Twilight Profile: Daniel Cudmore, or Betty White is the new Chuck Norris.

Please attempt to stay with me today. This one is R-A-N-D-O-M. I love my brain, but sometimes I wonder what is wrong with it. It does weird things without my permission.

Today's Twilight Profile is on Daniel Cudmore, a.k.a. Felix of the Volturi, A.K.A COLOSSUS FROM X-MEN. I think I am a little more excited about the latter. I am a h-u-g-e comic book/X-Men geek deep down on the inside (ok, fine, on the outside, too). I don't read them anymore, because my favorite character is dead and they won't bring her back so I'm snubbing them until they do. I'm sure they are hurt by my indifference. Actually, the real reason I don't read comic books anymore is probably because I have grown up into a mature, sophisticated Southern woman replaced comic books with Twilight. Which is fine, because I freaking love Twilight, y'all.

Lil bit creepy.

Two words that you don't normally hear together: Hot and Russian. (Because it's cold there, not because Russians aren't hot. Because they obviously are.)

Did I just lose cool points with you guys? It's ok, I'm about to win them back. Keep reading.

Right now, I am working on a little side project that has nothing to do with Twilight. It is, in fact, a wide-scale plot to secure Betty White's place as the new Chuck Norris. Yes, you heard me right. And Daniel Cudmore is going to help me do that. Obviously.


It all started with a little article about fans wanting Betty White to host SNL. I thought this was a terriffic idea, because Betty White is the most kick-ass film and television icon EVER. She's freaking hilarious, and always has such an awesome sense of fun.

Remember when Betty White robbed that liquor store on Boston Legal? Priceless.

Coolest. Picture. Ever.

What about BWhite's latest television appearance during the Super Bowl?

"GREY! HOW DOES NEW MOON'S DANIEL CUDMORE FIT INTO THIS AWFUL POST?" you scream at me. Cheese and crackers, I am getting to it. Hold your horses. I realize that I will have to have two phases in my "Betty White is the new Chuck Norris" master plan. The first will be a grassroots movement to encourage people to think up awesome Betty White jokes in the same theme as Chuck Norris jokes. You know, like:

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' Betty White's eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everyone's future is always the same--a roundhouse kick to the face.

or

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris Betty White.

Yes, I just Googled Chuck Norris jokes and replaced his name with Betty's. But that doesn't make them any less funny. Anyway, that was the first phase--the second phase is celebrity endorsement. And that's where Daniel Cudmore comes in.

Yesterday, Daniel tweeted this:

I think Chuck Norris came and roundhouse kicked my cold last night!! Feeling alot better this morning!

To which I replied:

If Betty White stopped by, you'd be completely healed. Betty White is the new Chuck Norris.

Now, he didn't actually reply to me, but his next tweet talking about how lucky he was to have such great fans, and I'm pretty sure he was talking about me. Since I know that he is a man fond of the Chuck Norris humor, he will be the perfect celebrity spokesperson for my "Betty White is the new Chuck Norris" campaign. So in addition to making Peter think we are the most amazing people on the planet, getting Michael to flirt shamelessly with us, keeping Christopher awake, soliciting bang hairstyling advice from Tinsel, making Kiowa giggle, and charming the pants off Gil........I now have to find the perfect way to recruit Daniel to my Betty White campaign.

Did we mention that we will have to have all this planned out by NEXT WEEK? That's not a lot of time left. Betty White never has these kinds of problems.

Because if Betty White is late, time better slow the eff down.

Twilight Profile: Michael Welch

Poor Mike Newton. Did you feel sorry for him in the books? We kind of did. See, we've known quite a few Mike Newtons in our day. Those poor boys who are pretty decent guys, fairly attractive, with nice personalities....but you just aren't interested in them. Usually because you are checking out someone far more fine than Mike Newton ever dreamed he could be. *coughcoughEdwardcough*

Like we said, we've known quite a few Mike Newtons. But, since we're nice girls who have good, kind hearts, we're proud to say that we've made out with a few Mike Newtons, too. Especially Andee. Did you know that she's kissed over 75 different people in her short lifetime? Statistically a few of those had to be Mike Newtons. *Note from Andee: Thanks A WHOLE LOT, Grey. You will die next weekend for this.* **Note from Grey: Are you gonna kiss me to death??**

ANYWAY, Michael Welch is obviously our Twilight Atlanta profile of the day. But unfortunately, he didn't earn it of his own merit. No, he earned today's spot because of an article we saw online today with the headline "Michael Welch Worried In New Twilight: Eclipse Image."

With this picture accompaning it.

Holy crap, Mike Newton got HOT.

Now, we all know that this picture is NOT of Mike Newton. This is Riley the Newborn, played by the gorgeous Xavier Samuel. But the writer of the article obviously doesn't know that. In fact, they pretty much admit they have no clue what they're doing--"and while we're not one hundred percent sure who the actor is (we think it's Michael Welch)." And if that wasn't enough proof that these people have never even SEEN a Twilight related movie, how about this quote--"Again, we're not exactly sure who the actor is due to the angle and the lighting, but we're guessing it's Michael Welch."

You would be wrong. Totally, completely, irrecovibly wrong. "Due to the angle and the lighting"? Really? REALLY? Lighting and angles made you mistake this guy---

The Real Michael Welch

---for this guy?

The Fake Michael Welch

We guess it could have been an honest mistake. Stuff like this happens to us all the time. We are constantly, ceaselessly compared to Nicole Kidman (Grey) and Britney Spears (Andee). All. The. Time. It's always someone calling us, saying they saw our picture in People magazine. And we're like "No, Nana, we are NOT using Botox. Please stop calling me the Ice Queen," or "Of COURSE we haven't shaved our heads. What is a K-Fed? Is it a shoe?"

Grey

Andee

Fact: Michael Welch is not as hot as Samuel Riley. It's ok. There are alot of facts out there that people don't like, but we have to deal with them because they're FACTS. So what if Xavier is hotter? Is he more cuddly than Mike? No. Is he more adorable in that dorky way than Mike? No.

Would Xavier Samuels do this to please a crowd?

http://www.youtube.com/watch#playnext=1&playnext_from=TL&videos=I-gRMl3Y54w&v=rpGQ21JHJZw

Or this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch#playnext=1&playnext_from=TL&videos=W3wOgspc0e8&v=RiXpyupaTTs

No, I dare say he wouldn't. Because Michael Welch does it HARD for his fans. He is not afraid to get down and get silly to make the girls swoon. So while Michael Welch may not be as hot as Xavier Samuel, or wear cool Ray-Bans and try to be a wannabe Rob Pattinson like Xavier Samuel, he IS out there making the chicks laugh, and that makes the panties drop, too. So go get you some, Michael Welch.

Do it for Mike Newton.

Crazy Article: http://www.reelempire.com/news/68-movies/2012-michael-welch-worried-in-new-twilight-eclipse-image

Twilight Profile: Bronson Pelletier

Today I wore polka dotted socks with high heel strappy sandals. So my judgement on this post may not be so hot. But at least my feet are warm.

Speaking of werewolves, *Note from Grey: See, I told you.* for our second installment of profiles on the Twilight stars we are going to meet in Atlanta in TWO WEEKS, we are focusing on a member of the Wolfpack, Bronson Pelletier, a.k.a. Jared from New Moon, Eclipse, and the soon-to-be-made-or-else-the-Twidom-is-going-to-start-freaking-the-eff-out Breaking Dawn!!!!!

Second only to Mr. Wolfhowl himself, Alex Meraz.

Bronson is freaking awesome, y'all. He's adorable, hilari........What? Wait, what did you say, Andee?....................What do you mean, he dropped out? He's not coming to The Official Twilight Convention in Atlanta on March 5th, 6th, and 7th?........................Oh, I get it. You're joking with me. You're being funny..............................No?

Son of a b*tch.




He's not coming. That mangy little MUTT PUPPY isn't coming to Atlanta. To quote Pam Beasley from The Office: "Oh, it's on. It is so on."

Ohhh, no. Don't try that "show a lil bare shoulder" sexy thing with me. I'm mad.

We were totally ready to overlook your faults, Bronson Pelletier. But now that you have decided NOT to show up at Twi Con in Atlanta, we don't feel that we should. After all, you broke your promise to us--the promise to provide us with endless entertainment and maybe a little harmless flirting. But what's the point? You broke our hearts, and payback is....well, ironically enough, the name of a female dog.

Bam! Hit you with that embarrassing head shot of your youth. I play dirty.

Please observe this interview with the Wolf Pack during the New Moon press junket.


http://www.youtube.com/watch#playnext=1&playnext_from=TL&videos=sBEqU2kaeZI&v=M-iD2d24Cqc


After watching this and other press videos, Andee and I discovered that Bronson is usually very, very stimulated. Like highly over-caffinated. I know that it's the first time he's doing something in the Hollywood big league, but his over-excitement is borderline annoying. Actually, it's totally annoying. He's like that kid who wants to hang out with the cool crowd, and the whole class is going on a field trip, and the cool kids get to sit in the back, and he has to sit maybe more in the middle, and so he spends the entire bus ride turned backwards in his seat, trying desperately to be a part of what's going on in the back. And, well, now that I've written that, I kind of feel sorry for him. I mean, I hated when a kid tried to get into the "cool crowd" because they usually didn't want him, and his feelings got hurt. Nobody wants kids to have to go through that.

"Hahahaha....that was so funny. Wait, what did you say? Can you say that again, guys? Guys?"

But Bronson is not a child. Bronson is an annoying, over stimulated young adult, so I'm over it. Oh, AND he's a clapper. You know, those people who, when something is funny or amazing, they clap. For example:

"Oh my gah, *clap clap* that is so freaking hilarious! *clap clap*"

Well, my anger is spent. I am through with Bronson Pelletier, a.k.a. Jared "Yeah? Well, we're faster" Wolf Boy. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to pull up my socks. They are puddling around my ankles.

P.S. We really have nothing against Bronson, we are just being funny. We understand that there is probably a very important reason why he had to back out of Twi Con, and we get it. Hopefully, it's for something cool, like a magazine spread or a part in a television show. We want him to get to do lots of awesome, extrordinary things because of Twilight.

P.P.S. I am also a clapper, so I'm not sure why I made fun of Bronson doing it. Must be the socks thing.

Twilight Profile: Christopher Heyerdahl

Well, this Sunday KStew got to go to a British awards show with her incredibly hawt boyfriend and win a prestigious award.

I went to Wal-Mart.

But I'm not bitter. Because Andee and I are totally getting ready to head to The Official Twilight Convention in Atlanta, Georgia, in two weeks! While at this convention, we will:

Meet some of the stars of the Twilight films

Listen to awesome panels on all things Twilight

Experience the "Twidom"

Try to stay cool, and I ain't talking temperature

Network

We figured that we would do some fun research on the celebrities that we will get to meet while at the convention, and share our information in the form of our trademark randomness. The first celebrity selected is...........................................................

CHRISTOPHER HEYERDALH, a.k.a. Marcus of the Volturi!!!!

This vampire is not scary, people! He's like a grandpa shuffling towards you, asking you if you want some peanut brittle. (He can't eat it because of his teeth, obviously.)

Now *this* is creepy.

So to work I went, collecting valuable information on the life and.........*yawn*.............times of Christopher...............Heyer..........zzz........zzzzzzz............ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ........zzzzSNORTzzzzz...............zzzz........zzz........zzzz....

Wha? Whozit? *yawwwwwwwwwwwwwn* Oh, hi. Did I fall asleep? I'm so sorry, I was just looking up stuff for Christopher Heyerdahl and I was watching some clips of him as Marcus and I just fell asleep, y'all. Because Marcus is the most boring literary character I've ever encountered.

I will give CHeyer props here. This is not boring. Potentially crazy and a lil Brett Michaels, but not boring. By the way, can you still give out props? I'm so behind on my hip urban terminology. (I'm guess CHeyer probably is too.)

I guess since Christopher can totally bring the boring to Marcus, that makes him a great actor. I didn't know anything about him, so I thought I would be in for some exciting research. "Hey, I never knew that was him in that movie!" was what I expected.

Well, I didn't really get that. He has been in SEV-ER-AL television shows, most of which I've never seen or heard of. I have heard of 21 Jump Street but never watched it. Of course, as a child in the 90s, I was aware of Are You Afraid of the Dark?, but unfortunately I WAS afraid of the dark and never watched the show.

Movie-wise, he was in Catwoman (yeah, THAT Catwoman), which I've seen, but mercifully remember nothing about it, so I don't remember him. He was also in The Chronicles of Riddick and Blade Trinity.

So.....yeah. Listen, I hope that you guys haven't fallen asleep, too. Christopher Heyerdahl's blog post isn't all that exciting. But I think that's appropriate, y'all. After all, he does play Marcus, whose very essence can be summed up in just one word:

Boring.

See you in ATL, Marcus!

P.S. If you are alsleep, I hope you're dreaming of Rob. I hope that you're dreaming of BAFTA Rob. I hope that you're dreaming of pushing BAFTA Rob's man bang off of his forehead.

We're so sorry about this post. Don't feel obligated to read it.

Today, it's Andee's turn to get her hair done, so I will be handling the blog post for this fantastic Friday. Which is good for Andee.......bad for you.

Why? Because I have nothing to write about today. So....yeah. A blog about not having anything to blog about. I'm going to totally pull a Craig Ferguson and let you all know that this whole blogging thing is really heading downhill. And Andee leaves me to save it while she gets sun kissed highlights and a trim?

In the words of the great Billy Burke playing that iconic dad, Charlie Swan: "Good luck with that."

Today's theory is that I will just leave the Blogger window open and as random shiz pops into my head, I will post it for you. Unfiltered. Uncensored. Probably unfunny. But we'll see.

RANDOM THINGS:

• My sock drawer. It's pretty random.

KStew at The Yellow Handkerchief premier.

I am like 6 years older than this girl and I am afraid of her. DO YOU SEE THAT FACE? KStew is not impressed with you.

Stew is beautiful. The mullet is still growing out nicely. For the record, I never really cared about Stew cutting her hair, I just like to be able to say "mullet" without having to say "Wal-Mart." I've been picking up some Tweety phrases, and I believe this was considered "epic bitchface." I agree.

• "Handkerchief" is a very strange-looking word. It comes from the word "kerchief" which basically means bandana. Like this:

Eminem and his kerchief.

So a handkerchief is like a bandana for your hand. LIKE A HANDANA. Yes. Handanas are awesome.

• On the subject of Kristen, I had a thought in the car about her getting it on with Rob. I think her seduction methods would be similar to that "Blah Blah Blah" song by Kesha. I'm totally not comparing her to Kesha, but I have this mental image of Stew telling Rob to shut up so she could make out with him. "Zip your lip like a padlock, and meet me in the back with the Jack at the jukbox, I don't care where you live at, just turn around boy, let me hit that, don't be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where the d*cks at...."


• I blurred d*ck because I thought it was dirtier than bitch. Yes, I can type erection and penis, but d*ck gets the astrik treatment. Hey, these are random, after all, and this is my blog. Put d*ck on your own blog. Heck, put multiple d*cks ALL OVER your blog. I don't care.


• Just discovered @shitmydadsays. Wow.


• Andee is probably going to have a talk with me about the last two comments. She has such a hard time trying to keep me classy.


• Remember Me trailer in Russian. I had no idea this was a spy movie. http://www.youtube.com/watch#playnext=1&playnext_from=TL&videos=US5O1-j1bGs&v=CJADvUYwIJs

"Secret formula? What secr......Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhh. Secret formula. Yes, I have the secret formula. But you'll have to seduce it out of me..."

Bella Gets Me Firemen. You Heard Me.

Today, I have a hair appointment. I love my hair the way it is right now--the color, the length, everything--but lately I have been thinking about changes. Just thinking, though. I would love to have red hair, but would hate to dye my hair. I am also thinking about bangs. I already have them now, but they are side swept. I am thinking about full bangs, like the kind I had in middle school. But better.

So with the red hair and the bang questions, I visited instyle.com and did their Hollywood makeover thing. Which is actually REALLY cool and works pretty well. I tried bangs, and red hair, and brown hair, and bobs and updos and curls.

But what was really awesome was that they had a Kristen Stewart hairstyle you could "try on." No, it wasn't the mullet....and quite frankly, it wasn't a real "hairstyle," it was just KStew's naturally awesome hair before she mulleted it. (Hmm...that word looks a lot like the word "mutilated" if you squint your left eye while holding your hand over your right one. Coincidence???? By the way, stop doing that if you're at work, people are going to think you're weird.) But Kristen Stewart plays Bella Swan, and now was my chance to see what I would look like with Bella Swan hair.

This is pretty....average looking, if you ask me. I would rather see what I would look like with a mullet.

I am totally grabbing Rob's tushie in this picture. Don't hate--it's exactly what you would do, too.

All this "Kristen/Bella" transformation made me think about something that happened to me last fall, when I realized I was a lot closer to Bella than I thought.

I am an average looking girl. I am pretty, I admit it, since you are are virtually twisting my arm here. But I am nothing that men stop and stare at. I have no boobs, I'm short, my legs look like Britney Spears'. I don't dress sexy. Basically.....men don't really hit on me. (Except for the comic nerds when they find out that I am a fellow comic nerd--then they yell out loud in the middle of a crowded mall "You like COMIC BOOKS? But you're HOT!" Best day of my life.)

So in the course of my job, I was around a group of firemen. I had to work with them for about 2 or 3 weeks. In the entire course of the project, they never once hit on me. That's fine--I've got a fiance, I look I'm 12, I totally get it.

But one day, one of the firemen meets me out in the parking lot as I'm struggling to get out of my car. I always struggle to get out my car. I also struggle getting into my car, going through doors, walking with things in my arms....basically anytime some grace and smoothness would be a plus, I totally eat it. Drop stuff, get stuck in my seat belt, whatever. It's not pretty.

So the fireman kind of deadpans with me: "Need any help there?" like it's totally obvious that I do. And I tell him no, that I'm just always this awkward. Pretty much all the time. And then he gives me this look, like someone flipped a light switch in his brain. He laughed, carried my things, and we went to work.

And then later that night he texted me.

It was SO WEIRD. I wasn't doing or wearing anything more (or less) than I had in the past. It was the next day that I realized: It was the awkward, helpless, but determined attitude. It was being Bella. Imagine an adorable tiny kitten who was trying its best to hiss and act all tough, but what it really needs a home and some TLC. I was the kitten. I was awkward and adorable, and apparently, that was hot.

So hot, a fireman came to the rescue. Thank you, Bella.

So many "hose" jokes....

P.S. I did not pursue the fireman. I have a lovely helicopter assembly hottie who is more than enough to handle. But that doesn't mean that I didn't feel awesome.

Well, this post is just crap. Literally.

As I sat at my desk in the afternoon hours of this beautiful (if still a bit chilly) Tuesday, I thought to myself:

"Well, Grey," I said to myself, "how in the heck are you and Andee going to top yesterday's fantastic post about Robert Pattinson's erections?"

And then because I may possibly be crazy, I answered myself:

"Why, Grey, it's very simple. You talk about him pooping."

Oh, Lord. This is not going to go well.

I will try to make this post relavant to something important, not just potty humor. And actually, Andee is much better at the toilet talk than I am. I am a little prudish about the porcelain, to be honest.

Obviously, I'm talking about this pap photo from the Bel Ami set:

Yes, Rob is taking a roll of toilet paper into his trailer. Which is totally normal, because when you run out of toilet paper, you have to get some more. And that usually involves picking it up with one of your hands and walking it into the bathroom. Because we can't teleport things yet (YET!!! ONE DAY!). Because Rob doesn't have the power to levitate objects and float the TP to the bathroom. AND because Rob is probably too great a dude to ask some underling: "You there, go get my turkey on wheat from the Kraft table, MAYO ONLY! And 5 cans of Coke. Oh, and hey, while you're doing that, could you get me some toilet paper? Thanks."

With those options exhausted, Rob has to get his own toilet paper. When I first saw the picture, I thought "How cute! Rob's got toilet paper! He's totally normal and adorable!" Then I realized that Rob is a boy. And boys only need toilet paper to do one thing.

Poop.

Andee handled this better than I did. I, on the other hand, was caught up in a desperate fight between my idyllic vision of Rob, (probably too closely blurred with the ficticious Edward if I'm truthful) and the nightmare that is Rob on the toilet. That vision is in my head. Right now. And I can't make it go away.

Andee and Grey's G-Talk (which sounds dirty to us, so we always giggle whenever one of us says "G-Talk me!" to the other)

Grey: i just realized something awful

Andee: what?

Grey: that unless rob has that toilet paper in his hand because he likes to blow his nose with it (like some people do) he is going to use it for poop. Because boys don't need it for pee. Only poop. I don't want to think about Rob pooping.

Andee: hahah u know i don't mind that :) *is there some fetish I need to know about, Andee????*

Grey: regular people pooping...fine. That's ok. but not awesome people like rob.

Andee: what if he talked about it like me and [the hubby] do.... you would be sooo disgusted

Grey: EDWARD DOESN"T POOP

Andee: okay i'll give u that edward doesn't poop BUT ROB DOES!!!

Now, I promised that this post would be about more than just poopage, and here is my dilemma.

I want to see pictures of Rob. I was really feeling the post-New Moon/pre-Eclipse withdrawls. Yes, we had scruffy Rob for Haiti, but then he was gone again. And when he finally resurfaced, we saw him through the lens of the paparazzi. And when that happens, you get pictures of Rob heading to the toilet, or pictures like these:

I feel so sorry for stars like Rob who can't even have a BM or buy some freaking underpants without EVERYBODY knowing about it. But I also can't help wanting to see more and more pictures of Rob. I think this is really every good Rob fan's moral quandry--To pap pic or not to pap pic? On one hand, you have pap pics of poopage. Which is not good.

But on the other hand, you have pap pics of pooches, which is excellent and adorable *Note from Andee: Aww... Rob is petting MY black lab...HOW SWEET!* **Note from Grey: Andee....you realize that now I HAVE to say "That's what she said," right?**

I think I'm going to have to look at all Rob Pattinson pictures with totally AMORAL eyes. There is no right. There is no wrong. There is only Rob.

Ambiguous,

Grey

The Post Where We Talk About Rob's........You-Know-What.

Andee and I are from the South. Obviously. We were raised in the Bible Belt, spending each Sunday morning and Wednesday night praising the Lord. The way that we grew up, there were always certain things that you knew you couldn't do, because if your momma or your preacher found out, they would be ashamed. (And so would God, but he knows about it before you even do it, so you're in trouble regardless.)

I said that to preface the fact that I'm going to talk about this:

ROBERT PATTINSON GETS ERECTIONS FROM VAGINAS.

I am so glad that my momma doesn't know how to use the internet.

"Tell your mum I said hello."

Right now I am watching Twitter explode over the whole Robert Pattinson "I'm allergic to vaginas" quote from the Details magazine interview. I'll be honest...... at first I didn't get it. I knew that it was a joke, but I just couldn't quite figure out why it was supposed to be funny. I certainly knew that he didn't mean he was gay. Maybe he just meant that there were so many exposed vaginas everywhere that it was a little overwhelming. Or that he doesn't really find them (and by them, I mean vajayjays) attractive so it was uncomfortable staring into one for hours and hours on end while a photographer took hundreds of shots of you with your head in some model's crotch.

The vagina allergy skin test--it's the big long one. That's what she said.

It wasn't until the quote finally made it to EOnline! (and a few tweets back and forth between @calliopeblabs and @robsessedblog) that I realized....

Allergies...redness...swelling...sensitivity....and these occured while spending an entire day being photographed around naked girls........totally naked girls showing their "front butts" (as my little cousin calls it).............HE WAS TALKING ABOUT AN ERECTION! Rob totally made a joke about the perils of getting erections while staring at front butts all day long. WHICH IS TOTALLY NORMAL.

Is your name Robert Pattinson? Then, yes....this is normal.

Oh, that is fantastic! Because I was worried for a minute there, that he really meant that he didn't like vaginas. But that's not what he meant at all! He meant that he was close to getting got hard doing this photoshoot. He's not gay, which is great for me because he still likes girls, and I'm a girl. And he's not a vag hater, which is also good for me because now I don't have to come up with ways to get rid of mine. He's a manly man who gets turned on by nekkid women, which when I don't have any clothes on, I am.

"There's a vagina behind me, isn't there?"

And then makes a joke about it that the 13-year-old boys in my 7th grade gym class made back in the late 90's. Which is one of the things that I like about Rob--that he can in one minute totally stimulate your mind with deep, thoughtful converstaions about his craft, and the next minute, tell you about getting wood or something coming out of his pants.

(Maybe it's the wood?)

Laters, baby.

Grey

snOwMG!

Yes, we know, we know...to much of the United States, snow is not a big deal. (In fact, you could say it was snow big thing....no? Ok, sorry.)

But the last time that Andee and I saw snow that lasted all day AND actually stayed on the ground was in 1993. We were like 8. That was 17 years ago.

So, yeah......it's a big deal.

Last night, we had to prepare for the coming SNOWMAGEDDON, meaning that we had to get ready for the 1 to 3 to 5 inches of the white stuff that would bring the Wiregrass to a screeching halt all day. (And it did---both of our entire families got a snow day!)

Remember, the last time this happened was in '93, so we may have been a little rusty.

I think that Grey has the wrong idea entirely. AND her toboggan has balls.

Andee put on every single piece of winter-wear she had. She may or may not have robbed a liquor store after this photo was taken.

So in the past few weeks, we've prepared for: 1) the Eclipse premier by going to the last weekend showing of New Moon and writing about what we thought, and 2) the 3 to 5 Inch Blizzard of 2010. Next up, we'll be getting ready for TwiCon Atlanta! We need awesome questions to ask the cast members, fun things to do to make the con more memorable, and ways to make Peter Facinelli think we are the cutest little tricks in shoe leather.

But not really "tricks," that's just an expression. I think it was used in Gone with the Wind. We are certainly NOT implying that we are looking for ways to hint to Dr. Cullen that we are prostitutes. That's never a good idea.

So This Crazy Thing Happened to Us the Other Day...

It's important for you guys to realize that what we're about to tell you is the absolute truth. We swear. None of these shenanigans going on.

So yesterday afternoon, Andee and Grey took off work and got together to discuss the various ways that we were going to get Peter Facinelli to absolutely adore us at the Atlanta TwiCon. We decided to do this over soup and salad at the Olive Garden in Dothan. There we were, in our little booth at the OG when suddenly--right after we had ordered our drinks but before we could tell the waiter we wanted the Italian Sampler appetizer--in walked Robert Freaking Pattinson. INTO AN OLIVE GARDEN. In Dothan, Alabama. True story.

Well, we just totally flipped the eff out. I mean, ROB in DOTHAN???? When would that ever freaking happen???? And it was happening right there, in an Olive Garden.
When You're Here, You're Almost Guaranteed To Bump Into A Celebrity, Whether It's Jessica Simpson, Taylor Lautner or Robert Freaking Pattinson. And You're Family.

WHAT WERE WE GOING TO DO? Could we go over and talk to him? No, we didn't want to do that. The man was trying to get some decent Italian food and anyway, he probably gets totally annoyed when people keep stopping by and interrupting his Tour of Italy to ask for autographs or pictures. So no, we couldn't just go up and bother him.

But then Grey came up with a plan, and her totally inappropriate stripper high heels were the key. The plan was this: Grey would walk past Rob's table like she was heading for the bathroom and then as she passed his table, she would TRIP, and bust her buns right in front of Robert Freaking Pattinson. He is totally a gentleman, and would have to get up and help her. Possibly her skirt would fly up too, which would be fine because she was wearing awesome underwear that day. How lucky is that? Andee would run from her table to help, and apologies would ensue: "Oh, gosh, I'm so freaking awkward, I'm so clumsy, thank you so much, oh no, I'm not really hurt, just embarrassed, well it is embarrassing, I mean, we totally know who you are, and I just totally planted my face on the floor right in front of Robert Pattinson AND showed you what Victoria's secret was, no, no really, I'm fine, no big deal, thanks again."

Not just for working the pole, but apparently also for meeting Robert Pattinson. Ooh, ooh, and PROM!

And he would be so concerned. In his head, he would think it was a little funny--I mean, someone is walking past you and all of a sudden they aren't there anymore BECAUSE THEY ARE FACE DOWN ON THE FLOOR right next to you. With their ass showing. But he wouldn't laugh until Andee started laughing at Grey, because friends can laugh at each other after they've just showed their almost bare bottom to famous people by accident. And then Andee would thank Rob for helping her friend and offer to buy him and the dude he's with (his agent, obviously) a beer.

Then Rob will tell us that we don't have to do that, it's fine, and we insist, and then he'd be a little embarrassed that these little poor girls are offering to buy a multi-millionaire a couple of brews, but we'll tell him that it would be an honor to purchase him a round or two, and then, in an attempt to endear ourselves to him with our quirkiness (because quirkiness is obviously what attracts Rob), we would explain to him how we'd do it....we'd go back to our seats and tell the waiter that we would like to send a couple of Heinekens to the gentlemen at the table across the room (we would totally have Rob's attention with the mention of the Heinee), and when the waiter brings them over to him, he has to look over at us and thank us with the traditional raising-of-the-beverage-plus-head-nod-acknowledgement. And then we'll both wink at him, so it won't be awkward because stuff like that probably happens to him all the time. And he'll think we're a little bit crazy, but he'll be intrigued.

It was an excellent plan.

And that's totally what we did, y'all. Grey faked the fall, Rob helped her, Andee rushed over, apologies commenced, beer was offered and the winks were winked. And then he looked at us like we're a little bit crazy, but was totally intrigued. Just like we planned.

Then he came over after his finished his Tour and asked us if we're from the area, and then said that he's working on getting a role in a movie about PePe, this awesome mule who changed the entire system for processing turpentine in south Alabama. Rob would play PePe's owner, Beau, whose farm is about to foreclose if he can't make the turpentine quotas on time. And PePe saves the day, y'all.

Hooray for PePe!

The plot was so awesome that we started crying (fine, it may have been from overexposure to His Holy Hotness, but it worked out great because he thought we were really touched by the story) and then, since it would be filmed on location here in Alabama, Rob offered us the chance to play the parts of the two sisters who run the town store and always have a sassy comment ready when Beau comes in to sell his turpentine.

We were floored, of course, and immediately accepted. Then Rob told us that he was supposed to by flying out of the Dothan Regional Airport on Friday, but that since it was supposed to snow anywhere from 1-6 inches in the Wiregrass that day, the flight would probably be canceled. Which meant that he had plenty of time to check out the surrounding area, and would we like to show him around??? And so we did.

We can't really say anymore, except that we may have shown him this really awesome field that would be perfect for Beau's farm. But it was kind of hard for him to see it, because it may have been dark. Because it may have been night time.

Rob also may have been drunk.

(Fade to black.)

P.S. All of this is totally true. Except the part about the snow. That is obviously a blatant lie. There's no way that it would actually SNOW six inches in south Alabama.

P.P.S. Ok, actually, the only part about this that was true was the part about the snow. IT IS TOTALLY GOING TO SNOW IN SOUTH ALABAMA. We know that some of our northeastern friends have been covered in it and are totally over it, but it hardly ever snows down here and actually sticks. The last time it stuck we were in the 5th grade. Friday will be the most exciting day of our lives.

P.P.P.S. We really need to buy bread. When it snows in the south, everyone buys bread, and then all the bread is gone.

Update on the P.P.P.S. Apparently all the bread is already gone, along with the eggs and milk. Snow Day = French Toast Day in the south.

P.P.P.P.S. Yes, all we wanted to do was tell you that it was going to snow here, but we had to make it relate to Twilight. So, basically......we apologize for this post.

Like We Needed Another Reason to Love Wal-Mart

Down south, Cotton used to be King. But those were the not-so-good ol' days. Today, we feel we can safely say that Wal-Mart is King. It's certainly the only place you can go and hang out after 9:00pm around here. (Except for the book stores, but they don't have a frozen food section, so they are not as cool.....GET IT?! We are soooooo funny.)

So this news today totally validates our high opinion of Wally World. (This is what we call it around the Wiregrass...maybe because every trip there is fraught with the same pitfalls those poor Griswolds experienced on their way to California? Or maybe we just love nicknames....come to think of it, our JUCO, Wallace Community College, is nicknamed Wally High. Maybe we just like the name Wally?)

I had NO IDEA the Griswolds were heading to Wal-Mart....

Today it was announced that our very own WAL-MART was going to offer The Twilight Saga: New Moon Ultimate Fan Edition DVD in March-the ONLY DVD to offer a sneak peek of Eclipse!!!! 7 whole minutes of footage, including behind-the-scenes on set, interviews, and a world premier of a scene from the movie!! Plus, another, slightly more expensive version has the Forks documentary included!

At 12:01am on March 20th, you can expect to find us trolling the aisles of Wal-Mart, getting our copy! Blu-Ray for Andee (because Andee's husband is OBSESSED with anything electronic...now that we think of it, they have 5 flat screens and no kids....kinda sad), regular for Grey, because Grey doesn't have a Blu-Ray player because Grey doesn't have an HD TV (She totally has the smallest TV anyone's ever seen, its so sad).......Grey will go to Andee's for the crystal-clear image of Edward's sparkly skin.

No, a Blu-Ray is NOT what Cougar Cathy used to change the color in Twilight! Stop listening to that woman!

NOT ONLY will Wal-Mart be offering this fab DVD, but they will also have new New Moon merchandise! Because what Andee and Grey both need more than anything else in the whole wide world is to own an Edward tank top (Hey, it's about to get hawt down here...have you ever experienced a summer in the south? My heavens, you'll wish you were never born). Nevermind the fact that we can't wear them outside the house. (We're not really "out" yet.)

Wal-Mart truly has our hearts. Where else in the whole wide world will you find both mullets and/or rattails so long you could tuck in your pants AND sneak peeks of Eclipse? Or how about pantsless ladies picking up a brand new Wolf Lover tank top? (We apologize for insinuating that this pantsless Wal-Mart lady was Team Jacob. But come on, you know she was!)

No where else.

BONUS! Andee and Grey's gtalk conversation about the Wal-Mart DVD!

Andee: OMY goodnesss the walmart version of new moon will have footage from eclipse!!!!

i repeat ONLY the walmart version !!!!!!!!!!!!

Grey: WHAT?

Andee: twicrack

*reads Twicrack*

Grey: crapaduck, how am i going to know which one to buy? I will have to buy 2!!!! I want the 3 disc target one AND the wal-mart one

Andee: i know... how about i buy the walmart one and you buy the target one and we can share

*About 30 seconds of "silence"*

Grey: but i have to OWN them both

i want to OWN them

i want them to be MINE

Andee: okay okay then i'll share yours :) GEEZ

Grey: they are totes trying to just get our money

Andee: they know that they'll get it!

TWI CON ATLANTA

Andee and I talk about Rob alot, because he's freaking hot and talented obviously, but we like other members of the whole Twilight phenomena, too. If we had to rank them, I guess we would say:

#1. Rob
#2. Kristen
#3. PETER!!!!!

I did this little ranking without Andee, actually, so I'll have to ask her what her top three Twilight actors are, but I'm pretty sure that it'll be the same. She probably won't have exactly the same level of girl-crush that I have on Kristen, though. But she would totally kick my butt if we ever had to battle it out over who got Rob first.

But we love us some Peter Facinelli. He's adorable, he's a great family man, he's an excellent actor, he can walk through some double doors like I don't know what, and he's the PERFECT Dr. Cullen. I always thought in my head that the way Steph described Carlisle (so young-looking) that he was supposed to look like he was Doogie Howser or something. Peter is a MUCH BETTER visual for Dr. Cullen than Neil Patrick Harris. (Although that is another fantastic entertainer right there!)

So Andee and I were freaking blown out of our office chairs yesterday afternoon when we checked the Twilight Convention website and found out that Peter was going to be in Atlanta!!!! We knew that it was imperative that we meet him--a necessity that we cannot afford to do without. And by "cannot afford" we really mean "can-totally-afford-but-are-supposed-to-be-saving-up-for-important-things-like-first-ever-homes-and-babies", so we had to get the permission from the hubby and the fiance.

They put up absolutely NO RESISTANCE, which automatically made us totally suspicious, but then we realized that we didn't care. We were going to meet Peter Facinelli. Tickets are purchased, hotel room reserved, vacation days requested. This. is. happening.


I'm sure that they're are lots of things about the convention that we will find funny, and we aren't going to everything. We'll take a pass on the Volturi Vampire Ball, but will totally check out Michael Welch performing Friday night with Peter hosting. We will totally tell Christopher Heyerdahl that he was the most boring actor we've ever seen (which he'll take as a compliment because Marcus is SUPPOSED to look bored!) and let Daniel Cudmore bench press us (I heart X-Men and I'm going to meet Colossus!) at the autograph table.




















We will try to make Kiowa Gordon actually SMILE and whip Bronson Pelletier into such a frenzy with our zany antics that it will put all those Wolfpack interview clips to shame. *Have you ever watched him in those New Moon press clips? He is jumping off the walls....I bet they had to slap him a couple of times just to bring him down a notch between interviews.* We will watch Michael Welch be silly and think that it's pretty freaking awesome for him to embarrass himself just to see a hotel ballroom full of Twilight fans smile.

























When we meet Peter, we're not totally sure what we're going to do yet. But definitely something illegal fangirly awesome. And you can BET on some awesome stories from March 5, 6 and 7!

New Moon Viewing #3, or Vampires + Kenny G = Awesome

This weekend, the Dynamic Duo of Andee and Grey were together again. Since Andee got married and moved almost 2 hours away from our hometown in 07, we have only seen each other like 12 times a year. *Wow, we just realized that 12 times a year is not a lot of times. That makes us sad.* So when we had to be hostesses with the mostesses for our friend’s baby shower, we turned the whole weekend into an Andee and Grey Go Wild In the Wiregrass extravaganza.

And we started that extravaganza with—oh, yes ma-am—New Moon.

We arrived at one of the local movie theaters at 6:35pm sharp for the 7:00pm show for New Moon. When we walked into the theater, we were totally alone. OUR OWN PRIVATE SCREENING OF NEW MOON!!! How VIP is that? It’s like they KNEW that we had started our own Twilight blog and needed the theater to ourselves to laugh at all the crazy comments we made to each other. We have NEVER been loud and obnoxious in a movie theater (plenty of other places, yes, but never in a movie theater) and we were so excited about our first chance to do it.

Grey made Andee go check out a black lump near the front of the theater, because she was positive that it was either a crazy person asleep, or a crazy person who stabs people in dark movie theaters. Turns out it was just a black garbage bag over a broken seat. Andee made us sit sort of in the middle of the theater (cause the screen wasn’t that big) even though Grey tried to tell her that if we sat in the back row, no one could sneak up on us while we were intently watching New Moon and strangle us with their necktie. Or shoelaces. Or whatever. Andee probably thought she had humored Grey enough by that point, and told her “no.” So we sat in the middle, but it was ok because more people came in and sat behind us, so Grey felt better because now THEY would get strangled/stabbed.

Dark crappy picture of Andee in the empty movie theater. Thank goodness we carry that fork around with us...Grey was totally going to use it in self-defense if anyone tried to strangle her.

And while we were a little bummed that we no longer got our private screening of New Moon, we were happy that there were still 8 people in the theater AND TWO OF THEM WERE GUYS! They came with their wives/girlfriends, and we’re almost positive that since we didn’t really see that eyes-glazed-over look that signals they were forced there against their wills (or in exchange for a good time, ifyouknowwhatimsaying),we just KNEW they were unicorns.

We freaking saw unicorns, y’all.

Anyway, the movie was just as good the 3rd time as the 1st and 2nd times. In fact, this time was the most awesome because we didn’t have strangers sitting next to us invading our personal space bubbles, or babies crying in the row behind us. It was peaceful.

Except us. We talked quite a bit, actually, but everyone was so spaced out (seat-wise, not like we all did drugs during the previews or anything…) that we don’t think we annoyed anyone. We hope. Err…we’re sorry if we annoyed anyone.

So here are some Things We Learned About New Moon the Third Time Around:

• That when Paul almost attacks Bella, and we see Jacob phase for the first time, Sam is no longer the leader of the wolfpack, but instead he is Squad Leader Sam Uley of the La Push Shirtless Sniper Brigade, Jort Division, directing his men using the classic miltary hand command to "stay back" while Jacob and Paul duke it out. You can't see it because they're off camera, but before Sam instructs Jared and Embry to take Bella back to Emily's, he first ascertains that the sitution is "all clear" and relays this information back to J and E through a complicated series of hand signals. But Embry is a little lazy (and may smoke pot, because he does kinda look stoned a lot of the time) and so he doesn't take the time to learn all of Sam's non-verbal commands, and instead wonders in confusion why Sam wants him to throw a curve ball.
  "No, Paul, I said to wait until after I gave you the hand signal."
  
  
• One of the sweetest scenes in the movie was totally ruined by Grey. When Jacob rescues Bella from the ocean and they are heading back to his house to change, Bella is cold. Jacob tells her "It's 108 degrees over here," and Grey busts out with "IN MY PANTS!" Thank goodness we'd seen the movie 2 times already or we would have missed something, because we couldn't stop laughing. And it was cold the whole weekend, so it never failed that one of us would remind the other that it was, in fact, 108 degrees in Jacob's pants.



Is that a thermometer in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

• Grey's Pet Peeve: That her favorite song on the NM soundtrack, Slow Life, was totally underused. Grey dreams of making out with Edward to that song, so she is always bummed that they play all of 10 seconds of it before Jake pulls Bella out of the water. Bella is about to die, people! She welcomes death because she won't have to miss Edward anymore! More angst! More flashbacks! More staring at Ghost Edward floating in the water, more last bubbles of air escaping Bella's lungs, more BELLA ALMOST DIED. And more Slow Life.


• Andee's Pet Peeve: That Jacob calls Bella "loca" when she shows up with the bikes, and also when Jacob says whatever he says to Bella in Quileute before they almost kiss. That was basically the most embarrassing, awkward, BATHOS thing in the whole movie.


• When Jacob takes his shirt off to help Bella after she crashes the motorcycle, if you watch him dab her head, you'll see that he's doing absolutely NOTHING for the bleeding, except maybe smear it a little bit. If you're going to go to the effort of Chippendaling your shirt off, at least use it to actually slow the blood flowing out of Bella's head.


• The smirk that Jane gives when Edward tells Bella to not be afraid when they are heading to see the Volturi. Jane. Is. Scary. People.


• AND THE WINNER OF THE SADDEST MISUSE OF COMEDIC TIMING goes to the Volturi elevator scene. We LOVE that Chris W. included it, and it was totally funny on its own merit (come on, people, 5 vampires trapped in an elevator with a human. Plus, the fact that they're VAMPIRES and they have to use ELEVATORS.) But we're saddened by the choice of Italian opera music instead of some fantastic Kenny G versions of today's greatest hits. Or would the Volturi prefer muzak?
  Love this, found it on the internets. Mad props to whoever did it.

Andee and Grey Practice for Eclipse

Tonight, Andee and Grey are together again!! See, we live in different towns, like almost 2 hours away. SAD.

But this weekend, we have some Real Life stuff to do together, like baby showers. But that's not until tomorrow. TONIGHT we are going to see NEW MOON again! It's only both our third time seeing it, second time together! We know that we are tragically far behind compared to other TwiHards, but Andee's hometown movie theater sucks, and Grey doesn't have anyone to go with. She's always had this lifelong fantasy of going to a movie alone, but is too afraid to do it because it contradicts her lifelong fear of being stabbed to death in an empty theater. She blames Scream 2.

Since we didn't have this blog when New Moon first came out, we wanted to be prepared for all the Eclipse madness! So we are going to the movies tonight to do a little research on how to correctly document a Twilight Saga movie.

Andee had a bad day at work and Grey told her it would be ok, because she was going to see Robward tonight. And it made her happy. And Grey is excited that the movie theater is probably going to be empty, so no one can sit next to her and invade her personal space.

Our little avatar/profile thingy is a picture of us at the premiere of New Moon. Here we are getting ready to head to the Eclipse Dress Rehearsal! Except there won't be any Eclipse. But you know what we mean.