa gordon got me pregnant" Oh, girl, me too. That Kiowa really gets around, apparently. But the child support comes in on time now that he's got that Twilight gig.

  • "spider killer game" Hey. Killing spiders is not a game. It's serious business. But you should always say you're sorry after you do it.

  • "pap smear Robert Pattinson paparazzi" There's really nothing funny about this one. It could actually mean that someone was intentionally trying to reach our site, and that makes me feel special. That someone wanted to find our site, I mean. Not pap smears. They don't make me feel special at all, just icky.

    Needs to Google "how to sign your name to your post,"



  1. Google is my idol. HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

    Stop trying to kick me off your site! *iz a Paula Dean hater*

    Her hair... just terrifies me. And her face is so squinty weird. I CAN'T TAKE IT.

    If that last search WASN'T a search for your specific blog entry, I'm calling the police.

  2. Grey? Hi. I dunno why, but every time you 'oh, girl,' it cracks me up. I always picture you flapping a hand with two-inch fake nails and scrunching up your lips. Maybe shaking a head or a finger.

    My computer is now trained to race instantly to this site as soon as I type W and E together. Originally, Fang mentioned it and I visited and then spent the next day typing "what the forks y'all" repeatedly into MSN. I should have used Da Google like I do now.

  3. Fang, I will not hate b/c you dislike Paula. Her eyes *are* squinty, kind of like Lord Voldemort's eyes. Lord Pauldemort? He sounds like a creepy dude. Also, the last search? Someone must have been staring over my cube walls, it was that spot on. If you don't hear from me in a couple days, it's probably because of work, but....just keep checking on me, k?

    StotheP, in reference to your "what the forks, y'all" faux pas, I will let you in on a little secret that we weren't going to tell you until we were three Cosmos into our first night of Breaking Dawn and Baton Rouge: When Rob and Welcome to Forks, Y'all Collide World Tour---when you first either commented or followed us on Twitter, I called Andee all excited about our new follower, StotheP. Except we didn't realize that it was S to the P. We called you Stowth Pee. For like, ever. Seriously, until like two months ago. So don't feel bad. We didn't even know your "real" name.

    I'm embarrassed now, so I'm going to go blow dry my hair. That way I can cry and no one can hear me.


  4. I called her Stowth Pee for ages! *high fives self for not being the only one* Now I shorten it to "S to the," which really isn't that much shorter now that I think about it.
    I think I'll just start calling her "Your Highness" like she asked us to.
    PS - I love Paula, and she frequently shows up at our family dinners, in the form of a side dish. Not that we're cannibals, we just adore what that woman can do with a potato. Wow, that sounded awful... Imma go now.

  5. Poochi_mama, Paula did some bacon once, and good gah it was mighty fine. I ate the hell out of her bacon.

    Um, nevermind.