Andee's Birthday's Coming Up...What Useless Piece of Plastic Will Grey Get Her? (Inside Joke, related to a really old Dana Carvey stand-up show on Comedy Central that A and G FREAKING LOVE)

Next week is Andee's 25th birthday, and she's really excited!! She is constantly on Grey's ass to throw her the most awesome birthday bash this tiny town has ever seen, since Andee threw Grey an awesome surprise party that Grey knew all about because Andee told her what was going on so that Grey could essentially plan her own party because Grey is anal like that party last November.

We asked a couple of days ago for your ideas for presents for Andee. We got one lovely suggestion of a piece of toast dressed up like a vampire, and Grey is totally going to make that for Andee. She practiced last night and only set the smoke detector off once. Because nothing says "I Care Deeply" like a homemade gift. Made from a piece of toast. Dressed up like a vampire.

We've come up with a few more suggestions of awesome Twilight themed gifts that Grey could get Andee, and--how neat is this--they all fit into the theme of A Twilight Night At Home with the Hubby.

Every great evening at home with the hubbster starts out with a delicious homecooked meal, so Grey's first gift, this fantastic Twilight cookbook, will surely give Andee a recipe so divine, Hubby will be putty in her hands.

Page after page of Twilight inspired dishes, like Mushroom Ravioli, Chicken Enchaladas, Steak and Baked Potatoes, Lasagna...if a meal was mentioned in Twilight, it's in here!* And to top it off, the author's last name is MEYER(s), too! What a douchy way to cash in on sort of sharing Stephenie's last name coincidence!

*Note: We don't know what the hell kind of recipes are in here. You know we just make crap up sometimes.

Next, after Hubby is well fed, it's time to get him in "the mood." And the best way for Andee to do that is with Grey's next gifts: A Twilight bra and pack of condoms! (Cause Grey is a slutty whore who likes to make sure others get their slut on, too.)

 Even though we're total sexual deviants, we're not going to get into a discussion of how Andee is supposed to use these. Everyone can use their own imagination about how Andee and her husband do it, ok?

There may be one problem with the bra and condom gift, however. Andee's hubbster doesn't particularly like Twilight. In fact, he may or may not be one of those guys that absolutely loathes Twilight. Ok, fine...he is one of those people. Probably just because Robert Pattinson is so freaking hot. Guys are so jealous...and they call us catty. You haven't heard catty until you hear a guy talk about how "gay" Robert Pattinson is.

So unless Andee seduces Hubby in the dark, if he finds a Cullen crest buried in between her boobs, or sees the Twilight condom wrapper, she's toast, and not the adorable Edward Cullen kind, either. He'd probably kick her out of bed. And if that's the case, Grey's last gift is something that Andee can snuggle up with to help ease the lonely night. 

A snugtastic Edward crochet doll!!

The description for this handmade marvel:

Team Edward!

This 100% cotton, hand-crocheted 14" doll comes with a flaxseed and dried lavender filled stomach. This snuggle Edward even has glow-in-the-dark skin.

After all...Real Men SPARKLE!

To make Edward ice cold and experience him the way Bella gets to, just put Edward in the freezer so his flaxseed chest will get nice and cold.

And all this time we thought Edward's chest was made of rock hard abs.

Falling in Love is Hard on the Knees...(please insert your own sex joke here)

Last week, Andee told you guys that she picked up Twilight for the fourth time. Well, a couple of days ago Grey finished her book series, so she decided to--what else?--pick up Twilight again.

We're not totally sure how many times we've read the Twilight Saga combined, but it doesn't matter. We still get that same rush when Edward first talks to Bella in biology. Maybe not as strongly as the very, very first time we read it, but close. We especially love how a young adult vampire book has the ability to take us, two ol' married/long-term relationshiped gals right back to those first love-filled moments with our significant others.

Andee's Story:

It all started at my apartment a week before Valentine's Day 2005, when I went downstairs to fuss at our neighbors about their loud music. I was a student at Troy University, and in between all the drinking and napping, I actually needed to study. I was cool with telling the downstairs neighbors to shut the heck up, because I had become friends with the them. I'll call them the Troy Boys. Sadly, once I got down there to tell them to stifle themselves, I ended up staying to watch a movie...and cuddle on the couch with a REALLY HOTT GUY that was one of their friends! (A side note: We still fuss about that first meeting because he told me that he "loved to cuddle" but he now denys it...but he said it. My little cuddler.)

Well, I felt kinda bad for all the cuddling with Hott Guy because I was actually supposed to be "dating" a bull rider named Teddy (short for Thedore, don't judge), hoping it would turn into something serious. I even got Teddy a Valentine's Day card. However, he ended up ditching me and leaving town. I was Valentineless. So the Troy Boys and I decided to have a singles Valentine's Day party, only after I made sure that Hott Guy was going to come to the party. Come to find out years later, Hott Guy asked the Troy Boys if "that hott girl" was going to the party, too.

To make things short and sweet (and because I can't really remember much and in the next three words, you'll see why) we all got REALLY DRUNK and I forced Hott Guy down on the couch and kissed him! And then we made out on the floor in the living room, which nobody else really remembers because EVERYONE WAS PASSED OUT. Around 3:00 a.m. he walked me upstairs and told me "I understand that you are seeing someone right now, and I just wanted you to know that we can still be friends, it doesn't have to be weird."

The next day I had a LONG talk with my Teddy and decided that I really liked Hott Guy much better so I called him that night and we've been together since, for six years. We still make out on the floor sometimes.

Grey's Story:

I was a junior in high school and one of the nerds on the Scholars Bowl team. In my defense, my cousin had talked me into it, but secretly…I loved it. At my very first competition, I was placed on the first-string team—the smartest of the nerds. It was awesome. But during the competition, I got moved to the second-string team, something I was not happy about. It wasn’t that I was sucking or anything….apparently, the other team needed my mad brain skillz.
The second-string didn’t do too badly. During the day, we played against a high school that I had never heard of, from about an hour away. The entire team was made up of guys, and since there weren’t that many attractive girls there (ok, fine, there weren’t even that many actual girls there…), I was pretty hot stuff that day.

The captain of the other team started trying to show off by saying random answers—like John Smith or Brad Pitt--to questions he didn’t know. I thought it was lame. There was a really cute guy sitting next to him that kept trying to give him the correct answer, but Captain Idiot was too busy to listen to him, and so...we kicked their asses.

Afterwards, Captain Idiot and Correct Answer Cutie came over to chat, and I got more and more into Correct Answer Cutie. We would meet between matches for the rest of the day to talk. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye, hoping that I could see him again at the next competition.

But as I headed for the door, I realized I couldn't leave it to chance, so I did the most awesome thing I have ever done in my life: I walked up to him, took off my sticker name tag, smacked it on his chest, wrote my number on it and told him to call me. Then I turned around and walked away.

He called me that night. We talked for 4 hours. And we're still together, 8 and a half years later. If I hadn't moved to Forks let my cousin talk me into joining, if I hadn't  been forced to sit next to that creepy but hot Cullen dude change teams and if I hadn't been born with an irresistable scent and mysterious mind that would one day give me the power to stop potentially awesome vampire showdowns before anything good happens shown a tremendous amount of balls, that never would've happened.

I have no funny title for today. Sorry.

So something pretty big happened last week. Yes, the Eclipse trailer was debuted on Oprah, which is SO WEIRD but whatever. It's out, and that's all we care about. We didn't get to watch it multiple times together while over-analyizing the crappola out of it because the weather was supposed to be deadly on Saturday, so Grey decided to stay home. (And while it was deadly for many people who are in our prayers in Mississippi, the sun shined on us all day long. Yes, we are lucky.) Which was probably good, because we're not sure how safe Andee feels around Grey anymore. (P.S. Andee's birthday is coming up. Hopefully, when she opens her present from Grey, it will not contain a dismembered head. Hopefully.)

Anyway, we had to watch the trailers all alone on Friday. Grey was such a fantastic friend and shared all the links to the various versions of the trailer that came out with Andee--from the obligatory taping of the tv that showed up first to the high quality version on Oprah's website. And then she was an even better friend by ruining Andee's viewing of every version by G-Talking "OH MY GAH OMG OMG OMG" at the end of every trailer, distracting Andee's view. Poor Andee.

And even better, we got new promo photos from Eclipse, too! Sure, Edward looked like a Justin Timberlake wannabe, and Bella was repping Hollister, and Jacob had his shit-stomping boots on, but you know they're awesome. We especially love the way that Bella has less of a "damsel in distress" attitude about her and more of a "I'm only days away from becoming one of the living dead, and then I will be able to kill you and also have sex with my boyfriend" look going on. We like it.

The Eclipse website went live, too! And we found this fantastic image of Rosalie!!! She looks the best she's ever looked in a photo, which is sad because she's supposed to be, like, the most beautiful person ever. When imagining Rosalie, we admit we saw a supermodel. Not that Nikki Reed isn't pretty, she is. She's just not, like, the most beautiful person ever. She has the bitch part nailed, though. Alice's sleeves are a little poofy. There's nothing wrong with poofy sleeves, they just make her upper arms look a little big. And big props to Esme for getting some more face time!

We did find this photo of Jane a little creepy, and it's probably because of the smirk. Yes, it's an evil smirk, but we don't think of Jane as being an evil smirker. An evil grinner, maybe, but not a smirker.

That's our take on the Fabulous Friday we had looking at all the new Eclipse goodies!! It's almost 2 months away and we're ready for more!!!

Note from Grey--Any ideas on what to get Andee for her birthday? (She got me some New Moon merchandise since my birthday was the day before New Moon came out in theaters. Best birthday present ever, Summit.) How about a gift certificate to get a hellawesome Twilight tattoo? Or what about a Forks High School cheerleader uniform? I need some suggestions, people. 

This Friday, I Give You What You Want (what you really, really, want). No, this post doesn't have anything to do with the Spice Girls. Sorry I misled you.

I am totally cheating today, because it's been a long, meeting filled day and I hope to just take a nap in my cubicle without anyone noticing. I should be fine unless I snore. I don't think I snore...but I sleep alone at the moment, so there's no way I can know for sure. One day, I will leave my Mac's photo booth on video and see.

Instead of providing you with a witty post, I'm going to give you another chance to watch the Eclipse trailer!!! Yay!!! I personally have watched it like 10 times today, and am heading to Andee's this weekend (unless the bad weather we're supposed to get is really bad) and we will watch it over and over and over and deliver our review to you next week.

And now that the trailer has come out and introduced us to a few of the more naughty Twilight characters, we will be working on our special weeklong bloggy event, that we hope you guys find extremely entertaining.

So for your enjoyment, here's the Eclipse trailer again:

This here. Click it. See what happens. (It will be the Eclipse trailer, I promise. Not a penis.)

It's just a dumb link, because no matter what I do, I can't get it to fit in the column. I can't let you guys watch only 2/3 of the screen. You'd miss seeing newborn vampire #3 on the far right getting his face ripped off by a wolf.

Just kidding, I didn't see anything like that.

Love you all and have a good weekend,

Grey

P.S. Please don't forget to check up with Andee on Monday. I haven't had any more weird dreams, but I would love to have some accountability partners. You know, to give me the incentive not to chop her head off in the middle of the night. Cause apparently (see above), I'm kinda violent. Thanks.

To read, or not to read: that is the question

Last night I was lying in bed and COULD NOT fall asleep (my husband def didn't have that problem, I could tell he was asleep by his SNORING)...

And if you were wondering...NO, I did not dream of decapitating "Grey the hitchhiker"...although I really should have for pay back purposes!

Finally I just had enough of it and left the room and got in my "reading" chair. I had no idea what I was doing because I HAVE NOTHING GOOD TO READ right now...

until....

I glanced at the coffee table where low and behold I saw "Twilight"....this was my thought process:

"Andee, Twilight is sitting right over there...why don't you just pick it up and read it for the 4th time?"

"No, You've read it 4 times, why would you really want to read it again?"

"You know you want to, it's like a drug to you bwahahahah!"

"Andee, don't do it what if this 4th time makes a difference and start getting *cringe* tired of it?"

"Are you kidding? You could never get "TIRED" of Twilight!"

So I picked it up anyway and read the whole first chapter...

And got completely hooked AGAIN!

I wonder how long this will go on? What do you think?

Ode to the Stew

I've usually been a pretty individualist person, but probably more so now than when I was in high school. I was probably as unique back then as any other high school varsity cheerleader/valedictorian/parakeet owner/Buick driver/scholar's bowl member/drunk party girl from a small town. (Which is, actually, not very unique for where we come from...the two previous valedictorians at our school were also cheerleaders. Our cheerleaders were smarties. Gimme An "A"! Oh, and a lot of them also drank. Go figure.)

I only remember wishing I could be more like two people growing up. The first one was Melissa Joan Hart in Clarissa Explains It All. Oh, boy, did I want to be like Clarissa. The hair, the clothes, the room, her pet alligator...I used to find the most effed up clothes and jewelry I owned and threw them all together. I probably looked like a hobo in tiny Troll doll earrings and a side ponytail.




The second person wasn't famous, she was a girl at our high school. She was--and still is to me--the prettiest high school student I had ever known. She was a cheerleader, too, but also a real rebel--a little bit of a stoner, hung out with inappropriate boys, generally was wild and crazy. (Secret: Andee was in love with her little brother.) My parents were way strict, so I couldn't mimic her in those ways, but I did the one thing I could do to be more like her--plucked my eyebrows into itty bitty almost non-existant lines. Big mistake in hindsight, but I thought it was SO AWESOME back then.

And now, here I am at 25 years old, finding myself mimicking yet another person. I thought by now, I'd be 100% Grey. But I can't help but want to be a little more like Kristen Stewart.

When I first got into Twilight, I was only "meh" about Kristen. I thought she was just average looking, kinda weird maybe, a little standoffish, and I certainly didn't like her taste in clothes. But then I watched the MTV Movie Awards, and when she almost kissed Rob and dropped her award and said that PERFECT line, I fell in love.

I also may have found my celebrity upper arm twin.

Now, I've got my Fauxbans. (Not real Raybans...I am fearful that the Fashion Police will call them uncool right after I shell out the $130. Tell me they'll be in style forever and I'll ask for some for a wedding present.)

I've got a pair of teal Converse sneakers.

My favorite watch (and I got this before I knew KStew had one that looked like it, I SWEAR) has a white face, gold trim and leather strap. I love wearing my Bella St. Jude bracelet. I have it on today.

I wear lots of skinny jeans, and lots of blacks and greys and whites, with oversized shirts. (Which I do not tie at the hip. KStew wouldn't either if she had been old enough during the great t-shirt-tied-at-the-hip-with-a-hair-scrunchi-or-pulled-through-a-plastic-ring debacle of the early 1990's.)

I had even given up graphic tee's, associating them with my early college years, only to find that since I've seen Kristen rock them, I want some too. My favorite one now is a sparkly zebra tee. I like to watch the sparkles dance around my car and think that if I was a vampire, that's what my skin would look like.

The latest KStew photos. I wonder if Rob will end up in that hat?

I can't do everything like the the Stew. I can't date Rob Pattinson. I can't wear black tennis shoes. I. Just. Can't. I would never cut off my long hair that's been growing out since 2003 and finally looks fantastic into a mullet. And I can't bitchface that much, because I am too nice. I like to give smiles instead of bitchfaces. But I love me some KStew.

And I'm so thankful she has normal sized eyebrows.

G.

Grey is Officially Creepy. Also Never Invited Over to Andee's House Ever Again.

This weekend, I had a crazy dream. I haven't told Andee about it, because it was pretty disturbing. This will be the first place she reads it. Also, it has nothing to do with Twilight, but I figured that you guys could deal with that for one day. (Or not...who knows? I may find some way to work in Twilight further down the paragraphs.)

It started out innocently enough. I was in my car, driving through construction on the main highway that runs through the little town I live in. (Didn't have an Edward to get me through it this time, though. Dang. P.S. Mentioned Twilight in first paragraph. Points for me.) It's a weekday and I must be in either high school or college, because I am thinking about a book report/research paper that I have to have finished and need to turn in for a grade. As I was driving along, I noticed a hitchhiker on the side of the road.

Dude really shouldn't stick his arm out in traffic like that. Although his fist *is* bigger than that smart car...

Now I would normally NEVER pick up hitchhikers alone. Or ever, period. I've seen the commercials for too many scary movies that start out that way. (The commercials only, because I NEVER watch the movies.) I hate it for you awesome, normal, cool hitchhikers, but the psycho smelly killer ones ruined it for the rest of you. But this hitchhiker was a girl. She had workout shorts on, with a fuzzy light green fleece jacket and a navy blue ball cap covering her blonde ponytail. I would love to say that's why I pulled over, because she looked nice. But the real reason was because she looked EXACTLY LIKE ANDEE DID IN HIGH SCHOOL. I realized this in my dream. So I picked her up.

Cute chick looking for a ride? Sure. Scary guy with an ax? No.

Now I don't know what I've been reading or watching lately, but I don't see how anything could have led to what happened next in the dream. One minute, I'm picking up the Andee look-a-like....

....the next minute, her decapitated head is riding shotgun in my passenger seat.

And I am freaking the f*ck out.

Obviously, I have murdered this poor hitchhiker that looks like Andee and cut her head off as a souvenir. And I now have a problem--how am I going to get out of it?

The rest of the dream is not important--it is me trying to drive the decapitated head of the nameless vagabond twin of Andee to Jacksonville, Florida (Score! Another Twilight reference. Also where I lived from ages 1 to 5) knowing that if I turn in the book report/research paper, that it will be counted as evidence and trying to find out ways to lie about it and not have to go to jail for murdering homeless people.

What IS important is this:

Andee, am I ever invited back to your house again?

I swear I won't remove your head from the rest of your body.

Grey

Grey's attempts at scoring an O.........prah ticket for her and Andee. Geez, ya'll have dirty minds.

Tuesday night I was cruising Twitter like a 16-year-old with the windows down and the stereo up, playing a little Jay-Z and Jermaine Dupre "Money Ain't A Thang" loud enough that there would be no way to hear a  policeman coming up on my rear (I'm not even going to say "That's what she said."), but not so loud that whatever bass my 1988 Buick LeSabre sedan had in it would tickle my palms as they grip the steering wheel. (No, I was not on Twitter while driving. It was an attempt at a metaphor. Or something. I don't even have the Buick anymore. Anyway, it obviously didn't work. I'll move on now.)

I saw on Twitter that Oprah was looking for Twilight fans. Now, I had already seen this news somewhere before, but this time I decided to check it out. When I went to her website, you could fill out an application to be featured on a show devoted to the wonderful fans of Twilight. I didn't have anything else to do, so I applied.

Wow. Oprah and Stephenie Meyer. I bet TV broke that day.

Now I know that spread out all over this crazy ball we call Earth, there are much more deserving Twilight fans to be featured on Oprah than Andee and I, fans who have gone to great lenghts for their love of Twilight. But it couldn't hurt to send something in anway. Who knows? Maybe the secretary of the personal assistant to the assistant producer of Oprah's show would actually read it, and something good would come out of it.

"I have people to read my mail to people who type the transcripts of my mail and then they e-mail them to people who forward those e-mails to other people who print out the e-mails and put them in color-coded folders that get placed on a desk in an office at the back of Harpo studios. I don't know what happens to them after that."

So I wrote:

I was introduced to the Twilight Saga by my best friend Andee. I had been resistant to her many attempts to get me to read the books, but finally, while on vacation in Florida, she held me captive under a beach umbrella with no reading material other than Twilight. I had a choice: read Twilight or watch seagulls. The seagulls eventually got boring, so I picked up the book.

By the end of the first chapter, I was hooked.


All I could think about was Twilight. And Edward. Ok, fine--and Robert Pattinson. It was like I was in love with him or something.

And then I realized I was.


I had fallen in love with the character of Edward right along with Bella. I think that's why people like and can identify with these books so well: it reminds them of the first time they fell in love. Your man may not be Edward Cullen, but he’s pretty close. Except for the whole undead thing.


Andee and I spent so much time talking Twilight, we decided to create a blog: www.welcometoforksyall.blogspot.com, two Southern girls' humorous perspective of the Twilight Saga. We''re not super famous bloggers or anything, but that's ok. We like what we do--it helps us not only entertain ourselves, but also really stimulates creativity. I write freelance for a local magazine, and the best article I've ever written came after the creation of the blog. Plus, we've made really wonderful online friends who are smart, funny and very supportive, and we have come to love them. A lot.

We spend so much of our lives on Twilight-related stuff, but we wouldn't have it any other way. As Edward says, "You are my life now." We realize this will only last as long as the movies do, and we're a little sad knowing that one day, it will all be over. So we're trying to enjoy the mad, crazy, fantastic moments while we still can.

We would love to be featured, but we know there are so many worthy fans out there that may better exemplify the Twilight Fandom. But tickets to the Twilight Fan show would be a pretty sweet consolation prize.


Give us another mad, crazy, fantastic moment, Oprah.

*Crossing our fingers that the secretary to the personal assistant of the assistant producer can hook us up.*

Please give us tickets, Oprah. We will be good. We won't jump on your couch.

It was a Sign...like a giant fork in the sky.

Short post, but I know everyone's ok with that, because you're all busy staring at KStew's new Flaunt magazine photos.

Real life has been pretty hectic for Andee and me lately, with me BUYING MY FIRST HOME (haven't closed yet, but hopefully everything will go through ok) and Andee getting her work ethic back because her job is now secure. So YAY us, but we're still pretty freaking busy.

And with no new Eclipse news, we feel like our mayo jar of awesome sauce is getting a little low. And that gets us down. Are we still funny? Are we doing a good job? Are people reading? Is this worth it? These are the questions I guess every blogger asks themselves when life away from the computer steals all their time.

But then you go to Pier 1. And you find this:

A GIANT FREAKING FORK.

And you know. YOU JUST KNOW.  That everything you're doing is right. It is good. You're reminded that you freaking love Twilight and Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner and Peter Facinelli and everyone else connected to the Saga. YOU LOVE EVERY FRIEND you've ever made on Twitter and Blogger, you love everyone who comments. You just love sharing your love of Twilight with others. YOU LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT BLOGGING.

Seeing the giant fork was like a big wave of renewal for a spirit that was staggering under the weight of purchase agreements and home inspectors and writing big, fat checks, of maybe losing your job or repaving your driveway or whatever. It was a reminder of how wonderful writing this blog is, because of you guys.

So thank you, Forkheads.

And thank you, Pier 1.

The Mayo Jar of Awesomesauce is refilled.

Grey

Pulling a Bella in the Board Room

You would think a board meeting would involve these sweet treats.......

But NO....I work for the State of Alabama and we can't afford luxuries like those! Instead it's this:

So yesterday I pulled a Bella/KStew at work....See, I am an auditor for the state, and I audit local community colleges. Yesterday, I had a board meeting where I met with CFOs and Presidents and stuff at one of my colleges (and I completely speak that way, ask Grey, I'm embarassing in public)...

You wouldn't believe this if you were to ever meet me, but I am deathly afraid of PUBLIC SPEAKING! I actually took my Speech Class for College ONLINE....I went in ONE time to do ONE SPEECH and ALMOST PUKED EVERYWHERE! (Don't be ashamed--didn't Brando take that same class?? Grey)

Well I "uuhhed" and "ummmed" through the whole thing meeting, all while turning more and more bright red....BUT THANKFULLY I didn't drop anything....

...unlike some people would have, so I give myself PROPS! (I bet it was actually kind of cute, like KStew! This was the exact moment I fell in love with her, btw. Grey)

But even though I didn't drop anything, I did have my boss lean over during the meeting and tell me that the point I was trying to make was "color-coded right in front of me."

I basically ended up feeling LIKE A BIG DUMMY and EXTREMELY awkward all the way home from work yesterday!

And then thought....WOW this would be a really good POST!!! I can make fun of myself for others' enjoyment....HEY, WHY NOT?

Andee

*Note from Grey: We all have "Bella" moments in our lives. Mine actually got me picked up by a fireman. Being Bella has its advantages...do YOU have any "Bella" moments?


P.S. How many of you thought of The Office when you saw "Bella" and "board room" in the same sentence????? :)

Phoning this one in, guys

Andee has abandoned me today. She audits state community colleges, and is at a conference this afternoon. So I am alone.

And idea-less.

That doesn't happen too very often. Usually, there is no end to the absolute insane randomness in my brain. I can almost see Twilight EVERYWHERE, (it doesn't hurt that it actually is almost everywhere anyway...) like that time early on in my Twilight "career" that I wandered into Bath and Body Works and found their Twilight Woods collection, which smelled kind of strong, but would make a perfect seduction fragrance for that certain undead someone in your life. Or that time I was on People of Wal-Mart, and in the midst of looking at a picture of the most AWESOME rat tail I had ever seen, I realized the guy was standing near the posters, and the only poster visible was one of Edward Cullen.

Most of my ideas are freaking crazy. Some of them only I understand. But a few ideas are ok, and Andee helps me get them ready to go.

But today, without my Andee, I am losted. So I'm phoning this one in by showing you some of my favorite Twilight-themed LOLs from ROFLRAZZI. I go there every day and from there you can also check out LOLcats, LOLdogs, Graph Jam, Fail Blog, and Failbooking (which is freaking fabulous, but I can't view at work anymore. Sad face.) I bet most of the readers do too, so if you've seen these, well....here's an oldie-but-a-goodie, as they say on local country radio stations.

Or I guess they say that. I don't know, because I don't listen to country music.

*Note to everyone: Obviously, some of the people who made these really don't like Twilight. But they are funny. I can like Twilight and still be able to poke fun at it once in a while.*

Two takes on the same shot:

or

Thanks for letting me goof off today, guys.

Grey

Welcome to McSparkles! Would you like immortality with that? Oh, just a Happy Meal? Coming right up!

I've just finished G-talking with Andee, and she's a little depressed. It seems she is hungry.

This really shouldn't be a problem. She lives in a town with a plethora of eating places to choose from. Fast food, down home country cookin', Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, pizza--you name it, you can get it in Andalusia, Alabama. Right now, she is hungry for fast food, and in particular, McDonald's. But tonight, on her way home from work, she cannot simply take a detour through the Golden Arches drive-thru and satisfy her Mac Attack.

Cause they tore her Golden Arches down. And she's not lovin' it.

Andee's McDonald's is not gone for good--it is only being remodeled. So when it returns, it will be better than ever. But that does nothing to help Andee's current situation. She wants McDonald's. She can't have it. This situation takes her back to another time....back to college.....back to that horrible time in her and her roommate Grey's lives, when the McDonald's in our college town of Troy closed for a remodel.

It was pretty bad. And yeah, we ate a McFrickin' HUGE amount of french fries when they reopened.

"I am DYING over here," Andee types. And I feel her pain, cause I was there with her back in college. But now, I can only sympathize with her craving for Two All Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions on a Seasme Seed Bun. Because there are five McDonald's in my town, literally one for every direction--north, south, east, west, and even one right smackdab in the middle. So almost literally anywhere I go in Dothan, I can see a McDonald's. And get my McNugget Meal on. But even so, I should totally be sensitive to her plight, right?

Wrong.

I tell her about the official Kristen sighting in Budapest. That the paps got her and Rob on video leaving the airport. But before they got on the plane, they stopped to get a bite to eat.

At a McDonald's.

 
I am a McAwful friend.

Grey

Please Accept This as a Token of Our Undying Love and Gratitude, and as an apology for not posting yesterday

So, yesterday....why did you suck so bad? Why were you such an ass that you made us not be able to post the thing that we hoped would brighten everyone's day? We saw this awesome, funny graph illustrating seats in a movie theater on the interwebs and decided to parody it, based on our experiences viewing New Moon, in expectation of what the Eclipse opening night would be like. It was funny (and almost 100% true to life), and we have an obligation to be funny to the HILARIOUS and lovable people who read this blog. People depend on us, yesterday...and you made us let them down.

Shame on you, yesterday.

But today, as a lunchtime treat, we present the AMAZING (sarcasm) artistic Paint and Photoshop skillz of Andee and Grey.

(Click to make bigger.)

(TWHW: That's What He Wishes.)

How to Get a Cullen to Say "Elephant, Elephant, Elephant", or We Can Pretty Much Make Anything Relate to Twilight

It's certainly Spring down here in south Alabama: the grass is green, the trees have leaves, the flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping, butterflies are fluttering, the skies are sunny. Sounds beautiful....
But we really haven't had the chance to enjoy it.

We've been sneezing.

The reason for our sneezin'.

Spring sucks, because in Alabama it means Pollen Season has returned: noses are runny/stuffy/snotty/, eyes are itchy/watery/swollen shut/, sinus headaches are pounding, skin is itchy and blotchy.

And every. single. surface is covered--COVERED!!--in that awful yellow dust.

Especially our cars. When we leave them outside for even a few hours, sometimes we can't find where we parked them. Because nature has magically transformed our blue and red cars....into yellow ones. Very sneaky, nature (True story...I drove up to my work parking lot the other and had a split second though of...Am I in the right place? Are they turning this into a tennis court?*Andee)

Disgusting. And exactly what our cars look like for a month, because there's no point in washing them.

At least now we can pretend that we drive Alice's yellow Porche from New Moon.

We wondered how vampires would like to live down south during pollen season. "Vampires are too badass to be affected by a little pollen," you say. (We're really glad you said that, because now this whole post has a point. So thank you.) Maybe...or maybe not. Because vampires have nose hairs like we do, right? If they didn't, then how could they smell things? And you know they have an amazing sense of smell. Very much heightened from our own.

Which must mean that they have super sensitive nose hairs.

Pollen up close. This is what they're super sensitive nose hairs pick up. It looks *exactly* like the moon at the beginning of New Moon. 

Coincidence? We think not! (Thanks to @CPHaurora!)

And those super sensitive nose hairs would have to be super sensitive to pollen as well. And since we're on the subject of super sensitive senses (Say it. Five times fast. OUT LOUD), you know that vampires have awesome eyesight. Bella describes vampire vision really well when she is "turned" in Breaking Dawn. Pollen season would SUCK for them, because all they would be able to see were those tiny freaking pollen particles floating around everywhere (like when Bella had to wear the contacts to hide her evil red eyes from Charlie). We bet it would drive them nuts. It would be like looking at the world thru pee-colored glasses.

Okay, Okay...Back to super sensitive nose hairs. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a vampire sneezed???? Because they would be sneezing all the time down here during pollen season. However, sneezing could be fun for the Cullens. After all, a sneeze is like an orgasm for your nose. It feels so freaking good sometimes, doesn't it (Yes, it does Grey...but I'm often driving when I sneeze and I'm always scared of wrecking!!!*Andee) ? And if it feels good to us, it would feel ten times better for a vampire. Just like human sex vs. vampire sex.

I guess that means *this* is her "O" face.

But now for some serious questions about vampire sneezes: Would the power of their sneeze be enough to knock a grown man down? Because that could be a problem--everytime Edward's nose gets a little tickle, someone gets blown thru a window? That's a little conspicuous, don't you think? Or what if they tried to sneeze with their eyes open (which is possible) , but it's so powerful, they blow their eyeballs out? We know that they could just stick them back in and they would fuse back, but how will they be able to see to find them?

Or how about this: instead of saliva, would they sneeze venom? Would the venom-spittle come out so powerfully that it could penetrate a human's skin....which would then......infect them with venom and ultimately change them into vampires, too?

OH MY GAH. Vampirism just became an air-born epidemic.

Not even a southern girl's "Bless You" can save us now.

Edward Cullen Doesn't Care How You Flip Your Pancakes

The other day, I was making myself gorgeous, and when I put my make-up on at my vanity by my window, I like to watch TV, or at least have it on. I don't like to beautify in silence. So I flipped channels until I saw that Bewitched was on TV Land. "I haven't seen Bewitched in years!" I thought to myself. (Because when I talk to myself, I sound like a old lady. I have an old lady brain.) I used to watch Bewitched and I Dream of Jeanie all the time when they first came on Nick at Night. That was back in the 90's. I fondly remember Block Party Summer, and one whole weekday evening would be devoted to a particular show. Nick at Night was really awesome in my childhood. (I guess my old lady brain liked all those shows from the 60's and 70's.)

I memorize theme songs. Now this one is stuck in my head for at least three days.

It was an episode where Samantha was outside one morning, painting. It was important that she catch the morning light on her subject: a bowl of fruit. Then the timer went off in the kitchen--it was time to flip the pancakes. (Random thought: who leaves pancakes unattended to go outside and paint?) Samantha was conflicted--she knew she should rush into the kitchen and get Darren's breakfast ready, but she had to have the right light for her painting. So she wiggled her nose and did it the magical way--pancakes flipped themselves, coffee pot poured a nice, hot cuppa' joe, a cold glass of orange juice flew out of the fridge and made its way to the breakfast table with all the other eats.

Then her mother, Endora, showed up and praised her for actually using her powers, and I suddenly remembered--Darren didn't like Samantha to use her witchcraft, and so she always tried to do everything the human way.

Shut up, Darren. You needed a lighter, she got it for you. What is your freaking problem? P.S. I see you, Endora. You sexy thing.

And this bothered the 25-year-old me in a way that the 10-year-old me never picked up on...that Darren demanded that Samantha deny who she essentially was. By trying to be human, she was pretending to be something she wasn't. Yes, she loved him. Yes, (as my mother pointed out) she didn't tell him before they got married that she was a witch. BUT STILL. Darren wants Samantha to deny her witchcraft, and thus, deny her true self.

I didn't think that I was a feminist, but this totally bothered me. "I would never let someone, some man, tell me what to do," I fumed. "I'd have more balls than that. I'm an independent woman, got it?" Which totally speaks volumes of how I (possibly/maybe/ok, fine) treat my fiance. Poor Brando....I feel for him, but sometimes I am not to be trifled with. He puts up a good fight, though, bless his heart.

But last night I had this dream. Yes, Edward was in it. Yes, it was sexy. And yes, it totally proved that I am a huge freaking hypocrite.

Or at least Dream Me is. She's also a slut, but that's another post for another day.

Obviously it involved Twilight. I was a new kid in high school, and it was lunch time. Even though I was new, I  was apparently dating my fiance', Brando. I sat my books and purse down on the lunch table in the cafeteria and went to get my food. Brando said that since it was a nice day, we should eat outside, and he headed out there. I told him I would meet him outside, and stopped to get my stuff. I considered leaving it there...after all, who was going to take my bookbag and purse? So I left them, took a few steps, had second thoughts, set my tray down, scooped my stuff on, picked up the tray and headed outside.

I would eat sloppy joe's all. day. long. if I could sit with this. Hell, I'd  even eat them extra sloppy.

When I found the table, things had changed. Brando was no longer Brando--he was Edward. (There are so many things I could say, but I won't...) I sat down opposite him, and he grinned at me, with that half smile that Rob is sooooo good at. And then he beckoned me over to him, and I got totally excited. (Apparently when Brando turned into Edward, he ceased to be my boring old boyfriend and became my super hot crush, so that's where all the giddy feelings were coming from.) As I sat down next to him, he looked at me sweetly and said....

"Where have you been?"

But even though his face and voice were sweet, the message behind them was not. I stammered through my story about not being able to decide what to do with my bags, but I could tell that it wasn't good enough. "I don't think that would take you that long..." he replied. It was scary--he was being freaky possessive, like he thought that in the few minutes I had debated on my bags, I must have passionately made out with some random guy on top of a lunch table. (Obviously, I hadn't, or my butt would have been covered in sloppy joe sauce.)

Then Edward bit the end of my nose.

Which sounds weird, but was totally sexy in my dream--he was talking and getting closer to my face, and at the end of a sentence,  he took just a little, sexy nip at the end of my nose. I do remember that it hurt, but that I didn't care. In fact, even though Edward was being a total psycho-possessive-scary boyfriend, I was so into him. It was like sitting next to sex personified. I didn't care what he was telling me, or what he was implying, or what kind of future I would have with someone who needed me to account for three minutes of my life--he was just so damn hot.

Edward takes "Got your nose" to a whole other level.

It was like I was in his spell.

Just like Samantha from Bewitched is in Darren's. (Get it? It's funny because she's the witch, but she's in her human husband's spell--because she loves him! Actually, I think I kind of ruined it by explaining it. Sorry.) She loves him and would do anything for him. Just like I loved Dream Edward and would have done anything for him. But Darren isn't some possessive jerk who scares the crap out of you. He's a pretty nice dude--a little high-strung, but nice enough, and most importantly, he loves his girl. Just like the "real" Edward. "Real" Edward may have been labeled by some as "possesive" and "controlling" and "stalker-y", but all the things he was kind of a turd about were things that kept Bella safe. Edward cared about her, cared that her human life was so vunerable and fragile, so he was willing to do anything, even piss Bella off, to keep her safe. And if making Samantha Stevens turn off her twitcher would keep her safe, Edward Cullen would demand that, too. But since he's a magical, mythical creature as well, he probably wouldn't care if Samantha used her powers. I mean, he can't turn his off...why should she?

I still don't like the fact that Darren makes Samantha do things the human way, but in my dream, I got a glimpse of how she must feel about him that makes her willingly tone down her freaktastic magical powers. In my dream, I was obviously in the bad kind of love, but it made me see that if you were in the good kind of love, maybe a few concessions wouldn't be such a big deal. Maybe I could concede a few times, too.

Brando will be so proud of me....

.....until he finds out it had something to do with Twilight.

Then it will just be funny.