Wait, there are Killer Spiders in Eclipse? What the hell kind of movie is this?

To Eclipe's credit, this blurry image is the very first thing that popped up when Google image searching the word "eclipse". Good work on surpassing the popularity of the naturally occuring phenomenom that has haunted mankind for ages and also that Mitsubishi car that I used to want when I was 16.

This is it---tonight is the night we finally get to lay eyes on Eclipse! It feels just like Christmas Eve, where you know that in just a few hours something AMAZING will arrive!!!! (Jesus? Santa? Eward?) As of right now, the very second this sentence is being typed, we have only....wait.....there's a spider!!!  Hold on, I have to go get a newspaper and kill it. Ok, I'm back.....CRAP, the spider is gone. Great, now there's a killer spider hiding somewhere in my cubicle workspace. That's going to bother me all day...I freaking hate spiders.

Now, where was I?

Oh yeah, at this exact second we have 8 hours until we get to see Eclipse!!!!!! Our plan is to meet up at the movie theater at 6pm, initialize our surefire seduction game plan, which is actually just having Andee flash somebody relentlessly pester one poor, unsuspecting usher until he agrees to text us the minute a line starts to form at the movie theater, run to Sam's Club (What the hell? Andee must need massive quanties of Bounty Select-a-Size paper towels), check the line at the movie theater, find a baby shower dress at the mall, check the line at the movie theater, pick up Andee's copy of the Eclipse movie companion, check the line at the movie theater, eat dinner somewhere that serves alcohol because TODAY WE NEED IT (we swear to you that if today was just a regular day and not a super awesome Eclipse premiere day this day would be one of the top five worst days of 2010 and 2010 isn't even halfway over), check the line at the movie theater, walk off the alcohol exploring all the wonders of Target, check the line at the movie theater, run out of things to do while waiting for the movie so actually go to the movie theater, park our booties in folding chairs, pull out the iPod Touch and watch Twilight while waiting for the rest of the Twihards to get there.

Oh yeah, and TWEET YOU GUYS THE WHOLE TIME. Duh.

One more thing....I need to add Kill Killer Spider to the game plan. And I need it to go at the very beginning.

ECLIPSE IS HERE!

If We Had A Cult, KStew Would Be Officially Inducted and We'd Give Her the Kool-Aid, Which Would Probably Have Butter In It.

So the internet is creepy crawly today at Grey's work, so she tweeted that it was being "slow as molassas"....and then had an epiphany that she shared with Andee.

We needed a pic of Kris. Why not use one that has Rob in it? That way we all get more Rob, and isn't that what we all want, really?

On the Eclipse red carpet, Kristen Stewart told a reporter that she is a Food Network junkie. Well, Andee and Grey can't really identify with that, per say. We freaking love food, and we really, REALLY love eating food, but cooking food? No, thank you--hunger is why God invented McDonald's.

This is where a picture should go, but when I googled McDonald's, some pretty anit-McDonald's images came up, and since I'm firmly pro-McNugget, I tried again, using "McDonald's" and "God", but then some really sacrilegious pictures came up, and I'm totally anit-sacrilege, so I said screw it and that's why there's no picture. Grey.

But it was what she said next that made us both drop dead from awesome exposure--Kristen Stewart loves Paula Deen.

Paula Deen, y'all. The Savannah, Georgia Fried Butter Queen herself. The one lady who is regularly discussed at Sunday dinners like she is one of the freaking family, as in:

Aunt J: "My goodness, this butternut squash casserole is delicious!"

G-Mother: "Isn't it, though? It's Paula's!"

...and you always turn to tell Paula how wonderful her casserole is, but she's not there because she's not even related to you and you forgot (I'm currently bowing down to Grey's awesomeness in my office...That.Is.Hilarious*Andee), but you want to tell her how awesome her casserole was anyway so your entire family goes on a pilgrimage to Savannah to eat in her restaurant and wait outside her house (the one that she actually comes out of now) just for a chance to hear that warm, friendly "Well, hey y'all !!" and maybe/possibly be invited to her cooking show and then have something that they can brag about for years and years.

Southern women have every Paula Deen cookbook, even if they don't cook (like at Grey's house). They are a household staple and are necessary to even hold your head up in our small southern towns. Paula Deen is like your momma, y'all, and Kristen Effing Stewart, that laid back chillaxed steezy LA chick gets it. It's like she's Southern, y'all. We can totally claim her now. In fact, she even has a one-up on us in the Southern Gal department--she's an avid baker. She claims to bake a mean pie, and she even baked a mini pie for her EW interviewer!!! @CalliopeBlabs is right--she really is #DomesticStew. (Unless she's actually at home getting baked and that makes her want to actually bake, but that's a whole 'nother topic, y'all.)

UPDATE: KStew is now a firey red-head! She has to change her hair color for "On the Road" and we're hoping that the red hair is just a pit stop before BLONDE STEW returns!!! Not that we don't like Brown Stew or Red Stew, we're just hoping that once she becomes Blonde Stew, she can complete her transformation into a true southern woman by making that final step to Brassy, Burnt Out Bleached Stew.

Another Fabulous Listing by Forks Realty! Twilight Fans Need Not Enquire.

So I've been house hunting for the past month, and it's been nothing but a gigantic pain in my posterior. The small town that we're looking to live in doesn't really have anything that I LOVE on the market, and I wanna really LOVE something if I'm going to pony up my cash and be a home owner.

So I've seen tons of houses--houses made of wood, houses made of brick, houses made of a mixture of the two. (Brood? Wrick?) Forclosed houses, remodeled houses, NOT remodeled houses. I've seen teeny tiny houses with big huge price tags, houses with bright orange rooms dedicated to a college football team, houses that didn't have enough extra bedrooms to house both my extensive wardrobe and my equally extensive Twilight memorabilia collection. I've seen houses that had pets but you couldn't tell, houses that had pets and you COULD tell because the house smelled like dogs and oh, wait, the dogs are in kennels in one of the guest bedrooms and the weiner dog is growling at me and I HATE weiner dogs (well, only the red ones) because my grandparents had an evil red one named Rusty whose sole mission on this earth was to kill me as a child, houses that were locked when we got there so we had to peek into the windows and maybe we leaned too hard on one of them because it fell out of its frame and into the house so we thought "What the hell, we might as well go in now."

So you could say that I have houses on the brain. (Go ahead, say it if you want. Out loud, even, if you are so inclined.) So when I saw all the scanned pictures from the Eclipse Movie Guide, which one do you think I took a second look at? Was it Edward and Jacob talking in the tent? The Jacob/Bella kiss? Alice and Jasper making out?

No, it was this one:

(Ok, fine. I really looked at all the pictures that had Rob in them first. But then I looked at this one.)

My keen house-hunting eye was drawn to the picture of Edward's bedroom, with it's brand new addition--a big ass bed for getting it on to make out on. And it made me think--what if, when it's time for the Cullen clan to leave Forks, they decided to put the house up for sale and I was the buyer looking at Edward's old room?

It makes sense--instead of letting the house sit there in the middle of the woods empty and alone, why not let some other nice family enjoy it? I mean, yes, the Cullens could just come back to it in 100 years and restoring it would give Esme something to do, but she's already restored this house once, y'all. Give her a break.

First off, if I were viewing this room, the realtor would be super pissed at me later when she found out that there's no way I could afford this house and I was completely wasting her time. Also because I probably cut out a piece of Edward's carpet when she wasn't looking and stuffed it into my purse. (Later at home, I will take it out of my purse and smell it.)

Then I would be all, "Wait, this isn't Edward's room." And she'd be all, "Well, of course it is. Don't you see the door to nowhere?" And I'd be all, "Yes, and we'll get to that later, but don't tell me this is Edward's room. I KNOW Edward's room, and this isn't it." And she'd be all like, "What's wrong with you?" and I would tell her that nobody knows but then show her this:

(I can't remember where I stole this from. I do that all the time. I swear I'm not a bad person...I don't mean to take other people's things. If you are the person I stole this from, please give me a very harsh verbal dressing-down.)

Clearly, the Eclipse set crew has made some changes to Edward's room since Twilight. One being that they seemed to have repainted and replaced the carpet. I can't say that I blame them--blue tinted walls and carpet? Hello? (You have just experienced a bad joke based on the fact that the entire movie Twilight was tinted blue. I didn't really mind the blue tint, I was just trying to be funny. Key word there--trying.) The biggest addition though, is the extra space added to the bookshelf wall to fit that big ass love bed.

I would smile triumphantly at my realty lady as she admits I'm right.

Then the realty lady would sigh in a very over-dramatic, exhasperated way. And that's when I would bring up the door.

The door leading to nowhere. A metaphor, perhaps, by a quirky architect? An obvious child hazard? A way to trick birds into your room? (Who would want to do that??) OR.....a perfect opportunity for Catherine Hardwick to have Edward fling Bella onto his back and climb trees while uttering nonsense about spider monkeys?

The realty lady would probably lean towards the metaphor aspect of the door.

I would just tell her to lean more towards the door. If I pushed her out, she may not notice that big hole in the carpet.

Grey

If Forks and Spoons Do It, Is It Called Sporking?

I love romance as much as the next girl, but I've really never been into...you know, porn. Obviously I've seen it, but I don't have a collection or anything. So I'm a little concerned about this apparent Eating Utensil fetish I've picked up. *Ashamed* Yes it's true. I'm hooked--fork on fork, spoon on spoon, even spoon on knife! It's totally hot.

But fork on spoon? That is a little too much for me. Don't they realize that their union could result in the unholy creation of a spork, that White Plastic Cafeteria Staple from Hell? I would rather stare straight down Victoria's throat while she's eating my face than have to use a freaking spork ever again. (Worst case scenario to use a spork? Eating spaghetti. It. Is. IMPOSSIBLE.)

Anyway, on to something different and totally unrelated.

Our bloggy heroes UC and Moon from Letters to Twilight/Rob got to meet Stephenie Meyer on Friday and today they had a terrific post. Seriously, it's like they wrote it just to make other Twilight blogs that may not be as cool or as famous or have as many hits as them totally jealous really good. The biggest thing they could share in the post was that Meyer reads LTT like, everyday. How cool is that? The woman whose fantasical dream became the reason that I am sitting at work, not working but instead typing this very sentence reads one of my favorite fansites. I wonder if she's ever commented and what alias she used.

PaNcHoLuVer1994

It was while telling Andee about Stephenie reading LTT everyday that she shared with me this glorious revelation:

If Stephenie Meyer reads LTT every day, then it stands to reason that she read LTT on March 30, 2010 when this post appeared. And IF Stephenie Meyer, reading LTT like she does every day, saw the "read this if you love NSYNC" link and clicked it because she did indeed have a mighty love for all things NSYNC...

....she would have been taken directly to OUR SITE and our thrilling expose' on how Edward Cullen spent the late 90's/early 00's as a boy band member, all of which means.....

STEPHENIE MEYER MAYBE, POSSIBLY, COULD HAVE VISITED OUR WEBSITE.

Oh my gah.

This is huge for me. HUUUUUUUUGE. The Woman Who Created Edward Cullen maybe possibly visited our site. Sure, she probably accidently clicked the link while she was trying to scroll down to the comments section of LTT's post, but for the brief split-second it took for her to press the "Back" button, she may have been here. I had the Anxiety Tickle Monsters inside my chest this morning, but as soon as Andee revealed this possibility, however unlikely it was that she would have clicked away from LTT because of an all-consuming lust for NSYNC material, the tickling stopped and instead I felt AWESOME.

So I just want to say "Thank You" to LTT for linking to us and to Edward Cullen for wearing that hideous black denim jacket. You created a 10% chance that Steph visited Welcome to Forks, Y'all and stopped the evil tickle monsters.

Hearts and Rainbows and HI, STEPHENIE MEYER!!!,

Grey

P.S. Holy crap. I just realized that The Mother of All Things Twilight may have possibly visited our blog, which is full of things like forks and spoons having sex with each other.

*anxious tickeling begins again*

Spoon and Fork Spam

Oh hello, fork and spoon that are making out on a napkin  white beach blanket on the khaki shores of Hawii.

How can you make Twilight any better? Add shopping.

What is missing in this picture?

Exactly. Where is our Eclipse Team Edward cup to hold all our writing utensils? Where is our Confederate Soldier Jasper mousepad? WHERE IS OUR POCKET N*SYNC EDWARD TO STAND BY OUR COMPUTER MONITOR AND STARE AT US ALL DAY?

It really feels like we haven't been saturated in Eclipse Twicrap this go-around. And that makes us sad, because we love buying Twicrap that we have absolutely no use for but it makes us feel happy that we own it. The only Eclipse merch we've seen so far are posters at Wal-Mart! Even when Andee searched for Eclipse, this turned up:

Apparently there is a dude in there named Eclipse. Damn you, non-canon Star Wars character.

So we decided to go find Eclipse stuff for ourselves online. Here are some of the things we will not be able to live without this Twilight season (serious sarcasm included):

The Team Edward Locket, so that we can always have two photos of Edward close to our hearts. And lips--you know, for those impulsive kisses all throughout the day.

What our office cubicle/closet really needs: a set of Edward pens. Our writing will definitely be more emo from now on.

From "pens" to "pins", we really want these. When we were in high school, our parents used to wear their child's cheerleader/football picture button to the games to show support (and probably to brag that their son/daughter was a football player/cheerleader). We want to show our support for our favorite not real people when we go to see Eclipse in 13 days.

Pocket J.C. Chasez Eclipse Edward!

Life Size Eclipse Edward will come in handy when we have to re-enact all those soundtrack songs that we effed up in our predictions. We've always wanted to dance with Edward!

And finally, the most wonderous Eclipse item ever created:

The sleeveless button up. Stephenie Meyer personally authorized this herself, and Nordstrom was happy to oblige.

Do you guys have any Eclipse stuff yet? We think we can squeeze a couple of these into our secret Twilight cabinets at home!

Madames Andee and Grey will predict your future, but it probably won't be right. So yes, we will refund your $2.99 for the first minute, plus $0.99 for each additional minute.

It's time for the second half of Andee and Grey's Eclipse Soundtrack Predictions! And this time, we have a little incentive to make sure that we end up having to do something really embarrassing because there's no way we are getting any of these right are doing are very best creative thinking and getting those songs in their correct places!

So we will start with Song Number 9, Let's Get Lost. We are admittedly a little lost ourselves on this one. It's got this totally 80's feel to it, and we really need to know which 80's song it sounds like. So please go listen to it and let us know, because Grey is going crazy. The only place we can think of to place it is Sexy Make-Out Scene/Leg Hitch, but we really hope not, because while we want our Leg Hitch super hot and steamy, we do not want it porny. Just sayin'.

Song Number 10, Jonathon Low. We're cheating here, because we saw the clip of the wolves teasing Jacob about Bella finally coming back around, and this song is playing in the background. Yes, yes, cheaters never prosper. We know.

Song Number 11, With You In My Head. It's a little creepy, so we thought "bad vamps" immediately. However, we would like to give this song to a less recognized group of bad vamps and say that this song belongs with Jasper's Backstory.

Song Number 12, A Million Miles An Hour we also gave to the bad vamps, either when they're screwing with Seattle or when they are on their way to the Cullens. Newborn Destruction it is.

Song Number 13, Life On Earth is a hard one, but we'll have to go with Bella Reflecting On Becoming a Vampire.

Song Number 14, What Part of Forever. We had to think a little bit before placing this one, but we decided to give it to the Humans. Bella Hanging With Her Friends.

*Sample G-Talk convo about What Part of Forever*

Grey: ok so what part of forever is a high school song? did you have another suggestion?

Andee: no it seems logical there..but of course its probs wrong! :)

Grey: oh, of course, that goes without saying

Song Number 15, Jacob's Song. We are going to go out on a limb here and say that it definitely has Something To Do With Jacob, like maybe when he overhears about Bella and Edward's engagement, or when he is hurt. Or anytime he is on screen. Yeah, that should cover us.

Song Number 16, The Line (Bonus) is an action-packed song, so we're going to place it when the Cullens Train for the Newborn Fight. We say this because we've seen the clip of the Cullens chasing Victoria while Bella is in Florida and it has some weird music in there. We also think the actual newborn battle will be instrumental and epic. This song is like how Supermassive Black Hole went with vampire basebacll. It's got some fun in it's kickass-ness.

Song Number 17, How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep (Bonus), also known as the song that Grey first thought was titled just How Can You Swallow So Much and declared it the Most Epically Awkward Sexual Reference in a Young Adult Movie's Soundtrack EVER. Until she realized that her iPod wasn't showing the entire title. And we have no idea where this song will go, so we pass.

We're stopping there, even though there are still two more remixed songs on our deluxe album. The remix of Atlas would sound really good as Native American drums, though.

But since you guys were so nice to let us predict the soundtrack even though we promised you we wouldn't, we want to make this fun for you. So for every soundtrack song we have tragically misplaced here, Andee and Grey will upload a Youtube video that either a) act out the correct scene the song was in, b) act out our incorrect scene, or c) do an awesome dance to the song. It will be up to our discrection whether it's A, B, or C, but it will always be E.......for embarrassing.

We are super excited about this, and we'll make another prediction! (Good gah, it's like gambling, we're addicted!) We predict that we'll probably be making 17 videos! We hope you enjoy every one of them.