Grannies Gone Twilight, or Why Do I Think About These Things?

In response to the colossal tragedgy of a fail I committed earlier this week, I have been thinking overtime about Twilight. Trying to study its many facets, understand its depths, analyze its characters, motifs and themes.

Actually, I'm just kidding. I have a job people, I don't have time for that.

But what I can do to make up for my ginormous faux pas is figure out ways to make every single thing that happens to me at any given point in time relate to Twilight.

Case in point:

Today is Thursday. Not a particularly Twi-lighty day. But Thursday is the day that my grandmother and her friends all go to the mall to eat lunch and shop. Every Thursday, unless there is a holiday or natural disaster, you can find them at the same table, eating from the same food court restaraunt. G Mother (my grandmother's gangster rap alias) likes Taco Bell. She has Taco Bell EVERY THURSDAY.

I eat at the mall alot, because my two favorite things in the whole wide world are food and clothes, and the Pennsylvania real estate group that owns our mall very conveniently put them together in the same building. I'd like to think they did that just for me. It makes me feel like a valued customer.

Anyway, I ate lunch with my G Mother and her friends today, and they spent the entire meal discussing all the various aliments they are currently suffering from. I have heard that when you get old in the South, the conversation always turns either to:

• Diseases
• Someone who has recently died
• Kids these days
• A funeral you just attended
• Your last doctor's visit
• What time you will be going to visitation.

As I sat there, my G Mother talked about whatever it was that was wrong with her (I can't really remember, which is sad because it proves that I wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying and that makes me a bad grandchild) and then listening to her friend describe some way to cure it, (ok, I actually did tune in a little on this one, but obviously not enough because all I can remember is something about "rolling it on a Coke can" and "it" was a body part, and that's all I know) I began to think about Twilight.

Why are there no G Mother's in Twilight?

Why are there only hot, sexy, young vampires in Twilight? I know the Volturi were all paper-thin and dusty looking, possibly like a grandparent, but you never really know their human age, do you? (Actual question looking for an actual answer! Likes long walks on the beach and pina colad.....nevermind.) Why the ageism, Steph? Isn't there room for a lovable family matriarch, a grandmother with snowy hair, wizened eyes and a purse full of peppermints? Someone fluffy, in that hard-as-steel-vampire-skin kind of way?

Your very instinct rebels against your Grams as a vampire. Why? Maybe it's because vampires are supposed to be HOT, and if they're not hot, they're supposed to be ghoulish. Or that vampires are supposed to be deadly swift predators. Or maybe it's that hot thing again.

Well, there's no reason why you couldn't bite your Maw Maw and turn her into a vampire, too. The natural conversion process of becoming a vampire brings out your best qualities, enhancing you into devastatingly beautiful creatures. So the odds are good that your Nanny would come out of the whole thing looking like Helen Mirren. Or at least Dame Judy Dench.

As for deadly swift predators, come on. Haven't you always known, deep down inside, that your Gammy had kick butt ninja skills? No? Maybe that was just me. But I know for a FACT that my G Mother could take down a panther or two as one of the Cullen Clan, because when she was young, she ate squirrels. (Hey, it was the South. It was after the Great Depression. Squirrels are tasty. Can you blame her?) The human to squirrel ratio is equal to the vampire to panther ratio, for sure. Maybe.

The best reason for Grandma to be a vampire? No more discussions about how her hip makes her walk funny on one side, and how she's sure that's going to result in knee problems in the future. Cause vampires don't have knees, duh.

Oh, sorry......I mean knee problems.

Our Bloggy Heroes

The most awkward part of a teenager's day--lunchtime

Imagine that it is the first day of high school...you walk into a crowded cafeteria at lunch time, and you don't know a soul. (For a clear mental picture, just imagine Bella's first day at Forks High School, or pretty much any cafeteria scene from any teen rom-dram-edy, because apparently, scenes that happen in cafeterias are very pivotal.)

The Cullens prove that all high school stereotype groups can get along: The Constipated One, The Arty Chick, The Jock, The Bitchy Cheerleader, and The Emo Kid.

You see this table full of fantastically good-looking vampires teenagers, and as you sit down at that lonely, empty table that no one every sits at because it has that wonky leg, you find yourself wishing that, maybe one day, you too could be a part of the in-crowd, the cool kids, the Plastics, the Cullens. If not for the fame and adoration and the social status, then at least so that you could sit at a table where you don't spill your drink every time you rest your elbows on the table top.

Wow. This is a nice cafeteria.

Since we got into the Twilight game after New Moon came out, Andee and I sort of feel like all those new kids in all those movies. There are already established, wildly popular Twilight blogs/websites out there, and here we come with our little podunk blog. Who do we think we are, anyway???

Our lunchroom was about 20 of these babies pushed together. Every other stool was missing, I swear. I don't know who would take them, or why, but they did. I bet Edward wouldn't have looked as sexy not eating at these tables.

When Andee and I would look at those fantastic cool-kid blogs (with their Lisa Frank folders and their hot pink Trapper Keepers with--OMG!--a Spottie Dottie pen/pencil holder that clips in, where did you get that???), we would immediatly begin e-mailing each other back and forth about what we read. We were lurkers, who instead of actually commenting on the BLOG, we commented to each other. Counterintuitive, we know. Those e-mails would turn into day-long conversations, and finally Andee told me that we had to write a blog, because if we were spending all that time talking Twilight, we might as well do it publicly--bloggy style. Yeah, I said it.

The Trapper Keeper. Mine was just as sexy.

So we really wanted to give shout-outs to all the blogs that really led us to creating our own. We do this, not only to honor our Twilight Bloggy Heros, but also to make sure that they know that we are not copying what they do. Because I remember how annoying it was to see little freshmen show up at a senior party, and we don't want to get kicked out of the senior Twilight Blog party for disrespecting our elders. (Did you guys feel like that in high school, or is it just a southern thing?) Oh, and also, we don't want to drink out of a beer bottle that someone has peed in, which, for the record, NEVER happened to us.

Freshmen would get dropped off at our parties. Which is weird, because they were in fields. How do you convince your parents to drop you off in the middle of a field? We would always set fire to something, the boys would never let us use their truck radios for booty music, and you had to sleep in your car. "Sure, son, I'll drop you off right here on the side of this lonely, country road. Riiiiiight."

Anway, so that UC and Moon from Letters don't have to ask themselves who the HALE we are, or STY and JJ from Twitarded don't start calling us "corncob knobs" (a southern addition to your creative cursing book!) behind our backs, here is a run down of all the people we look up to in the Twilight blogging world:

Letters to Twilight and Letters to Rob
Twitarded
Twicrack Addict
Robsessed


You guys bring awesome to people every day, and while we are really just doing this blog for our own personal satisfaction and love for Twilight, we hope that maybe someday, someone out there will want to read our blog like they read y'alls!