Friday, September 10, 2010

I'll go ahead and answer your question now--No, I don't drink before bed.

With all the Breaking Dawn news rolling out and time spent planning our epic trip to Baton Rouge this fall/winter, it was only a matter of time before I had the sequel to my Kristen dream, only this time, starring Rob.

It was weird. And not in that ironically comical, "At least I didn't embarrass myself, oh wait, I DID" kind of way. It was weird in a "Burger King doesn't serve popcorn and what the hell is Jughead from Archie Comics doing with Robert Pattinson in Panama City, Florida?" way. Just read.

My Roberto dream began in Panama City, Florida, my parent's hometown and where my dad's family still lives. Maybe I was there visiting my Grandma, maybe I knew Rob was there and was stalking him hoping for the chance to meet him.

I didn't know I would find him so easily. This certainly wasn't like my other dream, where I could sense that KStew was near, but never saw her. No, in this dream, I had no idea that when I got hungry and pulled into a Burger King, waiting for me in the bathroom was a chance to wash my hands with Robert Pattinson.

This. THIS is what I find when I google search "robert pattinson burger king." I guess the King is Team Jacob. Annnnnnnd that's just fine with me.

It totally wasn't like a "Well, helloooooo there" sexy-time public bathroom dream. Rob was just washing his hands. He didn't turn around as the door opened, but I knew the back of him, like, well...come on, who doesn't have his backside completely and totally memorized?
His bottoms were saggy just like these!! I knew that ass right away. 
It only crossed my mind once and incredibly briefly that the two of us shouldn't be sharing a bathroom. I decided to say "hi," but it came out really weird, like I was a boy who just hit puberty right there in front of Robert Pattinson in an apparently uni-sex bathroom. "Geez, that sounded horrible. I can do better than that," I said, and repeated my hello. He was very pleasant as we dried our hands and walked out of the bathroom together. Then it got weird. Er. It got weird-er.

"Would you like me to get your lunch for you, Rob?" I asked. He said sure, that he wanted a burger and chips. I guess maybe Dream Rob meant "chips" the way that British people mean chips--as in, fries. But I thought he meant chips, like Lay's or Fritos or something. I hurried to get his food, but I guess I got a little nervous because as soon as it was ready, I set the tray down at his table and left for my own.

At this point, I have a friend with me--not Andee, sadly, but she fits into this tale towards the end--and we giggle and whisper as Rob eats his burger alone at his booth. Suddenly, it hits me--like when you're at work and you're looking through old emails and you see this email that you had totally forgotten about and they needed something from you, like, a week ago and you know that you're totally screwed--where are Rob's chips? Oh my gah. Did I forget Rob's chips????

I had. And my error had disappointed Robert Pattinson. He looked sad, and still kind of hungry.
I was heartbroken that I had disappointed Rob. "I'll get your chips right now!" I said, and then I snuck behind the counter to steal a huge ass bag of white cheddar popcorn. Popcorn, not chips. I know.

After I got the popcorn, Rob was happier. I can't remember if he even ate it, but the next thing I know, me, my friend, Rob, and his friend who just magically appeared and looked just like Jughead from Archie Comics--hat and all, I swear, I think he was supposed to be TomStu--were headed out the door together, laughing. I knew it was time to ask for a picture, and he agreed. We took some giggling pictures and I thanked him and told him what a pleasure it was to meet him. Then he was gone.

Exhibit A: Jughead Jones from Archie Comics

Exhibit 2: Tom Sturridge
Why yes, I see the resemblace!!!

I was INSANE with happiness. I had to tell Andee. Oh, why couldn't Andee have been with me?? Even though she would be so crushed that she wasn't there, I had to tell her. So I called her and began telling her about the whole story.

I had probably gotten to the part where I realized I forgot Rob's chips when it started to dawn on me--wait, this doesn't sound real. Rob in a Burger King? Us sharing a bathroom? Offering to get Rob's food? POPCORN at Burger King? That can't be right...

.....and then I realized, it wasn't--I was dreaming. So while dreaming, I realized I was dreaming. It was so Inception. It was so Leo Dicaprio.

It was so disappointing. I'm never washing my hands at Burger King again.



  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't need to have Rob dreams now. Good thing, too, since I don't dream, I just nightmare. See: Grimace hate.

    I wish Jughead DID look like TomStu. Then Betty could HAVE Archie. Veronica never really wanted him, anyway, but Reggie is just such an insufferable tool.

    Please rewrite this comic soon, k?

  2. I LOVE THAT YOU READ ARCHIE!!! I used to get a new "Archie Digest" every single time I was at the grocery store. I loved Betty because she was nice, but I can't deny---Veronica was way hotter. Reggie? Giant douche. And Cheryl, do you remember Cheryl? She was a redheaded Veronica, but waaaaaaaaaay hotter. I loved her, but my gah, she was a bitch.

  3. Oh, wow. I love your dreams. I'm going to crawl around in your head and have cookies with the hamsters that make your wheels turn someday.

    Also, I think Tom could bite me on the FACE and I still wouldn't recognize him.

  4. Tom kinda does look like "Everyman", doesn't he? I just look for the squinty eyes. They're probably just naturally squinty. He could just smoke a lot of pot. I don't know.