Grey's Twilight FAIL, a.k.a. How Could Grey Be So Stupid?, a.k.a. WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU SMOKING, GREY?

Today, something awful happened: I committed a total FAIL when it comes to Twilight. It was so fail that I nearly broke down in tears in the “cards with sound” aisle at the Wiregrass Commons Mall Hallmark store. Honestly, I don’t know how it could have happened. I thought I was better than this…that I was a hardcore Twilight fan to the bone. But obviously, I’m not. True Twilight fans don’t have FAILS like this one, they only have WINS. (Or FTWs, which, up until a month ago, I thought stood for “F*** The World”. So you can imagine how confused I was every time I saw it.)

This cute little blue creature obviously just won the Tri-County Blue Creatures Spelling Bee (you can tell he's smart because of his glasses). This would not be the ideal time to tell the world to eff off.

Err….I should probably tell you what happened, shouldn’t I? Geez, I always wander off in the middle of my stories because my brain thinks of exactly 27 different things at one time. Like right now as I’m typing this, I’m sipping on a soft drink that has CRUSHED ICE, which is the best ice in the world, and I wonder why ALL ice doesn’t come this way? Because if ALL ice was crushed ice, then I wouldn’t have had to be trapped in my car this weekend with my fiancé while he occupied himself by DEMOLISHING huge chunks of ice with his BARE TEETH, chunk by chunk, with such rhythm that you could start a band. FOR THIRTY MINUTES.

Crushed ice. Beautiful.

I hate hearing people chew things.

What were we talking about again? Oh, right.

I think that I’m avoiding telling you this because it is so embarrassing. But since I started this post, and you’ve read this far down, it really wouldn’t be fair to stop now. So what happened was this: I was killing the last 15 minutes left in my lunch break by cruising the Hallmark aisles. I do this periodically to check for new Twilight cards. I already bought Andee’s Valentine’s card back in December. *Note: I’m glad I reminded myself of that. Now I have to remember where I put it…* Anyway, I check out the “Cards with Sound” aisle, and spot one! It has Edward on the front and it says something like, “I could never forget your birthday…” and on the inside it says, “it’s like I can read minds or something.”

And I didn’t get it. For like 5 seconds.

Five seconds is not a long time. Heck, your microwave couldn’t even get the frost off a Hot Pocket in five seconds. But it was an eternity when I realized what I had done. I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT EDWARD COULD READ MINDS. For five seconds.

In those five seconds, I believe this was my thought process: “Read minds? What? What is he…an X-Man or something? Read min…..OH MY GOD.”

And then I almost cried like a baby. I didn’t, but I wanted to. I didn’t even buy the card, my shame was so great. It was the single worst moment in my Twilight fan existence.

I am a smart girl. I was the valedictorian of my senior class and graduated college Summa Cum Laude. I have read the Twilight Saga—all four books—four times since May 2009. I have watched Twilight like 10 times, and New Moon twice. I realize how many different times Edward demonstrates his mind reading abilities. I know that the one of the reasons Edward is even interested in Bella is that he can’t read her mind. I know that Bella would have been eaten by James if Edward didn’t read his mind. I know that Edward would have continued to hate little fetus Renesmee if he couldn’t read her mind.

I'm so glad that I can't read minds so that I can continue to hate Renesmee...

I know all these things. And I can only offer this explanation for failing to remember Edward’s vampire power:

WE NEED MORE TWILIGHT.

Seriously, I NEED to see New Moon again. I NEED the New Moon DVD to hurry up and come out so that I can see behind-the-scenes footage and interviews. I NEED deleted scenes, oh man, do I need deleted scenes. I NEED to see Eclipse teaser trailers, or full-length trailers, or movie stills. The absence of new Twilight is contributing to lapses in my memory. It is affecting me MENTALLY. What other reason can there be for FORGETTING that Edward can read minds? It clearly means that I need more instances in which Edward DOES, in fact, READ MINDS.

This is all we have of Eclipse. Cherish it.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to me until then. I will try to self-medicate with re-readings of my Twilight books, or peeking through the Eclipse script again, or watching Twilight for the 11th time. But if there is some crazy shiz on this blog, don’t be alarmed. I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell.

Wait...what? Cowbell?

I mean, Twilight. The only prescription is more Twilight.

See what I’m talking about?

CRAZY THOUGHTS

Every once in a while (usually Monday's), we feel a little bent out of shape. I think it's because we would rather be lying on a bright sandy beach somewhere exotic while tanned, oiled manservants attend to our every whim and keep our Cosmo's filled instead of at work. So on those days, when we've got the cube blues (or the office-that-is-so-small-it-was-probably-really-a-closet-but-this-is-the-only-place-they-have-so-it's-now-my-workspace-GREAT-I-work-in-a-closet blues), the crazies pop into our heads.

Don't worry. We're ok.

Our crazies aren't harmful. Usually, they just serve to lessen some of the Monday Morning Anxiety, and are pretty funny. Nothing homicidal.

Yet.

Anyway, today's CRAZY THOUGHTS, courtesy of G-Mail Chat.

Crazy Thought #1: Are we those pyscho Robsteners that everyone makes fun of?

"OMG, Rob and Kristen's wedding would so look JUST. LIKE. THIS."

Grey: DID YOU READ AWFUL TRUTH? *Note: in reference to today's Awful Truth post about Robsten "taking a break"*

Andee: no....do i need to now?
Grey: yes...
*after reading*
Andee: i'm a sad panda :(
Grey: Do we believe it? *because, apparently, we must think as one*
Andee: i figure its very possible
Grey: Or do we know that Rob is working and Kristen is at home to promote her movies, etc.
Andee: yea they could still b "together" but apart...but that is a very long distance apart
Grey: This is what they did when she was filming runaways and he was filming remember me, and it was all "are they/aren't they" but Ted always said they were together then...and now he's saying that they're taking a break and it's the same situation
Andee: hmmmm....should we believe ted?
Grey: i don't know!!! he's always loved robsten, but he's probably just doing this just to get hits on his website, after all he IS a gossip columnist
Andee: yea your right about that
Grey: I don't want to be one of those crazy robsten people, but this makes me really, really sad
Andee: news flash grey....we are those crazy robsten ppl
Grey: NO! we are not those crazy robsten people that believe that their fairy tale love is as epic as edward and bellas, who believe that they really sit on a fur rug in front of a roaring fire and read poetry to each other i think that they get it on whenever they are together...i just hoped that they would be a "couple" not just eff buddies oh gah, i am a crazy robstener, aren't i? aren't i? why aren't you answering?
Andee: yes, cause you are thinking about them effing haha
Grey: no, no, thinking that they were hooking up is normal...thinking that they were in love and were a "couple" and wanted them to be that "couple" that went out to eat, and went on trips together, etc. IS crazy robsten behavior
Andee: yes and you are exhibiting that kind of behavior
Grey: Oh, gah, I am, aren't i?
*20 minutes later*
Grey: if rob and kstew aren't together anymore, i won't be able to watch twilight or new moon without crying, that's not crazy, right?
Andee: well its the truth for both of us so i'll only admit that its a teensy bit crazy

Crazy Thought #2 Wouldn't it be awesome if Grey were famous?

A.K.A. "The State of Alabama is a real Rob-blocker"

Grey: so rob is going to be in a slutty photoshoot with details magazine
Andee: by himself? *Note: the thought of Rob in a slutty magazine shoot by himself is awesome...and is holding us over until 5:00pm*
Grey: nope,with naked models like the one that adam lambert did that's what the twitter machine is saying
Andee: weird....kstew is going to b so jealous
Grey: i know! well she DID kiss dakota for runaways, so maybe this is rob getting even, also...you don't happen to feel like going to new york in march, do you? *Note: the hilarity that would be Andee and Grey alone in NYC is totally worth everyone who reads this sending in $ for plane fare...trust us*
Andee: wish i could...but i doubt i will be able to do much of anything until after june 30
Grey: ?
Andee: b/c ALL I repeat ALL of my work is due by june 30 this year which is the first year they have ever done this
Grey: that is crazysauce
Andee: yes. They. Is. Crazy.
Grey: But at least they knew that you were going to be busy watching Eclipse on June 30th, so they wanted it to all be over for you by then, that was really sweet of the State of Alabama
Andee: haha, that's true, you'd think since the state did that, then they'd be really big Twilight fans and understand why i need to go to new york for rememeber me. THE STATE OF ALABAMA IS LITERALLY KEEPING ME FROM SEEING ROB.
Grey: bwahahahaha, stupid jobs
Andee: i know...why do we have to WORK for a living....you need to find someway to be famous so i can follow you around and u could just work for like 1 mth a year
Grey: I KNOW well, since rob and kstew are maybe possibly "taking a break" this would be a good time to get into show business, meet rob, make him fall in love with me, and hire you as my manager
Andee: Yeah...
Grey: I will get right on that

Crazy Thought #3: What if Rob Falls in Love with One of his Costars in the Sexy Bel Ami?

"Aww, how sweet, Christina brought me a teddy bea-" NO, ROB, NO!! DO NOT FALL FOR THE RICCI!

Grey: Crazy thought--what if Rob falls in love with Christina Ricci??????????????? OMG!

Andee: But she was in BLACK SNAKE MOAN

Grey: and?

Andee: oh nothing, that title just makes me giggle, but hey, she WAS in our favorite episode of Grey's, with Bomb Squad Guy

Grey: OH YEAH, she was the idiot who took her hand out of the body so that mer had to be with the bomb, stupid little EMT

*Note: We realize that the lines above are spaced differently than the lines below. That was not a problem until we added the picture of Christina Ricci. We are blaming it on the Ricci. She is a Line Effer Upper*

Grey: Or UMA THURMAN?????
Andee: nope, nope, just.....no
Grey: You know...it was supposed to be Nicole Kidman
Andee: For realsies?
Grey: And you know how i love her, she is my movie twin, ever since i was in 7th grade and had that sun-in accident and turned my hair red, and HER hair was red, and I had those bangs that started at the top of my head and went all the way to my eyebrows, and SHE had bangs for Practical Magic, and everyone said i looked like her...they would still say it now if i hadn't gained 10 pounds since high school and she wasn't in her 40s....
Andee: I remember those bangs
Grey: so i would be ok with rob falling in love with nicole, seriously, i was really excited when i heard that she was supposed to be in it, and sad when she had a scheduling conflict
Andee: but then keith urban and rob would have to fight for nicole...and i think keith would win, cause rob's all uncoordinated and stuff
Grey: and that would be sad, to let an austrailian country music singer with long, straight-ironed hair beat the crap outta you...

Our Take on Outtakes

For your Friday afternoon delight, since everyone knows that NOBODY does actual work after lunch on Fridays, please feel free to linger over some of the recently released EW outtakes. Try not to be distracted from Mr. Sexy Britches (Rob's nickname of the day) by the awesomeness of our comments.

With all the drama on late night television, it was only a matter of time before Rob posed as Conan to help draw attention to Team Coco.

This is London's Best Dance Crew Rob, right after his dance crew just totally STOMPED their rival crew in the UK's hottest dance-off. "We are thebomb.com, yo!"

This is Drunk and Stumbly Rob, headed over to hit on you from across the bar. Rob: "Hey, mnames Bob...I mean, Rob. Djuwanna get outta here?" You: "Yes."

This is what Edward would look like ALL THE TIME had Stephenie Meyer decided that her vampires had fangs. So instead of being all hot and brooding, Fangward would look like someone farted.

The sequel to Drunk and Stumbly Rob--The Morning After Rob

Who wants to bet that this part of the EW shoot went like this:

Photographer: Ok guys, those last shots were amazing! Keep having fun with it, we want fun--smile, Kristen!!! Let's get some fun music in here! *opening strains of "What is Love" by Haddaway are heard*

Kristen: *rolls eyes*


Taylor: Aww, awesome!!! Night at the Roxbury!!! Chris Katan is a legend! How sweet is this?!!! *bobs head repeatedly before trapping Kristen between himself and Rob* Me? You? Him? You? Him? Me? Who, me? Him? Me? You?


Rob: *confused*


Kristen: I'm gonna need to take a break before the pelvic thrusting begins.


Rob: *confused*

"Umm....Mr. Pattinson? You have a little....uhhh....Hot Pocket.....in the corner of your mouth. No, other side...."

Is this Rob's O-face? I'll be sure to remember that for future dream reference. You know it is...it's just like that bathos scene in New Moon when Edward grunts at Bella.

Rob doing his best Taylor impression.

Rocky Rob. "Yo, Adrienne!!!" (There is an inside joke there, but we can't tell you what it is. Because then it would be an outside joke.)

Rob remembering that time when Cougar Cathy told him about her dream....that he was in..."I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth."

Zombie Rob doing the Robot. "Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust...eat.....BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS....to Top 40 pop music while doing the only dance move that dorky white guys know how to do"

We grabbed all these from Robsessed. Thanks for the one-stop-shop for all our Robert Pattinson needs!

P.S. Dear Blogger,

Your randomness when it comes to spacing is giving us whiplash. Can you please not be on crack while we're trying to post?

Thanks,

Andee and Grey

Rob and a Wall. What does that make YOU think about?

We joke about Lower Alabama, but we do it with love. To tell you the truth, it's not that bad. While we definitely don't have all the fancy-schmancy things that a New York or a Los Angeles has, we work with what we've got.

And what Dothan, Alabama, has is the officially sanctioned vandalization of public property.

Boy, thug life sure loses it's edge when it's okie-dokie with The Man.

No, Dothan doesn't have gangs who tag our buildings (which we are very thankful for). What we do have are a bunch of downtown buildings with murals all over them. In fact, Dothan is a "Mural City." A local artist has painted 19 murals on buildings, each depicting a different piece of Wiregrass History.

Here's one honoring the Peanut, featuring Dr. George Washington Carver and the National Peanut Festival:

And another depicting the abduction of Elizabeth Stewart Dill, the only female survivor of an Indian attack on a U.S. Army supply boat:

Grey gets to work in a building that has BOTH sides painted with murals. One side shows the oldest African Methodist Episcopal Church in Alabama:

And the other side has Country Music legends:

Here is my favorite mural, dedicated to that most noble of animal--The Mule.

"Hey, Shrek, I'm on a mural!"

Ok, so while each mural showcases an important piece of Wiregrass history, some of them are pretty funny, like The Ode To Mules above. Another one you have to love is the Turpentine mural. Yes, that's right--an artist spent weeks depicting the once-great importance of turpentine. We hope everyone can appreciate the irony of it taking weeks to paint a mural about turpentine.

Turpentine, while a very important part of Wiregrass commerce back in the Stone Age, is kind of boring. We wish that they would let us choose some of the mural subjects. Then you would have awesome murals like this one:

OMG, Taylor is such a showoff.

Now this mural would really pull in some tourism.

Reason #3 Rob Should Visit Lower Alabama: Have You Ever Eaten a Fried Hot Pocket?

One day back when the little-film-that-could, Twilight, was being promoted, Robert Pattinson expressed his fondness for the Hot Pocket. Today, through the power of the Internet and the hilarious conjectures of our favorite Twilight bloggers, it is now a well known fact that Robert Pattinson's favorite food is Hot Pockets. Because if you read it on the Internet, it must be true.



We know he would prefer to eat Hot Pockets over any other type of cuisine. We know that he saves his Hot Pocket boxes to make forts. Who knows what kind of kinky Hot Pocket stuff goes on when he and Kristen are alone? (Hot Pocket Wax? Hot stone Pocket massages? "It's My D*** in a Hot Pocket" digital shorts? WHO KNOWS?

Can you read the label? I bet Rob has this tatooed somewhere, with a little tiny Hot Pocket underneath it.

Bottom Line: Rob + Hot Pockets = True Love. We bet that Rob has had his Hot Pockets every-which-way...except one. The best one of all. Which brings us to today's Reason Rob Should Visit Lower Alabama:

WE WILL DEEP FRY HIS HOT POCKETS. (If Rob was reading this, he just fainted. We bet that's the sexiest thing a woman has ever said to him.)

If Rob didn't faint, we will give him a moment for this to sink in. We. Will. Deep Fry. Your. Hot Pockets.

"Oh, the delicious possibilities!"

See, folks in Alabama love their food fried, which is probably the main reason that we're one of the most obese states in the nation. But you can't deny that anything fried tastes so much better. Our grandmother's knew how to get us to eat our vegetables--fry them! In fact, you can deep fry ALL the major food groups:

Meats

Fried Chicken, Country Fried Steak, Fried Pork Chops, Fried Ham (fried ham, fried ham, cheese and bolegna and, after the the macaroni, we'll have HOT DOGS, pickles and lettuce, and then we'll have some more fried ham, fried ham...............ok, we're done.)

Also included are Meat Subsitutes: Fried Spam, Corn Dogs, HOT POCKETS (All Fried Meat products go directly to the Southern girl's right love handle)

From the makers of the Vampcicle...The Spamcicle! Deep fried spam on a stick. Yum-o!

Milk and Dairy

Fried Cheese Sticks, Fried Ice Cream (Left love handle)

How do you fry ice cream? It makes no sense.

Fruits and Vegetables

Fried Squash, Zuccini, Okra, Eggplant, mushrooms, French Fries, Fried Apples, Peaches, Fruit Pies (Butt, hips and thighs)

Fried okra is the best! Regular okra not so much.

Grains and Breads

Fried Corn Bread, Fried Corn Nuggets (Right to the stomach. Oh, wait--that's the beer gut. Nevermind.)

You bake regular corn bread. But you can also fry it. It's better fried, obviously.

Fats and Oils

Fried Snickers, Fried Twinkies, Fried Oreos, Fried Elephant Ears, Fried Doughnuts, FRIED COKE, (Creates double, triple, quadruple chins.)

Fried Oreos

Fried Coke, another miracle ignoring the laws of physics.

Fried Snickers.

So you see, we are expert deep fry specialists down here in the South. (Well, WE aren't. When we fry things, like pork chops, we catch them on fire and set off the smoke detector in our college apartment and have to end up taking it off the wall and opening all the doors and windows to get the smoke/smell out. But our grandmomma's are pros.) We've got the Fry Daddy, Rob....all we need is you.

Any other deep fried nightmares we've missed? Let us know what you've had at the county fair!

Random Southern Observation

It's been raining pretty hard here for about 24 hours. This morning on my way to work, I was listening to the dude on the radio talk about flooded roads. Which by flooded, he just meant that water was going over the road at certain points.

Except for one road...

Apparently, the amount of water present near this road was enough to knock a fence down. A fence that was used to contain cows.

So, yes.

Not only was there water in the road, but there were also cows in the water. In the road.

The dangers of flooding in Lower Alabama.

It's the cow from Twister!

Laters, baby! Grey

UPDATE: OMG, y'all. One of the cows DIED. I am so sorry that I even did this post.